Oct
19
2003
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Going through the motions

Happy Beginnings! It’s a new week, and i’ve used this weekend to reflect on a few things. First, I don’t know anyone as well as i’d like to. Including myself. I find myself falling into the Julia Roberts (ala Runaway Bride) role. I like whatever someone else likes. I’m uber laid back. It’s not like a guy i like, loves fried eggs, and i say i like them too, and what not, just because he likes them. I furiously hate fried eggs. No one could make me eat them. I hate TV drama shows (Ala The Practice) and like more cult-ish shows. (Buffy, Xena, Angel, etc) I like Anime. I don’t like Porn– i’m fairly strong on that point. And I figure, in the long and short of it, how the hell do i really know anyone else if i spend all my time trying to figure out me.

Lets see– what else? I have another temp job tomorrow– and it’s going to be a fairly tight day. Test, and two jobs. One brain stew. i’m really nervous about the test, because, well– i hate math.

Do you ever find yourself agreeing with someone just to end the argument? I find myself doing that, WAY too much. Like– all the time. I swallow my ‘pride’ and just say “Yeah, you’re right, and i’m wrong.” just because i don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m starting to get sick of being the submissive one.

I’m writing a story… which a few of you can’t read because you’re a) too judgmental or b)extremely rude. No offense to anyone outside of my circle of friends (that i know, i figure if you read this regularly, you’re as good as a friend) You’d have to suck up in a major manner to get the link, or you’d have to be really smart to get to it online. :) I’m sorta having writers block with that. I wrote myself into the corner, but since i’m doing it first person narration, i figure if i switch characters, i have so much room to move it’s ridiculous. I’ve gotten more reviews with this story (all of them in a positive direction) than all of my other stories put together! It’s pretty awesome. I find it heartwarming… and it sure inspires me to write.

Lets see, yesterday was saturday, i should do a shopping recap: I got myself a pair of wings, and i got my sister-in-law’s Christmas gift, I bought a gift for Red too (as we went shopping together) It was a little Jade Buddha. She got me a gift (tis the season, or something.) it was a nifty little journal with “Fading Memories” inscribed on the front. The Pages look like they have been burnt a little, and a little purple bow ties it all up on the outside. It was a warm fuzzy for me. Cause I got one eighth of my family shopping done. Of course I still have Red, Monkey, Marco, Gert and J-Bob to buy for *smirks* You gotta cover your friends. :) I’m sure i forgot one of my friends, and they’ll read that and be upset with me :) But sue me, there are so many that i don’t regularly correspond with– so it’s hard to remember them all.

:) Anyway. I’m going to go brood, wanna join?

Derringer Meryl [Broody Bint] Out

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Sep
24
2003
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chameleon of Emotions …. I guess

Isn’t it horribly amusing when you fall asleep thinking about one guy, and you wake up from a dream you had with another?

right. Well I think it is. I think it shows how undecided i am about the whole “who I like as more than a friend” situation i have going on in my mind.

The one guy i was going to switch jobs for, just so i could date him…. and the other guy, well…. we gave it a go, and he just doesn’t think of me that way. It’s okay I guess, not everyone in the world has to be physically attracted to me. *smirks* (Note: I’m not usually this cocky.) I guess I should move on, but ya know– i’m not the kind of girl who just gives up. I guess it’s what scares people away from me. I’m not normal. I’m not what they want me to be, and that bothers them. From My parents (specifically my dad) to my friends and co-workers. I’m determined to make things work MY way. No matter what. :)

Stubborn little byatch, aren’t I?

the thing is right now… which way is my way? I’m not focusing on how i feel, but how everyone else feels about things. It’s so much simpler to say ‘Well Frank feels this way about this thing, so i’ll just do the same.’ There are so few things i feel overwhelmingly like i have to express my opinion, i just go with the flow. :) eh. Works, doesn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [how do YOU feel about that?] Out

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Sep
21
2003
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Unusual Me.

Have you ever felt the kind of pressure that when you feel it, you feel like lashing out at the person who seems to be pressuring you? It’s like, they keep reminding you, and pestering you, about stuff you know you need to do, but … you just don’t want to. If that person was a tamagotchi, you’d put it in a drawer and ignore it’s small chirps for help as the piles of poo surrounded their tiny body. Poor thing.

*sighs* I’m just tired of feeling like everyone isn’t so much advising as they think they are. Or maybe it’s all in my mind. I swear. I don’t want to go to the singles ward more and more each time it’s suggested by my dad. We even had a discussion about it with our home teacher today. …. *sighs* good gravy. I’m just so tired.

I don’t think i’m taking the job at Game Crazy. the idea of it makes my senses scream, and my body tense up. I guess it’s because i feel like i’m a liar. I misconstrued myself so that i could get the job. ick. I hate feeling like this. and I could continue on with the drama that is why i don’t act anyway i don’t feel… but eh, that’s okay. I don’t want to think about it.

I feel so stressed. I have another test this week, and i feel grossly unprepared, in a way that just about sickens me. I better head off to bed, so I can *crosses her fingers* feel better in the morning…. and maybe God will tell me, in the night, how to wriggle my way out of working at GameCrazy. I’ve never been one to say no… heh.

Derringer Meryl [i always seem to be going upstream] Out

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