Undone

I’ve been in an awful mean rude and distasteful mood all day. My apologies to Scott. :-S

I went to bed happy, I woke up angry. Don’t know why. I’m just lucky like that? 🙁

Derringer Meryl [I’d still like you to come visit] Out

So I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles

Diligently doubtful through all kinds of trouble

Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

Or the lack thereof. I’ve decided (on my own, i’m sure there will be contesting of this) that I’m cutting back on the kissy-stuff.

It’s distracting

It’s unneeded (at this point)

and it causes problems.

Problem solved. I’ll just cut back.

Derringer Meryl [Groovin’ to the music] Out

Before I begin, IF you are a squemish sibling (or their wife, I figure you fall into the sibling catagory, but i’m talking to you) or if you just don’t wish to know the inner workings of my mind, don’t continue. Please. Dont. I don’t need your teasing because i’m honest. I am honest. I’m open, and this entry is open too. So don’t read it if you don’t want to be slightly (or more) grossed out.

my evil plot has worked….

I’m killing Scott slowly.

*blinks* wait, that was supposed to be carried out on one of my exes, not my dashing darling wonderful handsome stylish fiancee. Crap. I thought the whole torture was going a little easily. :-S

*coughs* So in all actuality I’m not trying to kill Scott, but I’m succeeding really well. He thinks that it’s not hard for me, and i never do anything stupid.

I’d let him talk to Red for two minutes, and wow…. he’d have a different idea– but some horrid stories should come from your spouse to be, and not from her best friend. I’ve done bad things. Oodles. Scott’s lucky that his brain has been normal up till now (as in sex free thoughts) because honestly, my brain has been doing all that junk for a long time. Maybe that’s how i know how to handle it.

Sukie thinks you can’t divert sexual energy into work. *snickers* She may be right, but I seem to succeed at it. *smiles* I’m still a love free zone here, and i’m fine! I think i’ve just learned to handle all the little nasty thoughts that run through my brain.

I sorta feel bad. Not depressed as Scott so thinks though, just kinda guilty. He misses who he used to be, before he met me. And while i know he doesn’t mean that he wants to go back and be without me… i still sorta get that. still sorta feel like he doesn’t want to wait with me (that could be misconstrued, let me explain) he doesn’t want to be in the in between period with me. He wants to be either like he was before he met me (sane with coherent non-sex thoughts) or married.

and the reason I don’t “make mistakes” like he says is because i dont’ want to. I want him, but I want to be with him forever. That outrules everything. I want Scott forever, not just for a little while. And when we kiss, I pull back and look at him and smile. I think “I get to be with him forever If I’m good. I want to be SO good.” That’s why I smile. Because I love him so much. I want to be with him all the time– and I love it when he holds me. Just holds me. Not even kissing. I love to hold his hand, and have his arms around me. I feel right. Do you know how long I’ve waited to feel right? Nineteen years.

So yeah, Sex runs through my brain, a lot. Romance and forever runs more. I couldn’t bear to be without him. It’s death to have him leave every night. But I have to do it. I have to let him go, so I can have him forever.

and that’s what I want.

Derringer Meryl [is going to get stupid comments from sibs] Out

So, i’ve been working on my cover letter/ artists letter for my Creative writing class. It’s really odd. I can’t think clearly enough to write something very coherent.

So you get to read it, and tell me, is it coherent enough to give to my teacher?

Oh, Btw…. if you’ve never read my writing. I’m sorry. Go here and then you’ll know what i’m talking about. Hee.

“Writing is like sex. First you do it for love, then you do it for your friends, and then you do it for money.” Virginia Woolfe

“Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank… Without passion, we’d be truly dead.” –Angel, Passion

I write. It is my passion and my pride. I don’t do it for anyone else but me, so I guess that’s what made this class challenging. It was easy to please my audience before, because my audience was me, and I felt the sheer relief of just writing, and I was happy. I admit, most of my writing is no where near worth publishing. That’s okay. I write for love. I’ve tried writing for others, being commissioned, but it just doesn’t work that way. Not for me. Not yet. I write free and open, and I don’t care what I say or how I say it. I feel power in the obscene images I present. I love being honest and bare.

When it comes to writing, I suppose I’m a nudist. I love the bare bones of writing. I love to dissect sentences. I love to be candid and honest. I love broken images. I love hearing someone who has just read my piece say “What was that about?” Maybe it’s some sort of power kick. I like how I can make someone think; how each piece is something entirely different to each person. I know what each piece means, what it’s about, but I get a high off of hearing what people interpret it into. I feel power in writing vague. I love it. I love writing. I love pressing the pen down to the paper until it bleeds ink. Why I do it, the way I do it. Passion rules me… Rules my writing. Without it — it would be empty and lifeless.

Derringer Meryl [Discovering the Joy of waiting] Out

a miracle happened, and these lyrics became suddenly accessible. wahoo! I love this song (don’t look for the CD, it’s not out yet, May 18th) It’s by Alanis Morissette, and it’s called Everything. I love it. It’s what I feel. It cusses once. If you can’t get a grip on the fact that swear words exist– then maybe you need to be reading some self help stuff.

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind

I can withhold like it’s going out of style

I can be the moodiest baby

And you’ve never met anyone

As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you’ve ever met

I’m the kindest soul with whom you’ve connected

I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen

And you’ve never met anyone

As positive as I am sometimes

You see everything

You see every part

You see all my light

And you love my dark

You dig everything

Of which I’m ashamed

There’s not anything to which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking

My passive aggressiveness can be devastating

I’m terrified and mistrusting

And you’ve never met anyone who’s closed down as I am sometimes

You see everything

You see every part

You see all my light

And you love my dark

You dig everything

Of which I’m ashamed

There’s not anything to which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know

What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you’ve ever known

I am the dullest woman that you’ve ever known

I am the most gorgeous woman that you’ve ever known

And you’ve never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything

You see every part

You see all my light

And you love my dark

You dig everything

Of which I’m ashamed

There’s not anything to which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

And you’re still here

And you’re still here

I love that song, SO Much. I heard it on the radio, bought ti on the cursed Itunes.

Derringer Meryl [Giddy happy for lyric spew] Out