Undone

No Sound. I got a new harddrive, which is spiffy and pretty, but I have NO sound. I’m not very happy. No eminem for me while I write. That makes me sad. Very Very sad. *sniffles* I’ll fix it later. I’m too tired to care right now.

Cause I need to rant.

Change

I hate change. I hate it a bunch. I hate how everyone expects me to understand it and do it like there’s no big deal at all. And I feel like chucking a brick through the head of the next person who tells me to go with the flow.I don’t know how to. No one has taught me, or explained to me HOW. They just tell me that i have to. I hate that. Give me steps, tell me how, explain to me.

and I want to murder my computer, I want MUSIC dang it. I don’t want to hear the laughter, I don’t want to hear the jokes, I don’t want to deal with everyone else, I just want to listen to Eminem swear about how life sucks. That’s all I want right now. And so…

I’m about to pull my hair out.

I went to see Win a Date with Tad Hamilton and fell in love with Topher Grace (all over again)

I renamed (or will rename) my computer soon, to Miroku. Don’t ask, don’t tell. I’m pretty strict on this one this time. I figure New harddrive, New name, right?

I better go figure out WHAT exactly I’m going to do my Psychology paper about — I’m going insane, slowly.

Derringer Meryl [need to update more often] Out

Well, i’ve just finished watching the first two Matrix Movies. Edited of course. *smiles* See I have this thing… where I get excessively guilty if I break a rule. It’s a rule not to watch Rated R movies. So there ya go.

Can I say i’m so stressed out. I have a psychology paper due tuesday, a chapter i should be reading, 12 lines of blank verse I should be writing….

and honestly, i don’t know how to count iambic pentameter. I’m horrid at it. Blah. Not to mention I can’t tell where an accent is or isnt’ for the life of me. Maybe I can find something to help me online? Hey, if you find one, you should tell me!

Have you ever seen Ally McBeal? Ya know, in the beginning before it got too… tangenty? She’d always go off into these little dream worlds where something she wished would happen, did. I had a moment like that today. One of my mom’s friends (acquaintance, whatever.) was talking, and i heard a car door slam, and that’s all it took for me to be propelled into a dream-like state.

I heard faint stomping outside as someone cleaned off their shoes, I assumed it to be my brother, since he was outside cleaning the sidewalks off, but the doorbell rang, which is something someone who lives in the house doesn’t do unless it’s locked. So I excused myself from the dull conversation and crossed the room. I turned the door to see an incredibly hansome man looking at me. He gave me a stoney glare. I shrugged it off as I exited outside to talk to him. There was the faint sound of shoveling in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention to it. “What do you want?” I asked Jarringly. I seem irritated, my arms folded across my chest, half in anger, half in a sincere attempt to keep myself warm. His eyes soften. “I’m sorry.” He whispers momentarily, and takes a step towards me. “But I can’t take all this time away from you. What I said….” he looks me in the eye. “It was wrong. I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want this to be a once in a while thing. I want to be with you.” By this time his hands have settled on my hips, pulling me towards him. I rest my head on his chest, inhaling the scent i associate with him. “I can’t live without you anymore.” He whispers in my ear. I’m breathless. Every moment is right. He’s the right guy, i’m the right girl (he just said so, finally!) and he leans in, and I stand on my tip toes (just a little) and i’m swept into the most romantic kiss known to man….

but them i’m jarred back into reality with the question if i’m dating anyone. I say no. That’s really my choice, as well as my private business, isn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [Crazy Confused] Out

I’ve been thinking alot about the whole marriage thing, about why and when and how and what not.

I’ve basically tossed all of my good chances of getting married out the window, especially getting married any time soon (read, within the next year) but if it’s not there, it’s not there, and despite the craziness, you gotta respect the chemistry.

I was talking to Antigone about unconditional love. She says she’s not sure there’s such a thing. I told her I thought i might have experienced the sensation– she asked if it was obsession (see: Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.) and I asked her what was the line between obsession and unconditional love? She wasn’t sure there was one, they may even over lap, except in the case of God. I can see that. still. I have friends of mine who i love (in a friendly manner, as friends do) and you couldn’t sway me from that love. No matter what, it’ll be there. Sure, sometimes i’ll be angry, or something, but i’m always open. I’m always here, to be leaned on, to listen, and to give my love away freely. Maybe i just have a stinking high opinion of myself to say that i can do that, but i think i’m doing it as much as I can. Maybe my condition to love is that i know you. People i don’t know irritate me to no end. I have to admit that. *nods* I guess, i’m sorta not as good as I thought i was… but i’m living it as close as I can to it.

Also, we discussed in class today why people drink. It’s not to get drunk like one might assume, it’s to feel love. It lowers your inhibitions, and i guess then you’re open enough to be loved…. how insane.

i guess that’s no worse than being in love and keeping it to yourself, but at least you have something to numb the pain a little, ya know?

Derringer Meryl [Selfesteem the fourth chakra?] Out

Oh Ivillage.com, where you you two days ago??

You could have saved me then. But No Such luck. You rotten un-accessible people. I hate you all.

*waits a moment tenatively as ivillage starts to give craptastic advice*

I’m sorry baby, i didn’t mean it. Honest. Why dont’ you come and snuggle up with me…. *snuggles ivillage* You know I love you baby.

Derringer Meryl [In serious need of psycho therapy] Out

what a bad monkey i am. I only wrote two entries last week.

Let me tell you, last week sucked hobo butt. I don’t mean the clean hobos who are actually fairly well off people who go home to a nice house after panning on the streets all day, I mean the crazy hobo who can’t make any sense when he talks. Yep. That kind of hobo. and possibly a stabbing hobo. Whatever.

I got a new CD, thanks to my mom. I know i’m a sissy girl who still lives with her parents and gets all of this stuff for free. It was actually my mom paying me back for a favor i did, so it’s slightly more legit than me going “Mommy I want this” and therefore getting my way. Most of the time i pay for my luxury items. Magazines and the like, but sometimes I whine enough that my loving mother buys me stuff. *nods* What i really want are the back issues of the Newtype magazine that are sold in a store that is across the valley. (approx. 10 miles, at least we guess as much) *shrugs* Anyway, I got the Newfound Glory, Sticks and Stones CD. I was pretty excited. I was stuck between like four maybe five CDs that I wanted. (that I really really wanted.) The New No Doubt Singles Mix thingy, Liz Phair’s Newest, Alanis Morisette’s Jagged little Pill, Linkin Park Meteora (which I’m getting soon anyway), and Hoobastank’s newest. I’m pretty into music now days, which is a total 180 from what i used to be. I used to not care, I guess i can thank Chunga for that, as well as my old psych teacher (who introduced me to 10,000 Maniacs) 🙂

Speaking of Good tunes, May I suggest My Friends Over You,New Found Glory For your happy intake of musical goodness? You might think NFG is just another punk band, but i beg to differ. They have unique lyrics, and while you’d expect the lyrics to fall into a Dashboard Confessional type Punk (whiney and quiet, though I do still like them) they are still the traditional screaming and angry, though the lyrics are quiet sounding.

Before i get to the lyric spew i need to get something off my chest. I’ve been thinking lately about the line from As Good As It Gets Jack Nicholson’s character says to Helen Hunt’s, “You make me want to be a better man,” and i’ve been thinking. That compliment would make me melt. But when i examine my own dating situations. Anyone who makes me feel like i need to change to be good enough for them, slightly annoys me. I suppose it’s all in the attitude. Being in love enough that you’d change yourself for a person, as opposed to feeling like that person is demanding you change so they can date you. I think that’s the key. (Read Hoobastank’s The Reason Lyrics. You’ll sob, I guarentee.) i hate to hurt people. But i don’t like the feeling that someone won’t like me unless i’m different for them. Maybe that’s just mostly my perception. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not so much that they want me to change as I want to change because i dont’ feel comfortable around them as I am…. If that at all makes sense.

Oh, and if the Specialist happens to be reading this, I want you to ask Antigone if I can ask her some questions. I’m just a curious little monkey. Badger, whatever. I’m some sort of animal or something. Besides a curious little badger doesn’t sound as catchy as a curious little monkey.

Now does it?

Right, Lyric Spew. You know who it is, and what song, so deal with it.

I’m drunk off your kiss

For another night in a row

This is becoming too routine for me

But I did not mean to lead you on

And it’s all right to pretend

That we still talk

It’s just for show, isn’t it

It’s my fault that it fell apart

Just maybe

You need this

And I didn’t mean to

Lead you on

You were everything I wanted

But I just can’t finish what I’ve started

There’s no room left here on my back

It was damaged long ago

Though you swear that you are true

I still pick my friends over you

(My friends over you)

Please tell me everything,

That you think that I should know

About all the plans we made

When I was never to be found

And it’s all right to forget

That we still talk

Its just for fun, isn’t it

It’s my fault that it fell apart

Cuz maybe you need this

And I didn’t mean to

Lead you on

You were everything I wanted

But I just can’t finish what I’ve started

There’s no room left here on my back

It was damaged long ago

Though you swear that you are true

I still pick my friends over you

(My friends over you) x2

Just maybe you need this

You need this…

And I didn’t mean to

Lead you on

You were everything I wanted

But I just can’t finish what I’ve started

There’s no room left here on my back

It was damaged long ago

Though you swear that you are true

I still pick my friends over you

(Repeat)

MY friends over you

Derringer Meryl [So I’m choosing a GUY friend, your point] Out