Undone

i changed out of my sick clothes to go to work last night. I inform you now that I am firmly back in them. i’ve been throwing up again (i’m sure you wanted to know) and i still feel pretty ookie. I didn’t feel as wiped out this time. It was almost like my stomach said “What are you doing? You fed me too much, especially since we’re sick!” and spewed up any extra stuff. Not everything, just extra.

Part of me says “YOu should take some kind of medicine, it’ll help” and another part says “You can do it without it!” and i’m just left here wondering, Sure I can do it by myself, no doubt.

The question is, will i feel better by tomorrow?

I shouldn’t have gone to work last night. the extensive stress put on me there wasn’t very helpful. I wasn’t very helpful. I was sick. I sat on the counter, and wished for sleep.

the thing is, i’m one of those “sleep laying down” people, and when i feel like this, I only feel okay sitting up (not standing though, whoo boy, bad idea.) I’m hoping that if i turn on some Slayers while the kids are gone I can catch a few z’s in the recliner.

I’m thinking sitting here and typing isn’t helping either. So… I’m gonna go … lay down. Er… whatever.

Derringer Meryl [Urk] Out

First off, not all Rollins Band Songs are good (in the lacking of cussing way). Not all of them are my favorite, and I have to admit, they probably all sound like me in one mood or another. My CD player is retarded, and won’t play them (is sad, dang it!) But I like what I heard, and this song really struck me.

Liar, Rollins Band

you think you’re going to live your life alone

in darkness and seclusion… yeah, I know

you’ve been out there and tried to mix with those animals

and it just left you full of humiliated confusion

so you stagger back home and wait for nothing

but the solitary refinement of your room spits you back onto the streets

and now you’re desperate and in need of human contact

and then you meet me and your whole world changes

because everything I say is everything you’ve ever wanted to hear

so you drop all you defenses, and you drop all your fears and you trust me

completely, I’m perfect in every way

’cause I make you feel so strong and so powerfull inside

you feel so lucky

but your ego obscures reality that you never bothered to

wonder why things are going so well

you want to know why?

’cause I’m a liar, yeah, I’m a liar

I’ll tear (rip) your mind up, I’ll burn your soul

I’ll turn you into me, I’ll turn you into me

’cause I’m a liar, a liar, a liar, a liar…

I’ll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes

and I’ll tell you things that you already know so you can say:

I really identify with you, so much

and all the time that you’re needing me is just the time

that I’m bleeding you, don’t you get it yet?

I’ll come to you like an affliction then I’ll leave you like an addiction

you’ll never forget me… wou wanna know why?

I don’t know why I feel the need to lie and cause you so much pain

maybe it’s something inside, maybe it’s something I can’t explain

’cause all I do is mess you up and lie to you

I’m a liar, ooh, I’m a liar

but if you’ll give me another chance I swear I’ll never lie to you again

’cause now I see the destructive power of a lie,

they’re stronger than truth

I ca’t believe I ever hurt you, I swear I will never lie to you again

please, just give me more chance, I’ll never lie to you again, no,

I swear, I will never tell a lie, I will neer tell a lie, no, no

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker!

I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar

I lie you, I feel good, I am a liar, yeah

I lie X4 ooh, I lie, yeah, I lie

I’m a liar, I lie, I like it, I feel good, I like it, and again

I like it again and I’ll keep lying, I’ll promise

You want to know what. I’m gonna have to insert a bit of a rant here. Sorry for those of you who dislike rants. I’d like to hurt a lot of people who are being REALLY stupid. I”m a firm believer in the compassionate way is the right way. I’m a firm believer that making someone you love happy will make you happy.

Can you imagine how much it would disappoint my parents if I told them “Hey, ya, I was thinking, I want to be a bartender.” And I mean, it’s not about the drinks. I want to talk to people. I don’t want to be pretentious and hide behind a degree. I don’t want to hurt my family. I’m not the kind of person who would say “Screw you Mom and Dad, you gave me everything i ever had, and any hopes you have for me have been officially flushed down the toilet. sorry!” I just… don’t want to hurt them like that. I guess the people at work don’t understand that. Don’t understand what love is, or how it works. I’m not sacrificing much. In fact, I’m not really that serious about being a bartender. I don’t really care.

And what I hate more, is people who ACT like they understand. Act like they’re your friends, but ambush you when you don’t want to do something like them “What Meryl, you don’t want to go out and Drink? WHy not? Are you some sort of sissy follower? Your mommy and Daddy get mad?” I feel like smacking the ever so nice friends of mine who maybe don’t PARTICIPATE In the ribbing, but don’t stop it either.

Screw the pansy walking around it. I’m fetching pissed. I don’t care what you do with your life. Do it. Do what you want. Can you not have the same respect for me? Gert sucks (for scheduling me the wrong day), Monkey Sucks (for not standing up for me), Artemis sucks (for always making me feel substandard), but Guts doesn’t. He was gross (IMO) but i always find it funny when he says it. *shrugs* I don’t know why. I suppose it’s because he never directs it at me!

I’m tired of being a target because I appear innocent. I”m tired of being the one everyone goes after because I’m good. I’m not perfect, but i’m not an ubersinner. I’m not my parent’s puppet. I’m not THEIR puppet. All they want is their turn to stick their hands into my strings and play me. I’m done. No more. As I have been repeatedly told, I might have to tell them to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. :S I’m no one’s puppet. Maybe some opinions that are strong have influenced mine– but I’m fairly “do what you want, I do what i want, and we all can be happy.”

Derringer Meryl [Spanking her inner Moppet] Out

Can i tell you i’m excited? I’m playing D&D this saturday with Scott, and I’m playing an elf (I seriously considered a hobbit, but ended up going with my first choice of Elf) Luckily i’ve read enoug Lord of the Rings Trivia to know some good Human Jokes. Heh. Ah yes, the IMDB is a good thing.

I changed my layout, obviously. I have to keep up with the jones’s, or the Specialist’s whichever. I haven’t changed mine nearly as much as he has, but psh, whatever. This is mostly because i found this elf picture,and it’s pretty cool.

Also in layout news, I figured out how to BOLD My dates and times so it doesn’t just blend in with the entry. Huzzah! I’m actually pretty ashamed of how long it took. I might end up going back and inserting another break between the date and entry. I dont’ know. *shrugs*

I had a good nap, from around ten to one, which is basically when i’m in school. I sluffed today (That is so a local word, if you don’t know what it means, too bad) and stayed home because I have moments of sincere ookiness. *nods, then laughs* I have moments of sincere Willow Channeling. Isn’t that great? If I could be like Pre-Wicca-Lesbian Willow, that’s alright. I wouldn’t mind. 🙂

Some of my contacts lost a brave war today. The war against small children, *shifty eyes* part of me wants them to learn a lesson, part of me knows I should have put them away– and another part of me wants to scream at their parents to watch them more carefully!

I can’t do that though. Mom wants everyone to get along while they’re here. Psh. Those were expensive contacts half a paycheck, Now how much I make isn’t the issue here (though it’s a very small amount) but imagine half of your paycheck just became a child’s play toy, to the point they were ruined.

Happy image, eh?

Then I pointed out to my brother they had trashed several pair, and he says “Yeah, Tht was Ewan” and I was pretty angry. Did he watch him trash them? Or what? I mean, C’mon! If he knows what kid did it, he should have reprimanded them, or something! I’m not hard core into punishing kids. In fact i’m a big sissy. I admit it…. But Ya know, when it gets down to SCREAMING because their parents are inattentive, and TRASHING expensive things…. That’s when it’s time for a fetching intervension. *hmph*

My Buffy Poster (I got it free, it’s my baby) got ruined. Kinda. I can still use it, but it’s getting pretty thrashed. it’s used to being on my door… I had to get a new toothbrush, mine was ever so nicely used in the tub (ew. I’m sorry, but ew.) They drew all over the walls in the extra bedroom (you can guess what i’ll be doing, scrub scrub!) Ruined one or two DVDs. And…. basically made me feeling like i’m living in some sort of wierdo prison.

Don’t get me wrong. I love kids. I just don’t love it when the kids are unruly, and very very VERY bad smelling (trust me) because their parents have decided to be a passive parenting type. i don’t enjoy the fact that nothing can be left out (including food) because “the hoards” can come and swoop them up. Ack!

Blah. i think i’m done Ranting. I’m going to go check on my precious Contacts, in my room, and see exactly how many died in the battle.

Derring Meryl [Saturday is a Special Day] Out

Since Yahoo Messenger is being a poo, and won’t let me on so I can message Scott, i’ll just cut to the chase and put up here why i wasn’t on yesterday.

I caught the flu. Yep. Or something VERY akin. There was some not so fun aching and coughing and throwing-up involved. I’m just happy it happened after monday but before saturday. I’m feeling loads better, and I got a blessing from Dax and my oldest brother. I slept a lot, expended a lot of my energy by walking to and from the bathroom. I began to feel just tads better around eleven, but by that time i felt good enough that i could sleep. I even slept on the couch last night because i was tired of walking into my door. Yeah. Walking into my door because i’m used to sleeping with my door open, and I ran smack into it at least twice trying to make it to the bathroom. It wasn’t so much fun. I’m going to stay home from school today I think, because all i have in my stomach is two pieces of toast with peanut butter on them. I might go make myself some more in a minute….

*smiles* the greatest thing that happened yesterday is that while I was laying on my mom’s bed, slightly dozing, she came to me and said “Have you read Scott’s Journal Today?” To which I responded “No, have you seen me go downstairs?” I was tired, and feeling a little snippity. No excuse all the same. She said to me “Do you want me to go and print it off so you can read it?” and I said “Yeah” so she did, like a good mommy would. Of course… she didn’t cut and paste, like i would have, and so the edges got cut off, but she was pretty good at filling what was cut off in. She even read it to me.

What a nice mommy I have. 🙂 Especially since i had her running all over yesterday to help me feel better. For that matter I sorta had Dax doing a lot for me too. 😀 Anyway, I haven’t emailed my teachers telling them sorry for being absent and what not… so I better go do that. Can you imagine i spent all that time writing that stupid essay and then was too sick to turn it in!? How outrageous!

Derringer Meryl [Uhg, I need to get better] Out

Can I agree with my friend at Darthyoshi.com that yesterday ruled all? Yes. I’m still giggly and smiley from it all.

I would continue to be such the giggly and smiley if it weren’t for school, but I have to say, that today I was increasingly smarter sounding. *nods* definitely. I knew things. I pulled things from Seminary that I had learned, and I even commented in class, without being afraid that I sounded like an idiot. I guess i’m sorta numb to it all. I don’t care what other people think about me. I had a fan-freakin’-tastic time yesterday, so what other people might say doesn’t matter.

I have Toxic Stuck in my head, thus i’ve been listening to it, over and over again. *nods* I’m a Britney fan, what can I say. I don’t like her lifestyle. I think her choices in her life are poor. I think she could benifit from a good smack upside the head– but I do so enjoy her songs. Does that make me a little wrong? Possibly.

I used to hate Rollerskating, and now I find myself saying to my family “we should go do this” and to my friends “When you come up from college at Spring break we should go rollerskating.” They think I’m psycho, which is okay, because i might well be. I only fell twice, and i still had a great time.

Well, I have more class, and essay goodness. And a chapter of a D&D manual to read– which I hope to fit in somewhere before saturday– and hopefully Guts (You know i love you Guts!) will cover my shift. 🙂 Right??

Derringer Meryl [The taste of your lips] Out