Undone

Back to school.

The three words that drive fear into the heart of any senior. That includes me. I hate it there, and it hates me there, so I think we’d all just be MUCH happier if I didn’t have to go. Blah. It’s not like the councilors listen or do much anyway. In fact, I”m not really sure what they’re doing anyway. I mean I tell them that the kids at school make me feel a little…. what’s the word….

PSYCHOTIC

but it’s like Columbine never happened. They don’t listen to me, and I could tell them till I’m blue in the face. God. I tell my therapist too, and it’s like something I”m supposed to deal with. Yes, I should just deal with ON MY OWN a debilitating anger management problem. Because so far, I’m doing SO well. It’s like– They don’t even hear the words I”m saying. Like the things I’m saying aren’t clear. I guess that makes sense, because i don’t understand completely either. It seems fairly simple.

I get angry around people.

I am forced to be around LOTS of people

I get REALLY angry.

Now what? You’re just going to leave me there to destroy the unsuspecting masses? God I love the school districts here. It’s like they’re praying for someone to come a long and kill all of the little sponge cakes off. They ask for it, pray for it, something to ease the economic PAIN they THINK they’re in.

Deluded Bastards. Don’t know anything.

I guess everyone will be a little more than surprised when my basket breaks. I told them and told them I was a screw loose. Fair warning. So much for them listening.

Derringer Meryl [Lucky I don’t own a gun] Out

Okay, so I’m the queen of oddity, I know that.

But over the past few days I’ve been thinking, a lot, about the human mind. The balance we all have inside of good and evil, passion and romance, love and apathy. All of these things balance inside of us, and too much of one or the other can make us—

inhuman.

unhuman. whatever, I don’t know. But you aren’t feeling or living or anything like that if you’re experiencing too much of one thing. Balance. Man did the chinese or who ever thought of balance have it right!

Too much passion and you spoil it. The relationship, the experience, anything. Too much passion and love becomes hate. Too much romance keys you towards an unfulfilled desire. it’s really– interesting how the human mind works. How we don’t completely understand even though our existence has been long and — slow. We are some of the slowest things on this earth. We learn very little. Even the smartest person on this earth could not tell me why people do what they do.

You are not truly intelligent unless you know the workings of the human mind.

I know it seems like crap, and total…. well BS and what not…. but think about it. We know nothing or next to it, about the human psyche. How we live and move and have personality. Where does that all go after we die? I mean I know, and I only do because I’ve searched for it…. but scientifically no one can prove it. They won’t know. They don’t have balance. HA!

Guys are always wondering what girls want from relationships. Honestly I can answer that question without a moments pause.

We have NO clue whatsoever what we want. Good luck guessing, because we are too. We want an amazing lover, who is gentle, romantic, passionate, and kind. We want a just man, a quiet man, a handsome man, a pious man….. blah blah blah! I could go on forever, but it’s a matter of fact that each girl not only wants something different, it is also a possibility that she is conflicted in what she wants from a guy.

I know I am. Romance and Passion are conflicting attributes. So there. *shrugs* I don’t know what i want, but I do know there is someone out there for me.

Derringer Meryl [Someday I’ll find a door that opens, it’s called faith, look it up] Out

Balance. I demand BALANCE!!

I was at work tonight. Talking to a co-worker friend of mine. Mostly about my relationships, and how apparently the entire state is on crack. I asked the guy I was raving on about in here out on a date. He said no (Of course, what else do you expect from me?) and once again added to the trama that is me. 🙁 Blah.

The whole balance thing. Well my friend was taunting me– about my whole deal with the guy who turned me down, and how i wouldn’t mind even being a controller in his hand, because I’d be near him. My friend of course had to take that all wrong. And THen I started listening to music from this total cutie from another state– he’s romantic and sweet and

Everything I want

Everything I need

Everything Inside of me

That I wish I could be–

but– the thing is, I don’t know. I don’t even know how to say it. I think there needs to be an equal balance of passion and romance. It doesn’t matter how much romance there is, if there isn’t any passion it makes it sap. If all you have is passion and no romance, you might as well be screwing a giggalo. So do you understand? The need for balance.

I’m not against telling someone they are beautiful, or opening doors, or sending flowers– But the passion– the feeling that you can’t breath when you’re around them. That their touch makes you want to die inside– That’s what I need. Both. I guess I’m too demanding.

It’s hard to do that. Find a balance. I’m not sure which I need more. At this point– The passion. The Lack of passion in my life is despicable… as well as completely disgusting. *sighs*

My friend asked me if (very embarrassed he was) I was in need of a good shag. I pled the fifth- I still do. Not because necessarily I do, but I know for a matter of fact I need a little passion. *Pouts*

Derringer Meryl [Music Gets the Best Of Me] Out

I don’t know what to feel anymore.

It’s like the stress and the anger– I guess everything about emotions get more and more confusing as you get older. And admittedly, I’m rather mature for my age, I got accused of being a mother yesterday. It wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences, and it makes me think about re-evaluating the way I dress.

Not to mention I haven’t gotten my silly Power point presentation for Literary Magazine done yet. It needs sounds and what not. *gags* I don’t want to complain but– I’m a little tired of having to do all of this. Transitions, sounds, and animations.

Really, This is getting annoying.

AND

I’m fairly sure Microsoft is intent on making me pay for their fetching product. *shakes her fist* I don’t want to pay over $100 for something I”m only going to use once. I don’t think it’s fair, I don’t think it’s right. I hope Bill Gates and his little henchmen get a nice big kharmatic kick in the butt.

I’ve reached another new dilemma. My schedule has been toned down to 3.5 hours per week. (for the last two weeks) Not only is this LESS than part time it also happens to be illegal in this state. The extra shibby thing is that I’m the only one getting screwed. My two other co-workers are getting seven and eight hours. And what am I supposed to do? I mean you have to understand that I’m an anti-confrontation person. I don’t like demanding things. I’m not good at it. I’m not good at much actually.

But c’mon, three and a half hours? That’s jacked especially since everyone else is getting more. *pouts* this is crap.

Down with Management!!!

Down with Microsoft!!

Down wtih Homework!

the story of me is a long and confusing one.

I freely admit that. It’s at least a novel, and it wouldn’t make much sense. Well– unless you wear tinfoil hats worried that the aliens will steal your brainwaves, but i’m getting off the subject here.

Which is how screwed up I am. Now, I’m not beat on or anything (at least not that I can remember….) and while traumatic things have happened to me, I can honestly and fully say, I have not had it SO bad in life. The thing is, not what happens to you, but how you handle it. I don’t know if i’ve mentioned that before in here, but that’s the key to life. Not how you act so much to how you react. This guy I was listening to said it this way:

“Through your life you may run into some real bastards and they’ll take you for a ride, but all of that doesn’t matter. What matters is not how they act, but how you react.”

and that’s totally true. *nods* I may not have had the short end of the stick and I can greatfully say that I have never been raped in my life, or physically abused by my loved ones. While other types of abuse have been practiced on me (mainly by the general unloving public) I never understood it’s not how bad of a life you’ve had, it’s what you’ve done with the experience.

That’s the key to how screwed up I am. I pickled my crap. Yes I freely admit (once again) I have pickled crap. I took everything that ever bothered me and I stuffed into a jar and let it set until it hurt so much. Blah. this had a point.

The thing is– this will hand you the laugh of your life– all goes back to this guy I like. Not the same I guy I ranted forever about. He’s a doll, and a wonderful guy, and he’ll make a wonderful husband to some very lucky girl. I guess I finally accepted it wasn’t me. *shrugs* I may have a thick skull, but I’ve seen thicker.

I haven’t liked him forever, just since I met him. It was like, take your breath away charisma. *sighs* hard to describe. It’s like– in my Big Fat Greek Wedding when the guy says that his life was dull before he met Toula. I wouldn’t go so far as that…. *blinks*

It’s an extreme statement. I do not negate it. Basically, he makes me excited about living and doing things, and writing, and makes me want to talk, not just listen. So vibrant and alive– funny and sensitive, and very very friendly.

I openly admit that I was very light headed the first time I met him. Still when I talk to him, it’s like some kind of out of body experience.

and I sound like some fan girl drooling over the latest boy band. *gags*

and yet– it seems like something special, in a very real way. Almost– magical.

Derringer Meryl [Sappy Me] Out