Undone

This is not political, it’s just that I, I

Demand attention when I walk into the room

And it’s not that I can’t play ball hard, it’s just that I don’t want to

And the more I think about this pressure love, I don’t want you

And I can’t have you, and that’s what hurts the most

I cannot show you these things I boast

Throw my heart out, keep my head up, I cannot fuck up cuz

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only cause you pain, yeah (I promise that)

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only bring on the rain, yeah yeah

So I’ll prefer to run this road rough around the edges

Good for something but too good to give it to you

You run your own course at your own pace but I just got impatient

See, I wanted to explore

Forsake you, forsook you, abate you, dissipate you

So turn fate around, I believed that I was free of you (not)

I still believe in those days on benches at sunset or the waves in July

Or was it March

We weathered weathers and storms real and imagined, such fragile tenderness

You are truly blessed

I stress this as I blow you this kiss as I blow it in the wind, mwah

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only cause you pain, yeah (I promise that)

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only bring on the rain

Chuva, chuvinhao

Venh, venh ca, rapaz

Gonna make you cry

So damn hard

You’re gonna curse your drawers and wish you weren’t a boy

Gonna make you cry

So damn hard

You’re gonna curse your drawers and wish you weren’t a boy

I will make you cry

I will make you cry

(Boohoo)

They say time is made of memories

Well I remembered and I’m tired

This is not political

It’s just that I remember the fire

Babe you left me with my head held high

And I feigned to be more than I was, didn’t I

I thought I could do without sugar love

But this chocolate has turned into sweet bubble gum

Candy is sweet but honey is sweeter

It tastes like the real thing but candy is much much cheaper (cheaper)

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only cause you pain, yeah (I promise that)

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only bring on the rain

(Rain a’fallin’ down, rain a’fallin’ down, hahahaha)

(Rain a’fallin’ down, rain a’fallin’ down, hahahaha)

(Rain a’fallin’ down, rain a’fallin’ down, hahahaha)

Time crying

You’ll be crying

I’m sorry I made you cry

I didn’t mean to

Let me wipe those tears away

Wipe those tears away

Don’t cry baby

It’s only rain

[Nelly Furtado: I Will Make You Cry]

Derringer Meryl [I got what you need Boy] Out

Make a Wish, It’s eleven Eleven.

Funny eh? I love it when it’s that time. It’s really… interesting. it’s the only time of day when all four numbers are the same. only time. I think that’s…. quirky.

Anyway, I know things can’t get anymore awkward at work. I’m sure they will, but if it did get any more awkward, i’d have to be … well doing things that I’ll only do after marriage. 😀

Onward.

I have to decide what movie to watch tonight, it’s a hard choice, maybe I’ll watch Wallace and Gromit, cause I rented it, and it’s due back tomorrow, and I really need to watch it so I don’t feel stupid for actually getting it, and not watching it.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, When one door closes I hope another opens

Today is full of sleeping. I slept when I came home from church.

Speaking of church, as i was speaking of it, it’s a funny thing. I feel at peace, and I feel hope for the life ahead that seems almost always too hopeless…..

But It seems unnatural to me. It seems like I was destined to always feel sad, and feel like there was no other purpose to my life than to bring others down to the depths where I live.

and yet. At church I feel — illuminated, and I can’t lie to you and say it’s the people. If I did, I’d lose the feeling I get there. I feel that way there because of the hope, and because of the light and the love. It seems weird that I can feel love from a place, and not from a person, but I associate some one with it. I associate my God with it.

So even if it is the one person I feel truly loves me despite all my little stupid down falls.

I realized how much like a seminary video script this sounds and such…. So I’ll stop, so I don’t smother you with my religious thoughts.

And Because Sunday is good for two things:

1)Church, and Church Food

2)Murder, it’s the only appropriate day.

Derringer Meryl [Pancakes and Gardinias Taste good Together] Out

So I went to work on… umm whatever day that was. I’d have to think and right now a temperature of one hundred degrees is preventing me from thinking much.

So If I can’t spell. None of you imaginary people are surprised.

When did I go to work? I think it was Wednesday. Yeah. On Wednesday, I worked with nearly all my managers, assist, etc, and it was, interesting to say the least, the very least.

HE was there. It was interesting. I still didn’t get any sort of pancakes thing, but um, maybe he didn’t get that he was supposed to say anything to me, or maybe….

I shouldn’t let my mind wander like that, It’s too small to be let outside….

Anyway he says to me he says “I got those notes you left for me on my car, and I said to myself ‘this is Pant’s website'” and I flushed, I”m pretty sure noticeably, and nodded and asked him what he thought of them. He thought they were “Definitely mine” and really nothing more was said.

I’m disappointed in the lack of Pancakes.

I like Pancakes.

Maybe I shouldn’t write when I’m sick, but I forgot to do this last night…..

Anyway, I happened to have cursed him too. Did I already tell this story? I think so. Anyway I cursed him and I told him I did, and he says “I hate you” In this little mock-y voice he does, it’s so foxy, and I just sorta went all flush-y again and my eyes got all really big and I looked at him and said……

“I hate me too”

Wow. Anti-climatic eh? I thought so. I said it quiet enough that he didn’t respond….. But it’s the honest truth *Waits for a huge smack on her head* i get annoyed with myself sometimes, just like anyone else.

Oh and my Boss nearly made me cry again. What a jerk.

Today I realized that I am the living Anne Shirley from Anne Of Green Gables, and Anne of Avonlea. I love those shows. Man. I just do. She’s all romance girl and wants things to be so great, and they never are good enough for her. I’d settle for what she got, corsets and all. *shakes her fists at corsets* Damn you.

Yeah. Right. Mom is asking if this entry is juicy.

My friend says it should be made into a book.

I laugh because this is the dullest thing ever known to man.

She says it isn’t dull. Oh Well, no reason to argue, but I’m talking right now to the only person I swear reads this little section of the internet.

I wonder if HE went here.

*blinks*

I suppose I’ll never know, unless I get some Pancakes.

Hey, if you know me, and you’ve read this just say to me:

“Pancakes taste good with Gardinias”

It’s just a thing I have, and I”ll know what you’re talking about, and so will you.

That’s all we need, isn’t it?

Just wanted to write in here really quick, since I’ve been a little busy, and school is going to start soon.

I’m a little excited for school.

Anyway- on the lack of romance front, I have to say this….

He got a dry socket.

For those of you who aren’t children of people who were in the dentistry field I’ll explain. When you get your wisdom teeth out (or any major mouth surgery) You can get something called a dry socket. basically you end up pulling the clot that is healing the wound out. It hurts, and it’s bad. But with the proper maintenance it won’t happen.

He kept telling me how he’d only feel sick for two days, and be fine. So I have to laugh since I cursed him with this little dry socket. I’m horrid.

No Pancakes yet, but I’m hoping at work tomorrow, that possibly, ya know, like maybe, I can get some pancakes.

maybe. I don’t even know who i’m working with. oy vey.

Work today was exhausting and funny. I think that work should at least be fun. It sorta put me in a bad mood to come home and have my mom tell me she had been working all afternoon, like I hadn’t. I was working hard not to punch my boss with some of the things he says.

I’ve affectionately gotten more nicknames “pants” (Of course, i’ve had that one since practically day one) “Pantalones” (Pants in my boss’ private little language) “Naughty girl” He calls me that occasionally, i just got it today, but It’s all good.

I have to say I’m happy there because of the nicknames. It’s so funny how many nicknames I can get with all the funny stories.

Did I ever tell the Martha story?

I don’t know, but it’s so funny. However, tonight is not the night. I’m slightly nervous as to work tomorrow. I wish I had the insight to remember to check and see, maybe I’ll call at eleven tomorrow and see who answers.

I’m so clever, I could write radio jingles.

Yeah right

Derringer Meryl [Turn off the lights] Out

It’s insane.

How much I am a hopeless romantic. I want someone to run home and call me, because they miss me. I suppose that’s too much to ask, especially in this day in age.

Plus Romance isn’t something you find often in high school, if at all. I can’t help but want it.

I’ve wanted to be married since I was little. I wanted to be away from all the bad things in my life, hiding in the safety that I thought was marriage, where you can hide and no one cares that you’re leaning on your spouse because you’re supposed to.

Then I grew up, and while I still long for the companionship of marriage, I am afraid for all the other things that marriage brings.

Like divorce and fights

and money problems, and finding things out about my spouse that I never knew, that I didn’t want to know. Dealing with all that, and having problems, possibly such big problems that we can’t work through

and then I’d be alone again.

I want to meet someone so devoted to me that they’d dress up as hello kitty for me. Not because I say it all the time, but because then I’d know that they’d really love me, that making a fool of themselves isn’t something that’s bad, and that I’m worth it.

Trust me I have a list of things that are I’d do, or I’d like someone to do for me.

Screwing is not one of them.

I figured blunt was the best way to put that one. Sometimes making love can be the deepest and most binding things in a relationship, but since not everyone thinks that way in the world, it’s not one of the things I’d do for a relationship. It’s not. How easy is it to pick up your clothes from a one night stand and leave.

Too easy.

Sure it’s equally easy to step out of a hello kitty costume and say “I’m breaking up with you” but hey, no one calls you a few months later saying “Hey, Remember that one time that you wore that hello kitty costume? Well I’m pregnant.”

I’m an odd little kitten aren’t I? Well Demented is one of the things I do best. Strange isnt’ it? I thought so.

It’s insane.

I never want to feel emotion again. Never. I want to chuck all of my feelings and emotions into the jordan river and watch them float in the mucky duck water. I don’t care.

I DON’T CARE!

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

Derringer Meryl [Having a Shinji Moment] Out