Undone

Have you ever just wanted to dress up like you’re from another place, even if you don’t have any heritage from there?

My oldest brother did it for his wedding. he dressed up like he was from scotland with kilts and what not.

I would like to dress up like i was old traditional Celtic or Japanese. I haven’t chosen one or the other, but I’ve been looking at them both, and found a very handsome Uchikake at a very reasonable price on Ebay. *nods* Of course then I’d need a Kimono, and then I’d need an obi, and someone who knew how to tie a obi, and what not… but I’m not one of those people. I wish I knew a Japanese person who could teach me.

Heh.

Anyway, random thought. If you want to check out the Uchikake (that’s a formal Kimono btw) you can do so here

Derringer Meryl [I don’t think I’m ever gonna grow up] Out

Things i’ve learned lately:

1. No matter what, it’s really not a good idea to try to do the Night at the Roxbury thing while skating. Really. Don’t try it, unless you like falling down. (See: What Is Love? [7″ Mix] – Haddaway)

2. Sometimes the best laid plans give way to the most memorable moments.

3. As said by someone very wise: “Why is it when your life is in danger you can only yell one or two words?” (See: IRON GATE! or possibly BIG STICK!)

4. What could be more fun than having your own inside joke? (See: Mango the Zombie and Necro-Nancy)

5. Sometimes the simplest things are the sweetest. These simple things can also cause certain people to giggle insanely for long amounts of time, and possibly grin at unexpected moments.

6. Having Tenth Kingdom Marathons are also known to make certain people grin as well.

7. I am the entertainment of my family. I am the newest soap opera– I suppose — and I love it.

8. Songs on Repeat while writing can make you smile as you remember people…. and moments.

9. Every near death experience remembered makes me appreciate everyone I know who is alive.

10. Every scary experience, say falling in love, is worth it.

I got a check in the mail today, and I’m so excited. I’m going to FINALLY get my Inuyasha with it, unless I can think of something else to do with it. I really should save it– but I want to have something to do while i’m unable to move during Spring Break (I’m getting the little lovelies removed off of my foot again. Hopefully they’ll stay away this time.) I really hope I don’t get scheduled next wednesday, but I know Guts or maybe Monkey would be willing to switch with me. 😉 I’m getting to the point where I don’t even want to go to work, cause i’d rather hang out with Scott and his friends.

(looks at her TV) huh, my DVD has a scratch or a defect. Hm.

*coughs and goes back to her previous statement* I know that might make no sense to anyone here, but i love work. I spend a lot of my time there. They are my only social outlet.

Looks like my counter broke 1700, thanks guys and gals!

Bah, I must go and cook and see when I work.

Derringer Meryl [Angel from my Nightmare] out

I just got back from 50 first dates. Great movie, not ranking up with Wedding Singer, but still pretty good. I’m thinking it was the company more than anything. He got me popcorn and a drink, and honestly, I’m one of those people where it’s the small things that count, because i miss them so much. I’ve never been on a date to the movies before where the guy pays for me, and buys me popcorn and a drink. I’m really not that hard to please. *smiles* It also makes me happy that I’m going to go play D&D again this week. He’s even going to the trouble to have his friends come and get me. *smiles*

Once again. The small things impress me the most. Did I mention he stopped to get me a rose from Walmart? *blushes* Flowers from guys in the past limited to required prom exchanges. And one bouquet of roses and daisies that i got from a guy I never met because he stood me up on our first date. (his Mom told him no.)

If you’re a regular reader of my blog (and possibly my writing journal) then you know i’m kinda delusional sometimes (see Ally McBeal, that kind of delusional) where I stop and think that people are actually caring enough to do something as nice as get me flowers. I was really touched.

And i love to hear stories about his friends. About their death defying trips around his town. And I love how he’s not … how he isn’t deterred by the fact that i’m quiet. (Except of course when it comes to Sean Astin, how could I be quiet?) I love how his smile is kinda crooked, it’s so adorable. I love how I can’t stop grinning when I’m thinking about him. I love how his friends make me feel included. I don’t think i’ve felt this right ever in my entire life.

And that’s the scary part. I’m afraid. I’ve never fit in anywhere. I’ve always felt like the little girl playing with the big kids– until now.

Mostly I love how when he hugs me …. i feel like nothing in the world could go wrong.

Oh, and as a quick ps, He kissed me. 🙂 and I liked it.

Derringer Meryl [Back and Forth] Out

I had quite a nice day at school today. While for my first class I was tired and angry that i had make up homework, I’m just ready to throw in the towel and turn what is done without even trying. I don’t deem it necessary to take time to walk a mile and a half and take my heart rate and count my bloody calorie intake.

Why? Because it depresses me to think of how much fat and what not i’m taking into my body. My fitness philosophy for life: “I’m going to die. There is no evading that. I might as well enjoy what i’m going to eat. Sometimes I’ll enjoy a healthy salad, and sometimes i’ll enjoy a little debbies snack. and sometimes I want to eat so much processed cheese that i can feel my heart stop. I’m going to die a happy woman. yessir.”

So, I love my carbs, and I love tuna fish. So … i’m not gonna give that up. Sorry.

I have yet another odd confession. I’m pretty much technically illiterate. I complained about my sound being out on my computer for like a week (or maybe two) when it was just my speakers being plugged in at the wrong place. The only USB port i’ve ever seen is on the PS2, and i don’t know how to install hardware to my PC. *frowns* I know that I have fourty gigs on my computer *nods enthusiastically* I know how to program basic stuff. (not program in BASIC, just how to program basic website stuffage) I know that my mouse used to need a converter for my computer, i’m not sure it does anymore. *frowns*

The basic thing is that I’m afraid i’m being seen as more spiffy than I am. I write. I program HTML (in the simplest of manners) and I play video games…. sometimes I get frustrated and can’t play certain ones. LIke resident Evil. I love the whole thing– but i can’t run in the game. I really really suck at them. But I love to play. I’ve roleplayed before, online, based on an anime i watched. Often I get into these weird moods where I can only think bad of myself (i’m thinking i’m in one right now) and I can’t possibly understand why anyone would ever want to spend a minute of their precious time on this earth with me. And it scares me. The way I am. I’m so scared of loving someone because I know it hurts. The first time I told someone i loved them (non family of course) he said “You don’t know what love is.” I’ve kinda always doubted myself because of that. Always went back to that mentality when i got depressed.

And it seems like the highest of highs may be great, I’m just the pessimist that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. For someone to say “I’ve changed my mind. Bye!” and at this point that would break me all over again. I’m so scared to open up to anyone, because… everyone seems to want to pick me apart when I do that. And I’m so scared that my throat constricts. I know the lows that come after being this happy, and I’m scared. I’m scared that if and when it comes that i won’t survive this time. That scares me. I’m scared that I’m gonna scare Scott, and thus it’ll just be some huge self fulfilling prophecy and i’ll be my own demise somehow.

and i’m tired of tainting my own happiness like this.

And oh blah, I just realized I have a psych paper to write for tomorrow. Crap-tastic.

Derringer Meryl [Great. Grand. FANTASTIC] Out

I should be doing my homework, but i’m distracted– thinking to myself about things. About my job and getting another and whether I should or not, and how i’m being a drama queen about it.

Mostly I’ve been thinking about how well i’m known for knowing love. I let my friends read some pieces of mine about love. They said it was great, said that i nailed it on the head. I suppose there’s so much more room for exploration of the sensation when you’re trying to figure out what about you is unlovable. Why you keep getting turned away from the opportunity to love. Every time, I knew i was setting up to fall. I knew the guys weren’t interested. Even when they said they were. They didn’t seem to be at the same place i was. The place where you think about someone and how you want to make them happy nearly every moment. (which i can vouch for being very distracting) and you just… want to be there with them. And I feel lost in all of this. Lost in the fact that Scott likes me, even admits to loving me. I’m shocked. Not weirded out or freaked out. I”m just lost in the sensation of being loved by someone who isn’t family. i just… dont’ know. I don’t know how to feel or move or act. I sorta feel like a deer in the headlights. A very giddy and smiling deer, but all the same.

The Mouth said I was all giddy and smiley today. he said it’s much more fun to work with me when I’m like that than any other time. Guts Agreed. Guts added that he wanted to meet the guy, and was willing to pay $150 in excess tips to get him to deliver a pizza to his house. *smiles* I laughed. I may have to tell Scott about that. Even though I think he may be reading this right now *shrugs* all the same, I think of Guts like an older brother. I’d really like to go get some coffee (or hot chocolate in my case) with him, so he can tell me some of his stories. I don’t think he knows how much of an ego boost he is to me when he tells me he likes my writing. Honest. It makes me very happy.

Makes me wonder when we’re gonna do something again (Scott and I)…. Blah, and as I think about that, it reminds me that i have a pile of homework that i need to do …. so off to work I go.

Until … well, later.

Derringer Meryl [Good day]