Undone

I hate dreaming. especially on the medication I’m on. it’s like being awake and asleep blur together, and I’m not sure what has happened. Last night I dreamed I decided to up and leave and go to boston, and my entire family (meaning my parents and brothers and sisters in law) were in favor of this. I remember that I thought it was too cold in Utah, and I apparently thought that Boston was going to be some sort of tropical island. It was bizzare. There were some under currents to the dream that made it increasingly more disturbing, but I choose not to revisit those.

Mom has suggested that I apply for a blogging job. I’m not sure If I’m coherent enough for that, but I figure I should try for it anyway. It’s for a “getting out of debt” blog. I’m not as deep into debt as the average american, but I think I may have an angle that works. Also I’m younger than they’d like, so i’m already fighting on that. Anyway. It’s something I’d like to do. Write for a living. Or I guess, write for money you know? They say writing is like being a prostitute… first you do it for fun, then you do it for those you love, and then you end up doing it for money. HAHA, clever.

As I mentioned I was reading through my writings from college. I find myself just staring at them a little. I want to write more. I find myself struggling with expressing the images in my head. They are beautiful, and breath taking. Vivid and enthralling. Sometimes, they are just scary. Mostly… mostly just beautiful. Sometimes i read what I write and I try to remember what I was feeling, but can’t. 🙁 It’s sad for me. I want to recapture things like that… I was very depressed in high school, but I had passion. I felt like the sun was on the horizon, that the darkest hour was right before dawn.

Now I feel like I’ve shut myself in the closet and shut out the light. On many, very real levels, I hate myself. I do not think I deserve things. I don’t deserve to be happy. I am a thing to make people happy. I literally do not consider myself to be human. I dont’ know why… I don’t know why I’m like this. But it’s damaging. It’s a horrible way to live, it’s a horrible way to think. I feel like by not saying it for so long I’ve allowed myself to really believe it. Why i’ve deprived myself of so much. I have been thinking myself a healthy person when I’m not. No worries my friends and family. I am currently on medication, that clearly (unfortunately) is not working well, but monday I”ll discuss it with the doctor, and we’ll try again. I do not believe that depression is something to be ashamed of. I am always saddened when I find out someone has been silently struggling. I want to help people, I want people to see me and know I’ve been there too. Feeling like there is NO reason to be sad, but still hopelessly sinking into a dark hole. Wishing you were dead, just so you wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore. I have been (and I am) Suffering from a Major Depressive Episode. It is HARD for me to be out there, but the fact is, i don’t have anyone to pull me out like I did in High School. As much as my husband loves me (and he does) he cannot spend every minute of the day plotting on how to cheer me up. I know my mom worked really hard when I was in high school, trying to keep me on an even kilter. It was rough on her. I’m sure of it. I had good friends that helped her too. I feel sad that I’ve regressed so much to that girl.  In some ways, I am worse. Luckily for me, I haven’t thrown up from the stress, which I did in High school a couple of times. I miss the luxury of being a teenager. When you could just shut the world out. Go home and stay in your room and cry if you wanted to. Funny thing, you can’t do that when you’re an adult. You cant’ just say “Sorry I’m not coming to work today, or for the next week. I’m going to sit in my bed and eat food until I feel better, or until my skin becomes part of my sheets. Don’t dare me, I’ll do it.” Or for that matter, stay in bed because you feel so catatonic that the idea of talking to anyone at all seems impossible.

New to this bout of depression is Paranoia. (Funny Enough, Flag Pole Sitta is playing in the background right now) I’ve been… attentive before to protecting myself. But I have paranoid delusions. That people are talking about me. That people want to kill me, even people I should trust. Scott would say I’m being over dramatic. I am not. I fear it. It consumes my thoughts. i think about it a lot more than I would consider natural.

Anyway, going to go to bed. I have a nice weekend laid out for me… whoo!

Derringer Meryl [nice relaxing weekend] Out

or maybe I’m turning the page….
I crave closure. Not having it, drives me a little crazy. It’s just a lesson of not having what you want I guess. Today was my first day turning a completely new page. I thought a lot about it. I feel like it’s all completely inexplicable. I’ve been here before. I wonder why I can’t eek out the words I want to say. Why I can’t peek inside myself to see what is making me destructive like this. It’s very depressing. I am normally very in touch with my emotions, and lately I have been shocking myself, things out of left field, things very unlike myself are beginning to surface, and I wonder why. I try and peer inside to see where this is all coming from, and I am lost.I have been feeling for months that I didn’t know who I was anymore, but it seems to have really came to a head recently.

I once wrote something for my english class, I’ll have to dig it up. It was all about who I was. I wonder how much of it’s true. I’m going to go search for it… I’ll update again when I find it. 😉

ETA: apparently my files are hidden, but I’m reading my teacher’s notes from college about my work, and now that i”m older and less “I know everything about writing, because I write all day all the time, and I’m the awesome-est writer ever” I’m thinking her advice is good. I want to start tinkering with my old poems again. I have over 300 poems. I kept nearly everything I’ve ever written, I submitted it for a lot of critique, I didn’t write much in college, because I could just re-use what I wrote in High School. And people were a lot more honest. I want to work on it again. I want my 300 little babies to be published.. in a real book. I want to be a real poet. I”m not Maya Angelou or anything, but I’d love to write and have people read it. Maybe I’ll self-publish and send one to Oprah 😉

Derringer Meryl {Mission: Find Meryl} Out

I keep thinking about recent events in my life, I will say this month (now it’s almost over) has really been one of the worst ever for me. Which considering good and happy things happened this month, makes it sad really. I’m quite happy that Pepper was born this month. Little pepper, and her cuteness. 🙂

People, in general, think they are special. This isn’t true, not really. I mean you’re unique, but even that uniqueness is not that unique since everyone else is unique too. But just because you’re unique doesn’t mean things won’t still happen to you in the same patented way they do to everyone else. I guess I’m saying, you’re not the exception, you’re the rule. Somehow people (and i include myself here) think “Sure, that’s how it was for someone else, but i”m going to be able to do this, and nothing bad will happen.” They stare the universe in the face and say “I’m going to do what I want, and this will be the outcome.” Which is funny. We think we get to chose what happens when we jump off a cliff, you’re not going to walk safely down like there are stairs, you’re going to fall dummy.

And some people stand on the edge of a cliff, knowing if they step out, that they will fall, and they will crash, and there will be pain… but they want to feel the fall. For some sort of rush… It can’t be explained. People think, that they can walk the line, walk a tight rope, and not fall to their deaths. And sure there are people who can. Most people are not those people.

this month, I learned (yet again) to not stare the universe in the face and tell it what to do. It won’t listen, and you’ll end up being taught that in a painful way. You can only choose your consequences by choosing your actions.
Derringer Meryl [I keep my eyes wide open all the time] Out

here again.

Sorry these titles just pop into my head as i start blogging.

Life has been hectic. Amazing and horrible.  Mostly the second one, but as of yesterday (being friday, not Saturday) I have started to feel a lot better. I don’t think it’s my medication, I think I have just… let go. I have a hard time remembering to not take on more than I should. That no one (but myself usually) expects me to be perfect and to do all these amazing/wonderful things and … I over extend myself a lot, which causes problems in any situation.
I would say “don’t worry about me” but that is a stupid thing to say. So i guess something better to say is, Thank you for worrying about me. I appreciate it. I realize that I’m very dramatic, and it’s hard for me to simply say the things I need to, but… I am trying to be a happier person, and to find some peace within myself. I also plan on going to the doctor in the next few weeks to discuss my medication. The side effects and it’s lack of improvement in me, is enough for me to want to kick it to the curb and get back to Zoloft. I’m not nursing anymore, so why not? At least I’ll be on something that works again!

Since church is at 9 am, I should probably sleep (Audrey too, she’s Scooting now, and has scooted herself from the main part of our basement over to where our computer is. Little butt scooter. She’s a dear heart.

I love that she has the name she does. it just seems like such an optimistic name for such a happy light hearted girl.

Derringer Meryl [scooting] out

That I started depression medication? Maybe I did. LOL One of the side effects of the med is that you can’t remember fact from fiction. It’s quite annoying. there are things in the past few months that I can’t remember if I really did them or not, or if I just through I did it. It’s … FRUSTRATING. I dont’ like the medicine too much, I don’t really feel like it’s helping. I just need to find the time to go to my doctor and get adjusted, or just get a new medicine. Since I feel pretty much the same as I did before if not worse.

depression is the damndest thing. Nothing interests me much anymore. I look back over my hobbies and think “ugh. I don’t wanna” and I also think “I only was doing that for someone else”

I’ve come to realize that I’m the kind of person that lives her life for other people. Quite frankly I would have been done with this Popsicle stand a long time ago if not for 1) the fact that killing yourself is wrong and 2) people don’t want me to. I do still have times where I forget (sorry for being morbid here people) that people don’t want me to. That people would be sad. That’s the dementia that comes along with depression. You can’t understand or see anything clearly. It’s like looking at the world from really strong prescription glasses(when you have no need for the prescription) Nothing seems to make sense. I am sorry if I’m a bring me down here. I like to speak frankly and honestly about my depression. It weighs on me, and i prefer not to be silent. I have had a hard time this time. Most people probably don’t know that this bout has been nearly 2 years for me. It’s been bad. it has been hard for me to be away from my kids, and when I am with them, I can only think “oh I’ll have to leave again tomorrow” (for work) and sometimes I think they’d be better off without me. I know it’s not true, but… Once again, delusional.

I miss going to the theatre. I am watching the Scarlet Pimpernel on the TV currently and I am looking forward to 110 in the shade and The Scarlet Pimpernel coming to Hale Center Theatre down here. I have never seen 110 in the shade before, but I want to, very much. I have only seen the TV movie of The Scarlet Pimpernel, not the musical, but I look forward to it. 😉 Sink me!

Sir Ian McKellen, you were a handsome Youngman!! 😉

Katie scratched her eye today with my old sunglasses. I feel bad. I was looking at fabric and she was rifling through my purse, and she has been crying ever since. She did get a new pony and some candy out of it. But she’s been a very good girl today, considering that I was not up to being a very active mommy.

Did I mention that Audrey said her first word? YES!  the first weekend of April, she said Mama. I have witnesses. Ok, one witness, but it was my dad, so there you go. The next weekend she said “Dada” so I am quite pleased. No random object realization for her, it’s Mom and dad! 🙂 She is full on Scooting now. which is adorable. And a little annoying, We’d prefer her to crawl, but I doubt if it should happen at this point.

Derringer Meryl [Sweet Thang] Out