Undone

Balance. I demand BALANCE!!

I was at work tonight. Talking to a co-worker friend of mine. Mostly about my relationships, and how apparently the entire state is on crack. I asked the guy I was raving on about in here out on a date. He said no (Of course, what else do you expect from me?) and once again added to the trama that is me. 🙁 Blah.

The whole balance thing. Well my friend was taunting me– about my whole deal with the guy who turned me down, and how i wouldn’t mind even being a controller in his hand, because I’d be near him. My friend of course had to take that all wrong. And THen I started listening to music from this total cutie from another state– he’s romantic and sweet and

Everything I want

Everything I need

Everything Inside of me

That I wish I could be–

but– the thing is, I don’t know. I don’t even know how to say it. I think there needs to be an equal balance of passion and romance. It doesn’t matter how much romance there is, if there isn’t any passion it makes it sap. If all you have is passion and no romance, you might as well be screwing a giggalo. So do you understand? The need for balance.

I’m not against telling someone they are beautiful, or opening doors, or sending flowers– But the passion– the feeling that you can’t breath when you’re around them. That their touch makes you want to die inside– That’s what I need. Both. I guess I’m too demanding.

It’s hard to do that. Find a balance. I’m not sure which I need more. At this point– The passion. The Lack of passion in my life is despicable… as well as completely disgusting. *sighs*

My friend asked me if (very embarrassed he was) I was in need of a good shag. I pled the fifth- I still do. Not because necessarily I do, but I know for a matter of fact I need a little passion. *Pouts*

Derringer Meryl [Music Gets the Best Of Me] Out

I don’t know what to feel anymore.

It’s like the stress and the anger– I guess everything about emotions get more and more confusing as you get older. And admittedly, I’m rather mature for my age, I got accused of being a mother yesterday. It wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences, and it makes me think about re-evaluating the way I dress.

Not to mention I haven’t gotten my silly Power point presentation for Literary Magazine done yet. It needs sounds and what not. *gags* I don’t want to complain but– I’m a little tired of having to do all of this. Transitions, sounds, and animations.

Really, This is getting annoying.

AND

I’m fairly sure Microsoft is intent on making me pay for their fetching product. *shakes her fist* I don’t want to pay over $100 for something I”m only going to use once. I don’t think it’s fair, I don’t think it’s right. I hope Bill Gates and his little henchmen get a nice big kharmatic kick in the butt.

I’ve reached another new dilemma. My schedule has been toned down to 3.5 hours per week. (for the last two weeks) Not only is this LESS than part time it also happens to be illegal in this state. The extra shibby thing is that I’m the only one getting screwed. My two other co-workers are getting seven and eight hours. And what am I supposed to do? I mean you have to understand that I’m an anti-confrontation person. I don’t like demanding things. I’m not good at it. I’m not good at much actually.

But c’mon, three and a half hours? That’s jacked especially since everyone else is getting more. *pouts* this is crap.

Down with Management!!!

Down with Microsoft!!

Down wtih Homework!

the story of me is a long and confusing one.

I freely admit that. It’s at least a novel, and it wouldn’t make much sense. Well– unless you wear tinfoil hats worried that the aliens will steal your brainwaves, but i’m getting off the subject here.

Which is how screwed up I am. Now, I’m not beat on or anything (at least not that I can remember….) and while traumatic things have happened to me, I can honestly and fully say, I have not had it SO bad in life. The thing is, not what happens to you, but how you handle it. I don’t know if i’ve mentioned that before in here, but that’s the key to life. Not how you act so much to how you react. This guy I was listening to said it this way:

“Through your life you may run into some real bastards and they’ll take you for a ride, but all of that doesn’t matter. What matters is not how they act, but how you react.”

and that’s totally true. *nods* I may not have had the short end of the stick and I can greatfully say that I have never been raped in my life, or physically abused by my loved ones. While other types of abuse have been practiced on me (mainly by the general unloving public) I never understood it’s not how bad of a life you’ve had, it’s what you’ve done with the experience.

That’s the key to how screwed up I am. I pickled my crap. Yes I freely admit (once again) I have pickled crap. I took everything that ever bothered me and I stuffed into a jar and let it set until it hurt so much. Blah. this had a point.

The thing is– this will hand you the laugh of your life– all goes back to this guy I like. Not the same I guy I ranted forever about. He’s a doll, and a wonderful guy, and he’ll make a wonderful husband to some very lucky girl. I guess I finally accepted it wasn’t me. *shrugs* I may have a thick skull, but I’ve seen thicker.

I haven’t liked him forever, just since I met him. It was like, take your breath away charisma. *sighs* hard to describe. It’s like– in my Big Fat Greek Wedding when the guy says that his life was dull before he met Toula. I wouldn’t go so far as that…. *blinks*

It’s an extreme statement. I do not negate it. Basically, he makes me excited about living and doing things, and writing, and makes me want to talk, not just listen. So vibrant and alive– funny and sensitive, and very very friendly.

I openly admit that I was very light headed the first time I met him. Still when I talk to him, it’s like some kind of out of body experience.

and I sound like some fan girl drooling over the latest boy band. *gags*

and yet– it seems like something special, in a very real way. Almost– magical.

Derringer Meryl [Sappy Me] Out

I know i say this a lot but…. I’m tired

Yeah, I know you know. But I have a lot on my plate right now, and You’re lucky I’m not screaming.

Not that you could hear.

Blah. I have the front cover of the LIT MAG (Buy it lest I murder you) as well as making at LEAST 100 As Seen On TV tifs, editing a picture my brother drew, my regular class responsibilities, a job, and two AP tests, A chemistry test, and 15 assignments I have to turn in. I haven’t done my Video for my power point presentation because no video editing software seems to like me– at all. I have five more pages of my personal literary magazine to write, and no title that seems to fit it at all. I know I’m a whiner, but you would have NO idea the stress I’m under.

Really.

I need some Maalox.

Meryl [Nothing Snappy] Out

Finally.

After days and days of waiting to put an entry in here… I finally get to place an entry, so I better make it a doozy.

Right then.

I finally got to watch the Episode of Buffy called Lies My Parents Told Me and I happened to love it! Just like I thought I would…. I finally found out the name of the song that triggers Spike… *sighs* I am so happy, and I am currently downloading every copy of it I can find (by various singers)

Early One morning

Early one morning,

Just as the sun was rising,

I heard a maid sing,

In the valley below.

O, don’t deceive me,

O, never leave me,

How could you use

A poor maiden so?

Remember the vows,

That you made to your Mary,

Remember the bower,

Where you vowed to be true,

O, don’t deceive me,

O, never leave me,

How could you use

A poor maiden so?

Thus sang the poor maiden,

Her sorrows bewailing,

Thus sang the poor maid,

In the valley below.

O, don’t deceive me,

O, never leave me,

How could you use

A poor maiden so?

I LOVE it. Just because … because it’s useless trivia, and …. It sounds nice.

It’s haunting. Really. I think you’d have to hear it yourself to understand quite what i mean…

What else is really exciting?

Hm– Well despite my best intentions– I have done NO homework all weekend. Besides the fact that i’m fairly sure that Microsoft is the devil. I can’t even properly down– uhh… throw down.. their …. programs… right.

No– I feel that Microsoft charges TOO much for their HELL SPAWN (other wise known as Software), I mean $100 for a program like power point? What are my possibilities here? Um….

1- Do my work at school, where the computers suck and the mice are screwed up, and I can’t get on the internet, because half of the websites I go to that AREN’T porn come up saying they are. I mean c’mon. I’m not even allowed to do a fetching Google search.

2-Buy the software. Swallow my pride, chuck my money down the drain, because this one MASSIVE project is the only time I’m going to use it.

3- Pirate it. Simple, quick, free, and Microsoft will never taste any of my sweet sweet virgin money. Down with Microsoft!!

I know. I’m evil. I”m pretty sure I”m supporting communism… but you wanna know what? Bill Gates is making a good deal off of my school. I”m just going to pirate it for two weeks, then it’s delete-issamo. I don’t want it on my computer for ever!

Raspberries.

Flame me with Pirate-hate.

Arg

Derringer Meryl [Oh How could you use a poor microsoft so] Out