Undone

I’d like to add, that when I broke up with my first boyfriend, I lost like, twenty pounds. I looked awesome. I looked amazing, and i loved it. i did it so he’d want me back, and I could say no– say “I love the way I am, who I am, and I won’t give the person i am to you, because i know you’ll only bring me down– and i can’t live like that.”

I feel like i’m going in reverse. I feel odd. I stopped my medication (which by the miracle called Science, was making me skinnier, or at least stable) and then i’m getting more depressed, for various reasons, and I hate the idea that i have to go back to therapy just to get my damn medication. I have ADD, therapy won’t make it go away, won’t make it better, and i’m not going to get better… it just won’t happen. Just give me the DAMN miracle pills, so i can be pretty again. So I can be skinny again, and everything will be okay.

*sighs* My body isn’t addicted to the chemicals. I have no need to take them as far as my body is concerned– I just want to take them for emotional reasons. My brain is addicted to the way they make me look. Skinny. Pretty.

Now if i wanted to look Ideal– that’d take about 20 Million in plastic surgery, so i could look like this and not break my back or anything. *shrugs* I work with men who idolize perfect women. I just want to be like that too.

Derringer Meryl [80% chance of starring in a] Out

Great. Just fan-freaking-tastic. Don’t you just love those things that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside–? Yeah, and i”m being freaking sarcastic, trust me–

I gained ten pounds… and guess what? I look like i’m four months pregnant, and GUESS WHAT???? I’M NOT!!! And then I talked ot Monkey on the phone, and was rather rude, but you want to know something? I don’t care. I don’t give a flying rat’s ass, because the only time we talk is when he needs something anyway… always about work, he never talks about anything else…. *sighs* whatever. I’m so done with that.

Today, blows.

Derringer Meryl [I will never eat, EVER again] Out

2003-10-13 – 4:21 p.m.

Mr. T Experience, I’m like Yeah, and she’s all No

Boy meets girl,

girl teases boy,

boy looks for something

to destroy.

He’s into her,

she’s onto him,

and that’s the way

it’s always been.

She’ll be with you

if you want her to,

unless she finds out

that you do.

Then somehow she

won’t want to be,

it turns around so suddenly.

And I’m like yeah,

but she’s all no,

and I’m all come on baby,

let’s go,

and she’s like

I don’t think so,

and I’m going…

The search for love and happiness

turns out to be a game of chess.

You can’t move

or you flip the board,

and you’re lying in pieces

on the floor.

I’m like um,

and she’s all hey,

and I’m all come on baby,

let’s play,

and she’s like

that’s okay,

and I’m going…

Every day

I just want to say

I love her madly,

but I do it so badly,

that when I do,

I can’t get through.

If she even listens,

she’s way off

in the distance.

Success in these relationships

rests more or less on gamesmanship,

and these are ships

that I can’t board,

or keep in order or afford.

I’m like yeah,

but she’s like no,

and I’m all come on baby,

lets go,

and she’s like

I don’t think so,

and I’m going.

I’m going.

I’m going.

*rocks out* I need to get OUT and away from these walls!

Derringer Meryl [and i’m all yeah] Out

I have to hate you for the little things…..

…… or i’ll love you for the big things

Honest to God. I’m going out of my mind here. Off my rocker, a few cookies short of a batch–

and i’ve obviously spent one too many years in my house– thinking about things–

Oh, and i’ve gotten into this vertigo thing. The dizzy for no reason– yeah. It’s a great thing, i’m enjoying it, immensely. *sighs* right, sleeping, good thing– sleep me now, yes?

Why can’t I love you?

Derringer Meryl [everything in my way] Out

Don’t ask me why my mind is where it is– but it is.

and no, for once in my life, it isn’t in the gutter.

I’ve just been listening to my music (depressing mostly) and I was thinking about Red coming to visit next weekend, and i’ve already mentioned how excited I am– and i was thinking

what if, God Forbid, this was the last time we spent together? What if she didn’t even make it to my house, and she never completely understood how much I love her, and value her, as a person and a friend. Then I was thinking, what if we got into a fight this weekend, and something bad happened while she was driving back, we’d never get to work it out. *sighs* and i can just see myself crying, these horrible huge tears, screaming at Monkey, that it’s his fault, that it was his fault that i didn’t get to say i was sorry. That it was okay….. and I can see myself, pretending again. Pretending to be happy when a horrible loneliness was eating at me inside, and I could see Gert asking me if I needed some time off, and me cheerily answering “What for? Did something happen?” and just hiding from the fact I had lost my best friend forever.

and Monkey wanted to switch me shifts, so i’d work saturday, instead of friday (which sucks that i have to work the weekend at all, but i suppose Red will rest on Friday night, and we can party all day long Saturday!… unless she has plans… But, we can party ALL of our allotted time! WAHOO!) and at first, i bent to his will… I said “sure Monkey, whatever you say monkey!” Because i’m me, and completely spineless. Then I called him back, and said “Actually Red is coming up that weekend, and i would really rather spend my time with her than covering your shift… so you can wait to go and kill deer until sunday… okay? Right.” I’m a little slow at it– but I’m getting my priorities right again, cause:

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,

Make it last forever friendship never ends,

If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,

Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.

Something like that. But Like I said before, there just isn’t anyone in this world at this point in my life, who i really want to shag. Be happy for me. My hormones are now under control. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Spice Girls aren’t evil] Out