Undone

More about WCI, just because i was in a hurry before, like a total prat, i didn’t explain where it is, and what not, and why i’dbe going there.

Okay. *sighs* The Culinary (Baking and Pastry in specifics) arts isn’t my first choice in what i wanted to be when i grew up. In fact, it never even came into mind. But more recently, i’ve been a baking fiend. I cook for my co-workers, I cook for their roomates, and i love it. I love to have people eat things i’ve cooked and say it’s good. IT’s a barrel of warm fuzzies, without the hand-holding goodness. Anyway, I want to learn how to do it better, baking and what not that is. Breads, cakes, cookies, the lot. If you can make it in an oven, i want to do it. I’m sorta scared of stoves, so i shy away from that. Heh.

WCI is in Oregon. I can hear Red screaming “OREGON! THAT’S FREAKING ALL THE WAY !!” and so on… but the thing is, they have another branch of the same place in Nevada, and one in Arizona. So I could go more, southernly, and stay near her, 😉

Red should remember that I love her the way she is, and that she doesn’t have to listen to the hellish choir that she is forced to hang out with, she means tons to me, and if she went any further south, i’d cry.

Derringer Meryl [Spike-Obsession] Out

I did it. I finally sent my name into WCI, that is, The Western Culinary Institute. Part of me, despises the idea. I guess that’s why i was so hesitant– because Cooking (with flames and all) doesn’t float my boat. I want to shove some cookies in the oven, and call it good.

anyway, angel– good… must go watch

*eyes glaze over* You know that feeling, where it feels like things are okay? School is good, friends are good, relationships in the romance area are good, everything is good–? That feeling is the best ever.

I’m NO where near that feeling. I realized that i’m going to school tonight for the first time in … *thinks* three weeks or so? I don’t really want to go back– i don’t fit in there, and being there makes my butt go numb. Blah. Then There’s Red, who i’m almost convinced is dead. [half-smile] How rude of her not to call and tellme she’s dead.[/lame joke] and i just got on my instant messenger, only to see that Monkey doesn’t seem to be feeling well either. I’m not sure, as we don’t talk very often anymore, but part of me wishes that i could get my guts in a pile and call and ask him how he is. *whispers* i just don’t want to be intrusive. Or rude, or anything.

I just want to be friendly, and i’ve come to the realization that i suck ass at being friendly. I’m overbearing in my friendly-ness and thus, it scares people. I’m like the church-lady who calls and asks you to come to church, but you look at the caller id and hide, like actually physically hide because you feel that somehow she can see you through the phonelines…..

I might be exaggerating, but i’m not sure. Anyway. I’m a worry wart, I get stomach aches from worry, but if i didn’t have my friends to worry about, then i’d worry about stupid things. I worry about Marco, Red, Monkey, Frienjamin, Dateless, Gert, Artemis, …. hell, sometimes i even take the time to worry about the annoying animeboi. I worry about my family, that everyone is doing okay, that their marriages are working out okay, that my brother doesn’t have a job, and i figure that makes him feel pretty down. I worry about interactions between my Dad and my ‘twin’ because they dont’ get a long at all.

I worry about germs, and how they can get into your body– i worry about having enough money, about what my parents think of my lack of direction… and what not. It’s exhausting, to worry about it all. But I don’t let it overwhelm me. I see worrying, as a sign of love. Worry=Care. I care about people, so I worry about them. Are they happy, are they sick, are they dating someone new? It’s not obsession, it’s love.

Derringer Meryl [piling some guts, EMAIL] Out

2003-10-08 – 12:52 a.m.

Okay, i’ve tried to hide it, amid my other shames, but i cannot hide it anymore.

I love sappy romance Novels. I hate it, it’s embarrassing, i know it. Obviously i wouldn’t have hidden it if it wasnt’ so embarrassing to me. My favorite series of all time is the Sea Series, Written By Jean Ferris. She’s [?] an amazing author. (If it’s a guy, thne it’s more amazing, and then one has to wonder, with how well he writes, he must be gayer than all hell.) There are three books in the series, and in the end, the last has to be my favorite (think about it, it’s really the climax of any trilogy) But just so you know the first one is called Into the Wind, Song of the Sea, and Weather the Storm I’m sure that on the outside they look like any other lonely girl special, that is rippling biceps and supple breasts… yada yada yada. Not really. Very action Packed…. with some of that yummy guy imagery (since it is written from the girl’s POV, she very rarely, if ever, refers to her breasts or anything like that….) so yeah.

Here’s the basic layout. The guy who rescues her is a complete JERK (I wanted to put another word there, but prudence tells me not to…) he sets her workplace on fire, kills her dad, and *cough* rescues her from her dull life. Sure she’s gotten into something more exciting, but sheesh. … To complicate things, she, like most girls, falls in love with the freakish jerk. (Don’t get me wrong, he’s one foxy good kissin’ freakish jerk, but jerk all the same. we can’t ignore that fact.) I mostly get to read the second book (it’s fairly awesome) but while it has more action than the last, it’s certainly not as happy.

*shifty eyes* This is where it gets sad, i have to admit that I, the high and mighty AP English student, has been reading these for quite a while. *coughs* it gets worse, these books are intended for ninth graders, and considering i’m a freshman in college, it makes me sound– really really uber pathetic. *frowns* but it’s like a tradition. I read these books through my first messy break up (and yeah, it was messy because i cling. I admit that.) and so i just want to get my own copies so i can read them through all my future break ups, and then someday give them to my daughter so she can read them through her break ups.

I was watching Inu Yasha again. I know, again with the crazy, but it’s like a romance movie in action. Girl loves Dog Boy, Dog boy loves girl, Dog Boy and Girl believe they are betrayed by one another, Girl dies, girl gets re-incarnated into very pretty girl, Pretty girl enters Dog Boy’s Life, Dog Boy is confused but slightly turned on. *shrugs* See, Drama. I enjoy it. ANyway, they were talking about how it was shameful how Inu Yasha (Dog Boy) and Kikyo (girl) had fallen in love, which reminded me of the saying…

You don’t choose who you fall in love with — you just fall.

which for those of you who are keeping score is from my *coughs* Mexico story I was reading at school that one time. *winks* Love is Love, no matter how you look at it. It isn’t always healthy. It isn’t always right, but it’s always love. (Becareful, Lust looks a lot like it, just — hussied up a little, ya know?)

*sweatdrop* Have you ever tried to get something out of your mind, some… *shakes her head* and it just won’t get out? Like take a song for instance, you just think of another song, right? But what if you don’t want to. You love that song being stuck in your head…. Like on Friday I had only one portion of The Postal Service’s, Nothing Better, stuck in my head, all day. I’m not even joking. I had my CD player, and I considered turning it on, listening to some tunes, and getting it out, by any means possible, but it just occurred to me, that i like it there.

and i guess if i like something being stuck in my head, i should probably shut the hell up about it, ne? *smirks* I’ll just have to remember that. won’t i?

I trust everyone. It’s the devil inside the person I don’t trust

Derringer Meryl [ignoring the devil] Out

your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

How true. I hate how i keep doing that. How it goes over and over again in my mind– how i messed it all up– God, i suppose the worst thing is not knowing, if i could have fixed this at all. If I could have had a happier experience, if i had just done one thing, instead of the other. If I hadn’t been so polite to let someone go first and demanded that i went first. What if…. what if…. what if. I’m the what if queen. I guess I spend too much of my time living in unresolved pasts, that don’t, and never will, exist. How sad. To waste your life away wondering what could have been, I hate myself for it. But i suppose that’s nothing new. I only love myself when someone tells me to…

And all this time i’ve been a liar, I always told myself I wasn’t J’s dolly, for him to fling around. For him to make a fool of, to laugh at, to hug then hurt, I told him that. That I wasn’t for him to hurt. I was lying then. I am a dolly. I’m someone you’re supposed to play with, toy with my little heart to see the reactions, then when you’re bored, throw me away for a new one… That’s the way it goes. And I try so hard to say “I am woman, hear me roar! I have power! I am a Person! You must listen to me!” What lies. I say them to myself, and no one else….

I stopped taking my medication after Graduation– probably because i was on such a natural high. I was involved, I was free of what was dragging me down, and i was free to do what I want. Free…. *laughs* Yeah. I guess i didn’t need pills. I was so happy. I had what I wanted, what i needed. I was so careless to let it slip through my fingers. What a Prat I am. *sighs*

Right, enough of that. I’m sure you’re very tired of hearing me whine, i’m fairly sure everyone is. That’s all i do anymore anyway. See?? There I go again.

I don’t fit in with my family, i don’t fit in with my co-workers, i don’t fit in anywhere. Blah. The world seems bleak. I need something that is bright and shiny to look at, so i can smile again.

I need to get out of this damned town, and away from all of the memories it holds.

Derringer Meryl [Trapped with no light] Out