Undone

Happy Beginnings! It’s a new week, and i’ve used this weekend to reflect on a few things. First, I don’t know anyone as well as i’d like to. Including myself. I find myself falling into the Julia Roberts (ala Runaway Bride) role. I like whatever someone else likes. I’m uber laid back. It’s not like a guy i like, loves fried eggs, and i say i like them too, and what not, just because he likes them. I furiously hate fried eggs. No one could make me eat them. I hate TV drama shows (Ala The Practice) and like more cult-ish shows. (Buffy, Xena, Angel, etc) I like Anime. I don’t like Porn– i’m fairly strong on that point. And I figure, in the long and short of it, how the hell do i really know anyone else if i spend all my time trying to figure out me.

Lets see– what else? I have another temp job tomorrow– and it’s going to be a fairly tight day. Test, and two jobs. One brain stew. i’m really nervous about the test, because, well– i hate math.

Do you ever find yourself agreeing with someone just to end the argument? I find myself doing that, WAY too much. Like– all the time. I swallow my ‘pride’ and just say “Yeah, you’re right, and i’m wrong.” just because i don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m starting to get sick of being the submissive one.

I’m writing a story… which a few of you can’t read because you’re a) too judgmental or b)extremely rude. No offense to anyone outside of my circle of friends (that i know, i figure if you read this regularly, you’re as good as a friend) You’d have to suck up in a major manner to get the link, or you’d have to be really smart to get to it online. 🙂 I’m sorta having writers block with that. I wrote myself into the corner, but since i’m doing it first person narration, i figure if i switch characters, i have so much room to move it’s ridiculous. I’ve gotten more reviews with this story (all of them in a positive direction) than all of my other stories put together! It’s pretty awesome. I find it heartwarming… and it sure inspires me to write.

Lets see, yesterday was saturday, i should do a shopping recap: I got myself a pair of wings, and i got my sister-in-law’s Christmas gift, I bought a gift for Red too (as we went shopping together) It was a little Jade Buddha. She got me a gift (tis the season, or something.) it was a nifty little journal with “Fading Memories” inscribed on the front. The Pages look like they have been burnt a little, and a little purple bow ties it all up on the outside. It was a warm fuzzy for me. Cause I got one eighth of my family shopping done. Of course I still have Red, Monkey, Marco, Gert and J-Bob to buy for *smirks* You gotta cover your friends. 🙂 I’m sure i forgot one of my friends, and they’ll read that and be upset with me 🙂 But sue me, there are so many that i don’t regularly correspond with– so it’s hard to remember them all.

🙂 Anyway. I’m going to go brood, wanna join?

Derringer Meryl [Broody Bint] Out

another fan-FREAKING-tastic day. While the upside was working with Gert, and the excitement from Red Coming up from college, the downside was the fumes.

yes, the fumes. Shall I call them, the FUMES FROM HELL! Imagine that you’re working at a nail salon, you get one of those masks to keep yourself from inhaling all of those fumes, and what not, and you get paid damn good for charging the prices you do. Yes, it’s good to be a nail technician. Now, imagine, you’re getting paid jack, AND you aren’t working in a nail salon, but you STILL get the fumes. Isn’t that fun. OH, and minus the mask. So basically, you don’t the the chatty fun from being a nail technician, you don’t get the pay, you don’t get the nifty paper mask– YOU GET THE FREAKING FUMES… and that’s it. And as a bonus for all those wonderful things you gave up, you get to have headaches, bloody noses, respiratory problems, and skin irritation. Isn’t that fun!? I’m sure you’re thoroughly enjoying it. To add upon that, you have people telling you “You should really complain about the fumes! THey’re horrible.”

NO REALLY? I THOUGHT THEY WERE WONDERFUL

Yeah. The fumes from hell. I’m considering calling Osha, or possibly the Fire Department, or fetch, if i feel like this too much longer– the friggin’ hospital.

Let me leave you with what i, and my coworkers, have been suffering with.

Eyes

Eye contact with vapors and airborne dusts can cause irritation and redness, burning, itching, or discomfort. Your eyes may water and your vision may briefly become distorted. Once you stop being exposed, these effects usually go away fairly quickly. Chemicals which can cause these effects include acrylates (ethyl methacrylate, butyl methacrylate, isobutyl methacrylate, methacrylic acid, and ethyl cyanoacrylate), and many solvents, such as methyl ethyl ketone and acetone.

Nose, Throat, and Lungs

These same chemicals can also irritate your nose, throat, and lungs. Symptoms include irritation or soreness of the nose and throat, hoarseness, coughing, lung congestion, chest tightness, and shortness of breath. Cigarette smoking can worsen these symptoms. These effects are temporary and should disappear soon after exposure to an irritating vapor ends.

Chronic bronchitis can result from repeated exposure to irritant chemicals. Symptoms of this condition include lung congestion, cough with phlegm, difficulty in breathing, and greater susceptibility to respiratory infections.

Repeated exposure to certain chemicals found in some artificial nail products can cause allergic reactions in the respiratory tract. One type of allergy mainly affects the nose and throat, causing sneezing and other symptoms similar to hay fever. Another type of allergic reaction affects the lungs, causing asthma. Symptoms of asthma include difficulty breathing, wheezing, coughing, shortness of breath, and tightness in the chest. Once you have become sensitized to a chemical, very small amounts of that chemical can cause an allergic reaction.

Exposure to irritant chemicals that would not affect most people can provoke an asthma attack in a person who already has asthma.

Methyl methacrylate dust can cause asthma. All of the other acrylates (methacrylates and methacrylic acid) and ethyl cyanoacrylates can cause asthma.

Nervous System

Breathing in the vapors of certain chemicals can affect your brain the same way as drinking too much alcohol does. The technical term for this intoxication is central nervous system (CNS) depression. Overexposure to these vapors can cause headaches, nausea, and dizziness as well as making you feel irritable, confused, or drunk. These feelings should go away soon after you stop working with the chemicals.

Many of the chemicals which cause these effects are organic solvents. Some organic solvents often found in nail products are methyl ethyl ketone, acetone, toluene, xylene, and ethyl ether. Large amounts of vapors from the methacrylates can also cause the same problems.

Derringer Meryl [G’bye Brain] Out

If you asked people “How Sexy am I on a scale of 1-10?” would YOU be happy with Seven? I mean, yeah, it’s above a five, which is average, but how could you be happy with a seven? I guess it’s better than a lie, I would know people were lying if i got any higher. *shrugs* I shouldn’t care so much.

Besides, I’m the one who says “I Am SO Ugly” When i look in the mirror, or “I need to loose weight.” Either one. So I guess it’s alright. Seven is better than what i deserve.

Derringer Meryl [I’m really more of a three] Out

2003-10-17 – 12:35 a.m.

You ever have those days where nothing PARTICULARLY sucks, but the day in a whole puts you into a funk. Like the fact that the perfect guy (personality wise) sits before, em and i just long for him to kiss me, or to show some interest, Or SOMETHING– anything– and then there’s my religion. I’ve said it once, i’ll say it again– i love my religion. I honest to God do…. it’s just a bit of a downer sometimes to say “He’s the perfect guy, but he isn’t LDS.” Friendjamin says I shouldn’t limit myself to a specific religion. But if there’s one thing i’ve learned in watching relationships crumble and wither and die– and such– that big things like religion, or kids, or money, usually causes the shit to hit the fan. (I’m sure there’s other big things, but i’m just not thinking of it right now.) Oi, think about it. THe first time I was in a serious relationship, he was the right religion, right height, right color of eyes, loved kids, but he was stingy with money. Sure, at the appropriate times, being stingy is okay. I mean, he was STINGY. as in he never paid for ONE date the entire time we were together.

Lets see, who was there after that… Oh. J-bob. We weren’t really ever together, but he’s the one who pulled me out of my sullen mess over the first one, so while it wasn’t an active relationship in the romantic, “we’re SO dating’ sense, it’s more of a — i liked him. A LOT. (Ahem, i still do.) And he was the right height, and he had this smile, and the sense of humor, and these dimples, and it just made you mushy. ‘Scuse me, it made ME mushy. Still does. I keep getting caught on the fact that he isn’t LDS. In fact, he’s very rebellious against the whole damn religion thing. He drinks, he likes pr0n, and i’m horribly in love with him. It’s like some sort of horrid thing where we torture (or I torture, whatever) myself by returning to see him, and i wish i could be that kind of person for him…. but that’s not a line i’m willing to cross. I’m just not.

Then, there’s Monkey. In the beginning, we hated each other, faught like friggin’ cats and dogs. But I always secretly liked him. He is LDS, but doesn’t go. He’s the right height, right smile, right words, …. wrong me. I guess. I can’t honestly place what was wrong with us. If there was an us. I’m a little hazy about that. But we’re still friends today. Mostly. I know i bash him about a bit in here. I really shouldn’t, and i feel pretty shitty about it afterwards. He’s an awesome guy, he does nifty things. He says the right things, at all the right times… *falls off her chair* how is it not supposed to make me feel bad that i was the wrong one this time? *raises her eyebrow*

In any case, i’m a disaster waiting to happen. Don’t give up on the things you want in a person, in a significant other. You’ll find it– and they’ll find you. And you’ll be happy. I just hope– that it’s sooner rather than later with me.

Red is coming up tomorrow (huzzah!!!) I have to take her about to meet new Co-workers, and J-Bob…. and basically i want to parade her like a friggin’ trophy. “Hi, My Name is Meryl, and this is my best friend Red, she goes to a real college. None of this Community college crap. Oh, No. She has roommates, and a dorm, and they cook, and she meets new people. *nods* Not like me, who stays at home, and shuns the touch of people.”

Speaking of touching people (smirks easily) dont’ get the wrong idea, this is clean. I thought i might explain why i hate it. WHy I wish it was acceptable to wear gloves 24/7 in society today– because my skin (like my sense of smell) is super sensitive. I hate people brushing up against me, or moving past me too close, and if you’ve ever been to the mall with me at Christmas time, you know what i mean– or if you’ve been to a Debate meet with me. I don’t go check postings. I stay back, I wait for the crowd to disperse– and if i HAVE to be in a large crowd, My arms instinctively lock so my fisted hands are underneath my chin, and my elbows are locked at an acute angle. I’m the type of a girl who reads something into touching. It’s an experience, I guess no one else has taken the time to notice. You can tell what a person does for a job by their hands. My hands are always so smooth and cold. People say “Your hands are so smooth, how did you get them like that?” I respond casually by saying “By doing no work.” And it’s the truth. I have upperclass princess hands. *blinks* I’m straying from the topic. My catchphrase back in the day (when I broke up with my first boyfriend) was “Don’t touch me unless it means something to you.” I’m not a fan of insincere hugs, fish handshakes, groping of any sort, or kissing random people…. Oh. And No Holding my hands. Don’t hold my hands. Don’t touch them. Not my fingers, not the palm, not the wrist. NO! *shakes her head* To me, holding hands is a bond. A promise. Not a forever promise, but a promise that says, I’ll be there. I’ll do what i can to help you through things. and we can do it together.

The idea of holding hands for the sheer thrill of it, or because ‘it’s what i’m supposed to do on a date…’ is shit. Complete, unquestioned, CRAP. You really like a person, and you want to hold their hand, you sure as hell better mean it.

Maybe i’m old fashioned, and a prude, and a freak– but if you felt everything that i felt when someone touches me, you’d want it to mean something too.

Derringer Meryl [Waiting for something– More] Out

2003-10-15 – 1:40 p.m.

*mutters* It’s true. SO FREAKIN’ True.

Where does freedom of speech end, and harassment begin?

I didn’t know what they were doing. I admit, i heard about this, how could I not? this is, after all, my religion. I am LDS. I love it. I admit, that like other religions, not everyone believes in it– but we seem to get beat on a lot for what we believe. I don’t think the world should PITY us, or anything– i think we deserve the same treatment as everyone else. We have millions of members, and still, we’re treated like some backwoods cult from Michigan that’s telling our followers to treat their children with snake venom– only we call it the “elixir of God.” No, we’re a Christian religion just as much as the Catholic church is. we don’t deserve to be the ass of someone’s joke any more than anyone else does. I have NEVER protested any other religion. Well, i guess that depends on your definition of religion. You want to be a Wiccan, go ahead, I really don’t care… feel free, you can do what you want. It’s your choice… but– don’t try and bring down some wiccan curse on me, because then i’m just irritated. *shrugs*

But I wouldn’t ever touch someones sacred items and belittle them. Never. Ever. I have a deep respect for other religions. I have friends who are Buddhist, Muslim, Catholic, Agnostic, and whatever else you can think of. Honest… We’re running a little low on Baptists around these parts, but as long as they agree (in pact, i agree to the same terms) to not trash each others religion, in fact, it rarely ever comes up…. i’m fine. I am defensive about my faith– and i don’t think it’s so much because I love it, but it’s because people have died for it. In fact, even people in the past who have fallen away (which is what we call it when people stop coming to church, or just leave the church all together) have never denied the fact it was true. I find that amazing. People have sacrificed so much, and i don’t think that NOW, in this day in age, when everyone gets what they want– when people who were once called Black, are now African Americans, and those who were once Indians, are Native Americans– and we seem to embrace so much that is different from ourselves– that we, as a nation, still reject a religion, Christian by all rights. And honestly– if this is what the United States of America is about, that after 200 years of boasting RELIGIOUS FREEDOM, they spit on the LDS religion, well i can tell you what–

Up yours America– I don’t want to be part of a nation like that.

I’ll take my sacred Garments with me too.

Derringer Meryl [I hate People.] Out