Undone

2003-10-15 – 1:02 a.m.

Up late, i know, Shame on me. YOu can beat me with a ruler later on, okay? Blah, I was just watching a little Love Hina in the form of a AMV (anime music video) to the song “I’m like Yeah, but she’s all no” It’s really good… 🙂

and i admit, i’m the typical girl, who watches Love Hina and says “Where The Hell is my Keitaro? Why doesn’t anyone love me enough that i beat them to a pulp and they still love me?” (Whether that beating is emotional or physical, doesn’t really matter in this case.) Then I think about it, how many Keitaro’s have i chased off by my abrasive words and actions, HELL attitude?

This is where the inner war starts… Good Me, Evil Me

Anyone would run away from the way you act. The way you act is completely condescending to the ‘Keitaro’ type. You’re rude, and you stop their advances before they even start.

But what is a ‘Keitaro’ boy without his ‘Naru’ Girl? Nothing? That’s the true test of his love, will he stand her abrasive attitude towards him because of his feelings for her.

Abrasive attitude? Excuse me, we like to call that abuse.

Good for you. In the end, Keitaro ends up with the girl who was just scared of her feelings, that’s why she was being rude to him. Besides, it’s not abusive, it’s self defense mechanisms. Naru is protecting herself from a particularly emotionally painful situation. That’s all.

I see. So what your saying, is that if a person has certain pre-set reactions to certain behaviors, it’s okay if it becomes abusive?

Shall we look up the word abuse? *coughs and pulls her Dictionary out* “Abuse: improper or excessive use or treatment.” Protecting yourself from what you precieve to be a dangerous situation is not abuse. She does not take advantage of the fact that he loves her– except that one time she made him spend all of his money– but that was because he asked her on a date, and then didn’t want to buy lunch…

Uh-Huh, Right, except that one time, she invited him into her room, and then punched him out.

His PANTS were around his legs. IT was sheer coincidence on his part, but still, threatening situation for Naru, and she reacted accordingly. As you are by protecting yourself from men. You know what they want. You’ve seen it before– it’s okay to protect yourself from what you perceive to be a bad situation….

Whatever. You’re on Crack.

I know I’m right.

Who would have thought it– the devil won again! 😀

Derringer Meryl [superiors all around] Out

…it was fun for what it was worth…

is that all that can be said for life? that it was fun for all that it was worth? I really don’t think so. I think that drinking and sleeping around (no offense to Mayer, who said this) is what life is all about. Sure. people do it. but i think life is all about love. Not free love, and lust and all that… Dont’ get me wrong, passion is a great thing… after all what Angel says about Passion, is more than true:

“Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping… …waiting… And though unwanted… …unbidden… it will stir…open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank… Without passion, we’d be truly dead.”

truly dead. How horrid. Isn’t it amazing though, how many of us walk through life, living, but not alive. I can clearly remember when I started living. When I realized, that i’d be okay without my boyfriend (now ex for three years, hallelujah!!) and that he was using me, and that i was an amazing person who deserved much better. Remembering that moment in time, makes me happy. Makes me better than happy, freakishly elated, i’d say. It was like being reborn, without all of the odd ceremony or anything. That was the first moment, i realized that i was a person, who deserved more than to be kicked around and beaten on. and that i wasn’t the prettiest thing ever, but i was worth SO much more than what he treated me. *sniffles*

How DO you measure the worth of a person? Who am I to say someone is worthless, or not? I’m not– i’m not anyone to do something like that. In my experience, people are too often treated below their worth. Especially in school… especially in society– If you aren’t pretty enough, you’re valued below those who are pretty, and if you aren’t skinny enough, then you’re valued below those who are skinny. Or with men, If you’re not detached enough, or if you help around the house too much… God. It’s horrid. I figure, I should only worry about what God thinks of me, and no one else.

And God thinks me Beautiful.

Derringer Meryl [Happy 300 entries] Out

I’d like to add, that when I broke up with my first boyfriend, I lost like, twenty pounds. I looked awesome. I looked amazing, and i loved it. i did it so he’d want me back, and I could say no– say “I love the way I am, who I am, and I won’t give the person i am to you, because i know you’ll only bring me down– and i can’t live like that.”

I feel like i’m going in reverse. I feel odd. I stopped my medication (which by the miracle called Science, was making me skinnier, or at least stable) and then i’m getting more depressed, for various reasons, and I hate the idea that i have to go back to therapy just to get my damn medication. I have ADD, therapy won’t make it go away, won’t make it better, and i’m not going to get better… it just won’t happen. Just give me the DAMN miracle pills, so i can be pretty again. So I can be skinny again, and everything will be okay.

*sighs* My body isn’t addicted to the chemicals. I have no need to take them as far as my body is concerned– I just want to take them for emotional reasons. My brain is addicted to the way they make me look. Skinny. Pretty.

Now if i wanted to look Ideal– that’d take about 20 Million in plastic surgery, so i could look like this and not break my back or anything. *shrugs* I work with men who idolize perfect women. I just want to be like that too.

Derringer Meryl [80% chance of starring in a] Out

Great. Just fan-freaking-tastic. Don’t you just love those things that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside–? Yeah, and i”m being freaking sarcastic, trust me–

I gained ten pounds… and guess what? I look like i’m four months pregnant, and GUESS WHAT???? I’M NOT!!! And then I talked ot Monkey on the phone, and was rather rude, but you want to know something? I don’t care. I don’t give a flying rat’s ass, because the only time we talk is when he needs something anyway… always about work, he never talks about anything else…. *sighs* whatever. I’m so done with that.

Today, blows.

Derringer Meryl [I will never eat, EVER again] Out

2003-10-13 – 4:21 p.m.

Mr. T Experience, I’m like Yeah, and she’s all No

Boy meets girl,

girl teases boy,

boy looks for something

to destroy.

He’s into her,

she’s onto him,

and that’s the way

it’s always been.

She’ll be with you

if you want her to,

unless she finds out

that you do.

Then somehow she

won’t want to be,

it turns around so suddenly.

And I’m like yeah,

but she’s all no,

and I’m all come on baby,

let’s go,

and she’s like

I don’t think so,

and I’m going…

The search for love and happiness

turns out to be a game of chess.

You can’t move

or you flip the board,

and you’re lying in pieces

on the floor.

I’m like um,

and she’s all hey,

and I’m all come on baby,

let’s play,

and she’s like

that’s okay,

and I’m going…

Every day

I just want to say

I love her madly,

but I do it so badly,

that when I do,

I can’t get through.

If she even listens,

she’s way off

in the distance.

Success in these relationships

rests more or less on gamesmanship,

and these are ships

that I can’t board,

or keep in order or afford.

I’m like yeah,

but she’s like no,

and I’m all come on baby,

lets go,

and she’s like

I don’t think so,

and I’m going.

I’m going.

I’m going.

*rocks out* I need to get OUT and away from these walls!

Derringer Meryl [and i’m all yeah] Out