Undone

Impending doom. I know what that feels like. i have this sick horrible feeling settled into my stomach telling me that everything I touch or I’m involved in breaks. I’m a ruiner. I ruin things for others.

I’m petrified of getting married. it’s not that I don’t love Scott, because I do. He’s wonderful, and about fifteen million other similar adjectives…. but I’m still scared. I’m scared of becoming like other married couples who aren’t happy. I’m scared of becoming like my parents.

I’m scared that Scott will be like my dad. (at this moment I’m shaking rather violently, excuse any spelling mistakes) My dad never was very much involved in my life (until now) and …. that sorta makes me angry. He always said it was my mom’s job to be involved with my school stuff. He never went to one parent teacher confrence, and like two of my choral recitals…. he went to a play I did once– mom was always so much more vigilant. Dad seemed out of the loop.

I guess something Scott said yesterday just scared me. He said that i’d be in charge of nurturing the kids.

I don’tknow. That just sorta brought my dad to mind. Maybe I’m out of line–but… All i know is that this horrible feeling in my stomach just won’t go away.

Derringer Meryl [Didn’t want to say that] Out

I love this week. Scott isn’t closing at work (hurrah!) so we get to spend a lot more time together. Tonight we went with Scott’s best friend ever to give his fiancee her ring (it was being sized) and we got to chat for a little while to her roommates. (I’m having a difficult time thinking up names for them. Simply because the name “Red” is forever and always taken, so I have to think of a slightly more brilliant name. (or more original?))

Anyway, we went bowling after that– I lost horribly. I’m bad at it, besides the fact that i’m growing my nails out and the ball broke my thumb nail (grrr!) It was still a fun time to be had. 🙂 I enjoy going out and doing things a lot more than I used to. I’m still not very talky– but I think that is very much my own fault. We cheered each other on, Scott and I sang along to “American Pie” … i think he’s got a pretty good voice. Maybe we could be a husband wife duo like “The White Stripes” (Who I’m fairly sure are a Husband/Wife Duo) While we played, Scott and I cuddled after our frames (which you may find sickening, but if you saw what they were doing– you’d be much more comfortable with the cuddles)

*sighs* Not to say that I don’t like them– but I’m certainly hoping they get over this kissy make out phase soon. I’m sure they’re both wonderful people to converse with when they aren’t attached to one another’s faces. (Is that rude? I guess I’m pretty blunt) Moving on….

So we took her back to her house first, and it took them a while to say good bye, but Scott and I Understood it full well how it felt. Still it seemed like it crunched in on our goodbye time…. *sighs* I do miss Scott a lot of the time. I’m glad he doesn’t see me when he’s not around. I’m a grouchy mean person (quite contrary to what I want to be… considering my catch phrase is “be nice!”) I have a shorter fuse and I get frustrated with noises. It’s like being on concerta again. (Which instead of making me focus on one thing, made me focus on everything!) it’s a little wacky and zany…. I’m okay when he’s away (ie, I’m still breathing and existing and what not) but I really do miss him.

I try not to worry about all the things I have buzzing inside of my brain that i wish I could tell him. About how lucky I am to have found HIM. He’s constantly telling me how lucky he was to have found me– but… I could not be more lucky than I am. I figure that it’s all that pent up Karma finally coming back to me. (thank goodniess) and it’s surely payment for that one time I stood up for a girl in class, and then she picked on me too. 😛 I wish I could tell him all the things I think and how great he really is to me. Even in the written word the vocabulary for the supreme greatness evades me. (Grammar starts to go wonkey too) I love everything about him. *sighs* It’s so perfect.

Derringer Meryl [Falling in Love Again] Out

I love the moon. I do. I think it’s singlely one of God’s Greatest creations. I love how people say that on the full moon people do crazy things. I’m sure you’ve heard of them, they’re called Lunatics. Now, that name carries a negative connotation, but I have to admit.

The moon does do crazy things to people. Not always bad crazy things (ala the image you get when someone says Lunatic) but sometimes people get more courage from it….?

I don’t know. I’m rambling. When I ramble I usually should write…. like a story or something.

I love the moon. I love Scott. Everything is good (thus resulting in this mellow quiet mood i’ve been in lately) I’m in love with the most brilliant, wonderful, sweet, kind, considerate, logical, romantic, caring, loving, hot, foxy, addictive, intoxicating, fabulous, complimentary man ever. I could go on, for pages and pages about how much I think he’s wonderful–

but i’m fairly sure Sukie is vomiting now, so I had better stop.

Derringer Meryl [Loving you is easy because you’re loveable] Out

I’ve been busy working on my psych paper, which i’ve chosen to be on the psychological effects of getting married on a bride.

If any of you married gals would like to give me insight …. ANY OF YOU! seriously, I need more than just my family! I know you’re reading this Scott’s friends. *leers* Email Me if you’re not comfortable leaving a comment. I’d just… I REALLY need your help here. I know that it’s sort notice (since it’s due tomorrow) but send this link to your friends who are married, and your friends send it to their friends. PLEASE?!?

I’d really really appreciate it. I could tell you a story or something if you’ll help me out… please?

I just need to write the paper, and i’m running into dead ends, I need to support it with psychological stuff– and i’m running more on stress.

Is stress psychological? My brain is frying. I have backed up homework that SO needs to be done.

PLEASE please pLeAZe Help me!!

Derringer Meryl [please?] Out

It’s been a bit, hasn’t it? I’ll cover from saturday forward, because– well, that’s the day I remember Last.

I stayed up really late on friday, so waking up on Saturday was hard, but I did it. I did my best to get my homework done…. but i’m a pretty easily distracted person when it comes to homework stuffages. I got most of one of my assignments done, and touched on my essay (draft one due today, not done) i got called into work, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with that. I got home and Care Bear, Scott, and I went down to D&D.

Now, as a precursor to the following, I realize that this was all me. I’m pretty sensitive to moods and stuff, and I mean ….. well, really really sensitive, that’s what I mean. Anyway, i felt like the mojo was off. I asked Scott about it, and he said everything felt normal to him. I can’t quite place it. It seems like something was missing, or something. I was very distracted all night too. *blush* Scott was playing very well too. I’m just not good at all that tactical stuff yet. It’s the same as my basic attack in video games, i’m a hack and slash. I don’t know all the cool moves, and I might never know them…. I just do what seems effective. Anyway, the big deal to me was that it seemed like the mojo was off.

Then I went with Care Bear to her Dorm, and stayed the night there. It was the shortest goodnight ever for Scott and I’s record book. It felt weird. Accompanied by the thoughts of “I can’t wait until we don’t have to say good bye llke this!” Care Bear and I talked until really late (catching up…)

On Sunday Scott fell asleep after I woke him up to come get me. So, we got to listen to some of Conference in the car… 🙂 It was good. I enjoyed conference. Lots about the family. Lots focusing on the duties of married people. I found it to apply greatly to me. Nothing much of consequence happened. I made Scott take a nap, because he was freaky exhausted from the week of staying up late. I know how that is. I feel like I could sleep through everything. *sighs* But alas, I have homework out the wazoo. I got to hang out a lot with Scott’s sisters, which i thought was neat. I love hanging out with Scott’s friends and family. I find that I’m getting to be less Shy Meryl, and more Normal Meryl… which is nice. I don’t particularly like being shy, i just sorta get… well, would it be silly to say …. stage fright? Cause that’s as close as I can think. Everyone is watching you. Wants to know more about you, and I’m just sitting there thinking “What should I say, should I say anything?” and now, Happily, some of that stuff has gone away. Sitting at dinner with Scott’s family is just like sitting to dinner with mine.

Scott Drove me home, he inquired about my mellow mood, and I brought something up, I dont’ really like to bring up…. my exes. I hate talking about them– but I realize that they are part of who I am now. In a way. Each of them (well, okay, a few of them) have changed my life, and Scott should know that they had a role in that. I don’t particularly like to talk about them simply because if Scott ever feels the way I feel about his exes… well, then it’s not his favorite topic either. But I had a few epiphanies about my dating history, and I thought i should share it with him. Then Scott and I covered some pressing details– and then he left, feeling a whole lot better than when he came. 🙂 I’m glad.

Anyway. I have to head to school. Maybe i can cover emotional aspects of this (like do my normal “I feel this way about that.” stuff) later on. Basically, my hands are tied in homework, so maybe not.

Derringer Meryl [Hecktic Homework Rush] Out