Undone

I figured I’d post a real entry, instead of just lyrics to how i was feeling.

I bought the Our Lady Peace CD today. It’s called Gravity. I have fallen in love, how sad.

Some people might be confused at that statement… I can’t blame them, tv glorified the idea. I fell in love with love at a young age because of movies like Cinderella and Snow White. I spent my Elementary years looking for my Prince Charming, when I should have focused on more important things like…. Umm… Subtraction and what not.

I wanted so bad to be happy. I wanted to live in my own little castle, with my husband, and leave my house.

That hasn’t changed, I still yearn to leave my house.

I suppose that’s sad. I know I have it great here. I know that my parents love me, but that doesn’t mean i can deny the abusive tenancies…. that surround my childhood and life today. It’s not something I want to focus on, but the sooner I find that fetching prince the better. He’ll be my one way ticket out of here.

Sure that wasn’t what Cinderella was thinking when she went to the ball, but you can’t tell me she didn’t want to leave her home.

My head is light, and my eyes are heavy. I don’t want to sleep though, i know what i’ll dream about and it’s not something i’m really looking forward to. It hurts to dream. No I take that back, it doesn’t hurt to dream it hurts to wake up from the dream. It aches in my body to shake myself from the nightly delusions of splendor to the drab appearance of reality.

It saddens me. Everything does. Even things that once made me happy. all that makes me happy now is reading stories and watching movies.

I was never an active girl, so it’s okay with me that i literally fry in the sun.

OHHHH i’m sure you think that’s a joke, that i don’t really fry in the sun. Well here’s a reality check, I do. I would die if i spent more than three hours in the sun. Okay, Die is an exaggeration. I’d get deathly ill, and if it wasn’t taken care of quickly, THEN i’d die. So the whole basking in the sunlight with my love, is dashed all to hell.

I wouldn’t mind spending time in the sun with someone I really loved. I mean, Really really really loved. Someone who was persistent enough in their love of me, they’d make sure I’d get water, even though I’m a ditz. They’d watch me drink it…. make sure i was okay.

They’d hold my hand in the shade when I got dizzy.

Enough of that. I really don’t feel like imagining scenes that will never happen. Not with HIM nor with anyone.

No one makes me feel complete. Not yet anyway. They make me feel nice, and stuff… but not… complete.

I want to be complete. I feel like I’m walking around with half my mind in another body. I want to have someone finish my sentences, and not feel all funny and stupid about it after wards.

Did I mention I have a vivid imagination? I can see these scenes in my head. I can see them play out, and I can almost feel the breeze on my face, and my hair lightly moving around my face…… leaning against a large tree in a park, as I watch them play…. they’re playing Horse… You know the basketball game where you spell out horse, I never understood that game.

I want someone to remove the imagination portion of my brain. If you can do that, Please…. email me.

Derringer Meryl [Thought that I was going crazy] Out

(*+=Pancakes taste good with Gardinias=+*)

My heart aches when i hear this song. It’s his favorite band, or group, or whatever.

It reminds me of him, and that’s what hurts. I’m going to make a CD of all the songs that remind me of him, and then– then listen to it all day, and all night, and get him out of me.

Last time I talked to you,

you were lonely and out of place.

You were looking down on me,

lost out in space.

Laid underneath the stars,

strung out and feeling brave.

Watch the riddles glow,

watch them float away.

Down here in the atmosphere,

garbage and city lights,

you gotta save your tired soul,

you gotta save our lives.

Turn on the radio,

to find you on sattellite,

I’m waiting for the sky to fall,

I’m waiting for a sign.

All we are is all so far.

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

Hope you remember me,

when you’re homesick and need a change.

I miss your purple hair,

I miss the way you taste.

I know you’ll come back someday,

on a bed of nails awake.

I’m praying that you don’t burn out,

or fade away.

All we are is all so far

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there, oh.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity….

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling back to me,

the star that I can’t see.

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling out of reach,

defying gravity,

I know you’re out there,

somewhere out there.

You’re falling back to me.

Well I know,

I know.

You’re falling out of reach.

I know…

Derringer Meryl [Pathetic as usual] Out

I think this describes last night at work, well to a tee. I can’t help it, it’s so true.

It took me by surprise

When I saw you standing there

Close enough to touch

Breathing the same air

You asked me how I’d been

I guess that’s when

I smiled and said just fine

Oh but baby I was lying

CHORUS:

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

I miss you more each day

There’s not a night

I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

That’s what I really meant to say

And as you walked away

The echo of my words

Cut just like a knife

Cut so deep it hurt

I held back the tears

Held on to my pride

And watched you go

I wonder if you’ll ever know

What I really meant to say

Is I’m dying here inside

I miss you more each day

There’s not a night

I haven’t cried

And baby here’s the truth

I’m still in love with you

That’s what I really meant to say

What I really meant to say

Is I’m really not that strong

No matter how I try

I’m still holding on

And here’s the honest truth

I’m still in love with you

That’s what I really meant to say

What I really meant to say By Cyndi Thomson.

I sang that to myself all night… *sigh* I’m just hopeless I guess.

I thought I’d post, I usually post after work, and since I can’t sleep, I thought I better.

I ache everywhere. My ankles, my knees, and my poor hips.

Ouch.

I had a good time at work today, dispite how slow it was, I got to work with a lot of people (as in co-worker people) and I got to talk to a nice guy. He’s a regular, anime-guy I’ll call him, because he’s the anime-guy, and he knows practically everything. He’s very sweet, and not so shallow like the other guys. Very rare.

We’re training an MIT (Manager In Training) and she’s very nice. I got some extra hours cause I was a good little girl, and I can pout with the best of them. 🙂 Trust me, no one can say no to my pouty face, not even… umm I dunno the Pope.

Nope, he couldn’t, he’d let me get away with… a lot of bad stuff, and I’d pout and get out of it.

I’ve been all shakey today. I hate that. Shakey shakey. Oh and I found out that I may be (Very high possibility) lactose intolerant. I think thats how you spell it… anyway. That sorta isn’t too fun because I love my Ben and Jerry’s. I don’t know what i’ll do when i get all sad–

I can’t have my B&J’s. *sobs*

You can never be too rich or too….

Thin, the blood has run out

Fangs ruin any cute pout

Morning has come now they’ve flown

What have you learned from what has been shown?

I love that song Translyvanian Concubine By Rasputina and Manson. I don’t listen to Manson much, but this song, is one of my favorites. Well it is now. I love that. I love how i can change favorite songs. Last week it was Sometimes it Hurts and this week it’s Translyvanian Concubine. I love music. All kinds

My best friend is moving in… did I tell you that all ready? more than likely yes. my room is all ready for her, but it feels all odd without her there, just cause there’s a large space for her bed, and no — her! 🙂 I miss her.

dare I say I’m possibly the most tired person in the world, who cannot sleep. Okay so I take that back, cause i’m sure there’s amother out there who has lost her daughter or ahh something like that.

That’s sad. No more sad. I like happy.

There’s something I never thought i’d say. I like happy. I like happy thoughts and happy things. For the most part, well no. People might think Vampires are sad things, but I am happy when I think of vampires, so I like happy things like vampires. so ha! my brain is slowly decaying. Bye bye brain…. lol

The things that make me happy, might make someone else sad. like… chocolate. that might make some girl who can’t eat it sad. right? I’m sure. >_<;; I’m slowly falling asleep at the computer.

Bad Idea.

I just want to write a lot and make my entry long. I miss making long entries. It’s something I enjoy.

All the things that form their lives, but they’re….

Dead, their sighs, their songs

They know what they do is wrong

*sigh* I suppose I should go for now. I’m so right out tired. I should take some tylenol…

Derringer Meryl [Translyvanian Concubine] Out

I worked

I worked well.

I worked like the moron I am.

I got HIM a cd he had lost. Well correction, I burned him a CD that he had lost. In anycase, I got it for him, he’s probably listening to it right now. He was very greatful for it. I was happy to make him happy. I wish I was happier.

Want a happy-o-meter? I’m indulging in Ben and Jerry’s. I”m not sure, but I htink I may be lactose intolerant, but I’m just addicted to my B&J’s, and I just don’t care. I don’t care if it makes my tummy go into knots every time I eat it.

Oh well. Cause i’m just screwed. No one wants to talk to me about HIM anymore. They say i talk too much about him. It’s more than likely true.

Painfully true.

SO I hate myself for it. I hate myself because I know nothing can happen because I’m a good girl, and he’s a good guy, and I’m … practically five. That’s what it feels like anyway. I wish I just felt older. That’s a justified wish, right?

I’m supposed to go to bed at a decent hour so I can get up and ready my room (ie clean) for my friend. She’s moving in with me, and I need to get it ready for her to live in. I have to box up some stuff, and I have to put some of it in storage.

It’s all good. It’s a price I’m ready and willing to pay. I just need to keep cleaning.

Derringer Meryl [Sometimes I wish I was stronger] Out