Undone

So it’s uber late, and I’m up, writing in this… because I haven’t gotten around to writing in my physical journal… but this entry would (and does) vary very much from the real journal.

Because anyone can read this one. The other one, I’d say is under lock and key… but it isn’t… so … that would be really lame. Blah.

The psychological theory or proximity in choosing a mate is interesting. Also, it’s interesting to test it’s application in real life. I mean, take this for example. I used to have crush on my former Assistant Manager. I don’t any more, because I never see him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a friggin’ hot toddie, but the elastic in my underwear has ceased to melt. Maybe it’s because we don’t talk all the time, or maybe I’ve finally hyped myself out of it… I dont’ know. But it’s done. It’s run it’s course, and it’s done.

then I liked this guy from another store. Barely knew him, never saw him… blah, all of it. Now that, was pure, unadulterated LUST!! How can I tell? Well the fact that I couldn’t breathe around him, and the fact that I don’t remember hardly anything that he ever said to me, but I could tell you, he has one hell of a six pack and the most gorgeous smile you’ll ever see on a man…. *drools* that’s lust. I want him for his body. then that was done. Mostly with the whole multiple rejection thing and because he doesn’t seem too interested (cause I’m so damn fine…. HA!)

Then there’s this new guy. It wasn’t like a *WHOOSH* crush. It was like a gradual thing. In fact in the beginning i hated him. He was a major pain to me. Competition or something. Vying for our bosses attention. Sure, I thought he was handsome, but it wasn’t the major thing I noticed. he wasn’t a major pig was actually the first thing I noticed. he was polite, but not like prom polite, ya know? where you just open the door because it’s prom and you figure, “Well it’s just for tonight….” and then you do it…. Naw, he was like genuine.

My friend Red keeps telling me that I”m so brave, and that I always have the courage to ask guys out…. and I’m so brave and what not. The truth is, It took me a year to tell my assistant manager that I liked him. And I did that over this journal. (See the Pancakes and Gardina’s thing… crazy crap) and the other guy, well I was off in “I’m so happy i found an inexpensive prom dress and i could be going with the most handsome guy i have ever seen and could be a model” land that there was no time to be nervous. (Oh, yeah and he shot me down — like an american fighter pilot.) Eh, What can you do? So when It comes to this guy, he seems so nice, and ya know, i don’t have the perfect “He so wonderful” image in my mind (which is actually good, because that just ends up hurtin’ ya more.) he’s got flaws, but they balance with mine.

I guess the other guys were shots into the mystical wonderland of “NOT EVEN POSSIBLE” -ville that it didnt’ hurt because i was expecting it. I don’t know what to expect here, Really. I’m not sure what is going on in his mind…. but DAMN, would I love to crawl through it sometime.

and the fact he could be reading this, at any time, is really scary to me. Cause it’s like — ripping your heart out, splattering it on the net, and then waiting…..

I think the waiting is the worst

for the rejection that I KNOW will come. I can’t say I’m welcoming it with open arms, but it’s like…. an expected thing now.

A sturdy “Sorry but NO, Meryl.” and off to Ben and Jerry’s Land. (as well as 20 pounds heavier.

Whatever. Apathy is the key to living a successful life.

Derringer Meryl [Scared Pantsless] Out

So —

Yeah.

Monkey broke the news to me tonight that he just wanted to be friends. I can deal iwth that, he’s a groovy guy, and fun to hang with. However I can’t deny it broke my heart a little. *stretches her hands out*

Okay. So it hurt. I don’t blame monkey for the hurt. the hurt is just there, it’s a thing. Things hurt. I’ll struggle through with the hurt, and then it’ll be done.

and I know Monkey will be reading this. Because he does from time to time… It doesn’t hurt because of you. You’re spiffy, you’re splendorific. I love spending time with you. You make me laugh, and you like Buffy.

And I’m enough of a grown up to see that you make an excellent friend, and it’ll take a while for the hurt to stop, but — thank you for telling me. Some people wouldn’t have the heart, and in the end it’d just make it hurt more.

I guess what i’m trying to say is, I understand, and the fact that I hurt, it’s just a thing. and I like hanging out with you too.

now to leave with some lyrics…. because i like to do that. Goodnight Sweet Girl Ghost of the Robot

Are we done for now,

Or is this for good,

Will there be something in time?

With us there should.

Only girl for me is you

There can be no other one

If I didn’t have faith

I would come undone

So much promise in your eyes

Seems that I can only see

It always makes me wonder

If you save it all for me

Maybe you do

Maybe you don’t

Maybe you should

Probably won’t…

Because there will be…

There will be other guys

Who will whisper in your ear

Say they’ll take away your sadness

And your fears

They may be kind and true

They may be good for you

But they’ll never care for you

More than I do

I’ll be always there

There to the end

I can’t do much

But be your one true friend

To the end

Through the end

Our lives to spend

With each other till the end

Of time…

Still see the promise in your eyes

And still wonder if it’s for me

But i know it’s still there

Even when you sleep

So I say, good night sweet girl

I guess you’d just have to hear it. It’s awesome. After this song, I’m going to listen to the hell that is my life by Zebrahead, just because it makes me feel better about anything… and everything.

Derringer Meryl [bracing for a headache] Out

Drama Queen.

that’s what i am. i know it, you know it, and no matter where you happen to be in this great big world…. if you’ve been around me, you know i’m that way. It’s just me.

*sighs* I gave my co-worker a welt tonight. *winces* i feel bad, so I kissed it better. He and I got to talking about Camping, and how camping doesn’t like me. And i have to say that honestly Camping likes me just as much as i like Bill Gates. … *Grins wildly* Eh.

And about the job. The girl seems nice enough. I can’t say I can totally judge, i’ve only known her a few hours… but I know I could have done a great job, especially since I was thinking about how many people I’ve helped train. Travis, Morgan, Angie, Joel, a whole bunch. Honestly– I’ve helped train nearly everyone of my superiors, ever. It’s a little frustrating. I’ve been thinking, I could work and get the benefits of Gamestop, while the money of SLCC or even somewhere else. 🙂 Depending on where I get a job, I don’t really care…. I just need to supplement my income!!

Anyway, I’ll think, I’ll read email, and I’m going to gush like the teenage girl I am. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Gushie] Out