Undone

finals are not my friends. while i technically only have like… one final, i have what my loving teachers call “final projects” or “portfolios” and it’s horrid. *gags*

One on monday.

One on Wednesday

One on thursday.

One on Tuesday (a week later)

Sure, it doesn’t sound so bad, but i’m freaking out like there’s no tomorrow, and what not. So– don’t expect many updates. I’m crammin’, trying to find an affordable apartment and a good job. 😛

Derringer Meryl [Fixin’ my nails right now] Out

Today Scott and I are going clothes shopping. It’s a new experience because no one but my mom has ever gone clothes shopping with me, and so no one knows how really picky I am but me.

I hate clothes shopping. I mean…. Okay, i love it, but it’s a sincere love hate relationship. I love the clothes, they hate my body. Especially jeans. I hate shopping for jeans because nothing ever fits. After visiting fifteen stores TRYING to find good jeans that fit, and getting super frustrated in the process, I get really depressed. This is the area I attribute most of my poor self image to come from. I don’t fit in the sizes two to eight category (and I never have, I can guarantee) and I feel fat and gargantuan. Every pair of jeans (cept my trusty Japan jeans) clings to my body and I hate that. It’s like painting on cloth and saying I’m wearing clothes. If i was comfortable enough with my body to wear nothing, I would wear the stupid skin tight jeans.

I’m not comfortable with my body, and ihave to wear a pair. I’m wearing them right now.

I hate these jeans with a passion. Now, the brand is great, i love the store I got them from (mostly because it was the first place ALL day I had found jeans that fit me. as in went up past my thighs fit me.) The thing is, they’re like super low rider jeans, which I hate, and they aren’t long enough because I didn’t realize this brand of jeans came in short, medium and long in addition to the size…. and they’re tight, as I mentioned before. Very very tight. :-S I hate it.I HATE IT SO MUCH!

So, Poor Scott, doesn’t know what he’s getting into by wanting to go find matching outfits (ish) for our engagement pictures.

Oh, and I don’t wear shorts. that just does NOT happen with me. All girls shorts are hot pants. All of them. I do not wear them. I do not wear capris. I’m white as the day is long, and I have disgusting fat legs. i hate them too. :{

Derringer Meryl [Shirts I can find and wear] Out

All sorts of icky acidy goodness filling my stomach.

I’m tired of my job. I mean, I love my job. I’m tired of never working. I haven’t worked since the third of April. That’s sixteen days, and only three of those days I’m unable to work. Okay, Five, if you count tuesdays.

ALL THE SAME. I have a paycheck i’m getting now that is going to be nothing. as in NO money. I feel like pulling my hair out. I hate not working. I hate not having a job, i feel useless and like I’m a mooch. No one ever says it to me, but I do. I feel like a mooch and I”m feeding off of other people. Especially Scott. I feel like I’m really coasting off of his paycheck, and i know it puts a lot of stress on him. Or at least I feel like I put a lot of stress on him. I’m exhausted from feeling like i’m living in two places.

and helpless and insane. I don’t know how to do anything. I don’t know how to pick out a good apartment, I don’t know how to cook very well. i apparently can’t write (according to my teacher) I like to vaccum in skirts, and I bite the skin on the inside of my cheeks. I don’t own a car, I wish I did. I dont’ know how to do anything well enough to make a job of it, with the psycho exception of the alphabet. I know the alphabet, and I know it well enough to be paid an amazingly low amount to put disgusting germy games back in order for four hours a week. No one cares.

and I just sit back and let bad things, like this damn work insanity, happen to me because i have this brain impairment that makes me think “I deserve bad things that happen to me” I dont’ know where it came from. I don’t know why i have it. I just do.

and i feel like my brain is slowly leaking out my ears thanks to everywhere my mind has to be at once. School, and work and wedding plans, after wedding plans…. work and the like. New job, apartment (which i know nothing about finding a good apartment) I’m starting to just … ooze stress.

I was thinking about this quote last night. Scott was saying that he wished that people were more rational about things. It made me think of this: “Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping… …waiting… And though unwanted… …unbidden… it will stir…open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief.It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank… Without passion, we’d be truly dead.”

I believe it. I believe that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Indifference, the lack of passion, is what kills everyone. It’s what makes the rejected weep and neglected children exist. I always used to think that if my Dad hit me, at least i’d know how he felt about me. (not that he ever did, i’m just saying) the not knowing… that’s what kills you. The wondering if it’s true. Floundering between one place and another. Not knowing how someone feels, and then finding that person feels nothing, not good nor bad…. not evoking any sort of emotion in a person can kill you.

Passion: intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction

How can you live without it? I’m not saying you should let your passions rule you (too many people do, thus the STD out break-y non-goodness.) Let them fill you. And show restraint. I’m definitely not saying “Go out and be tempted on purpose! WHEE!” That’d just be stupid. No… Live. Be free. Feel emotions. Be angry when you’re angry, and be sad when you’re sad, and show it when you’re happy. Live in the moment of what you’re feeling. Love it.

Derringer Meryl [Do Not Seek Out Danger] Out

Homework in the morning. isn’t it a beautiful thing?

BLah. I’ll write about the weekend in a day or so. Homework and sleep beckon. *waves to sleep* as well as reading and what not. 🙂

Ta!

I got to see Akira finally. I watched it, and I don’t see what the great big fuss is about. I got a lot of people who said “I Love that Anime, it’s so great.” and a whole lot of people who said “It’s okay, It’s just … wierd.” Whatever. Either way, i could take it or leave it. Berserk blows it out of the water in gore though. The story was kinda hard to follow. I saw all the toys I owned, though one of them didn’t show up until the end. *shrugs*

I got to see Scott tonight, for like three minutes (if that) I went to stalk him at work. (hee hee) He said I should have told him so he could have taken his break at that time. I wanted to surprise him though, and that I did. Plus I wanted to show him that I wasn’t dead. Which brings up the fact that I was pretty sick all day today… or yesterday, depending on how you look at it. Anyway. I had vertigo pretty bad, i had problems walking from my bedroom to the front room. It wasn’t that my legs were weak I just ran into like fourty things from point a to point b. Sometimes it was just one thing several times…. like the wall. And I couldn’t speak. I woke up and had a little bit of a voice, but later I couldn’t speak at all (that was around lunch time) We weren’t sure if it was lack of sleep, or allergies, but I slept from two in the morning to five in the evening in pretty much one solid swoop.

I got to see Care Bear tonight too. She’s gonna be going back to Colorado soon. 🙁 I should make her come up a day early. I want to go Roller Skating with her. I want to go do something fun. Stupid School just seems to get in the way of us doing something fun together. 🙁 I can’t believe that next Wednesday she’ll be gone…. and won’t be back until the week before my wedding! How odd! She’ll be back in the fall (for another year of school) and what not, but i miss her. I want to go do something just us before I get married. Not a wedding shower, which I’m glad she’llbe coming to, but something fun that just we do. I’ve been a jerk lately (since last year?) and dragged someone else along on our fun days. :S Blah. I’m all the sudden disappointing in myself.

I’m a horrid friend sometimes. I’d drag boys along, or other friends, when it should have been just me and Care Bear having a good time. I miss when it was us as kids, and me and her sisters would play dolls or something. I remember we walked to the rec center one day, and it was SO hot. And once we were playing at my house and ordering pretend pizza and her sister wanted stuff crust pizza with marshmellows. And she loves to chase me up and down the aisles of Blockbuster (or Media Play) with Pr0n because she thinks it’s funny that i think it’s dirty. I love her. She’s great. She puts up with my stupid little things. She has stood with me through so much. Like once we liked the same guy, and he actually liked her back (and he didn’t like me) and there could have been a huge fight, and a whole lot of hate…. but There wasn’t. Because we were really open about it, and we’d known each other eight years at that point. I used to practically live at her house. She’s seen me throw up before. I’ve seen her cry. We only went to the same school for one year. We met in the first grade. We’ve flung underwear at each other in GAP body. She’s one of the funniest people I know.

And I sorta feel like a scuz bucket for not being better to her. Of course, i generally feel like a scuz bucket right now because I’m ignoring most of my friends. Like Red, who I emailed the other day, and I haven’t seen anyone from work in ages (missing out on work because of schedule follies…) I miss Guts and The Mouth. In a way i sorta miss Artemis. I miss Gert and Monkey. (Though I saw Monkey at school briefly the other day)

and Oh my Heck, it’s been forever since I talked to Marco!

Derringer Meryl [Feeling a little badly] Out