Undone

Impending doom. I know what that feels like. i have this sick horrible feeling settled into my stomach telling me that everything I touch or I’m involved in breaks. I’m a ruiner. I ruin things for others.

I’m petrified of getting married. it’s not that I don’t love Scott, because I do. He’s wonderful, and about fifteen million other similar adjectives…. but I’m still scared. I’m scared of becoming like other married couples who aren’t happy. I’m scared of becoming like my parents.

I’m scared that Scott will be like my dad. (at this moment I’m shaking rather violently, excuse any spelling mistakes) My dad never was very much involved in my life (until now) and …. that sorta makes me angry. He always said it was my mom’s job to be involved with my school stuff. He never went to one parent teacher confrence, and like two of my choral recitals…. he went to a play I did once– mom was always so much more vigilant. Dad seemed out of the loop.

I guess something Scott said yesterday just scared me. He said that i’d be in charge of nurturing the kids.

I don’tknow. That just sorta brought my dad to mind. Maybe I’m out of line–but… All i know is that this horrible feeling in my stomach just won’t go away.

Derringer Meryl [Didn’t want to say that] Out

I’ve been busy working on my psych paper, which i’ve chosen to be on the psychological effects of getting married on a bride.

If any of you married gals would like to give me insight …. ANY OF YOU! seriously, I need more than just my family! I know you’re reading this Scott’s friends. *leers* Email Me if you’re not comfortable leaving a comment. I’d just… I REALLY need your help here. I know that it’s sort notice (since it’s due tomorrow) but send this link to your friends who are married, and your friends send it to their friends. PLEASE?!?

I’d really really appreciate it. I could tell you a story or something if you’ll help me out… please?

I just need to write the paper, and i’m running into dead ends, I need to support it with psychological stuff– and i’m running more on stress.

Is stress psychological? My brain is frying. I have backed up homework that SO needs to be done.

PLEASE please pLeAZe Help me!!

Derringer Meryl [please?] Out

I hate school. I hate it SO MUCH! *pulls on her hair* I still don’t have my book back for (this is ironic) my stress management class. I loaned it to a friend (i almost said leant) and STILL do not have it back. I’m exhausted from worrying about this blasted Dead Poets Society paper that’s due on thursday (heh, also ironic) that is only worth 10 points. I have enough extra credit to not do it, and be fine.

I still did it all the same. I have a psychology paper that’s pretty much due on thursday too. i have no idea what to write it on. I thought about doing it on ADD, and I’m just– i just don’t want to do it. I’m totally resisting homework of all sorts and kinds.

Don’t get me wrong. I love learning. I could sit down and learn all day– just not in an institute of learning. heh. Once again with the irony. I hate teachers. They think they’re so great. Yeah, they should be respected, they did a lot to get where they are, I’m sure. I don’t think I need to spit polish their shoes because they graduated from college though. I hoped it would be better in college, but it seems to be worse. I think it’s some kind of power trip because they’re lording power over another person. that causes people to go a little nuts.

I think I’m also pretty grouchy because I haven’t seen Scott since Sunday. Suuuure, we spent all day together, and you think that’d tide me over for a while…. but…. no. I was reading a book today (I’ll spare you the title, since I’m sure if i told you, you’d revoke how much you wanted to know.) and i was sitting in my car before class reading it, and I just sorta freaked out. It was the first time I was really actually nervous about getting married. Just the whole shebang. And scared. It was odd. I admit, there is no where else I’d rather be than with Scott. No where. The idea of being with him forever is a welcome one. I love the idea. I love that we’re going to be together, forever. At the same time though, it’s a looming thought. I’m scared of all those other people I know who (most of them) just got married “until death do you part” and they’re not happy at all. I know Scott’ll never stop loving me. So i’m not sure where the freaky part is. I just sorta … I think it’s me. I’m scared of what i’ll be like. what if I become a naggy wife who won’t let him do the things he likes (ala video games and coding)? What if I go berserk and say something I don’t mean? What will I do when the happy fuzzy bunny feeling I have right now inevitably goes away? (as a note here: I could not be happier in my engagement to Scott. that’s what makes me wonder why i have all these stupid feelings. Since I met Scott, I have been so… wow. I don’t know any words for it. Euphoric? In anycase, I don’t know where this all comes from, but I know for a certainty that I love Scott and we are meant to get married to one another.)

I am a panic person. I have anxiety issues. I’m pretty proud of myself, I’ve nearly been off my medication for a year now. I’m going through a pretty stressful (but HAPPY!) period of my life, and i’m dealing well. I worry. I worry too much.

I was driving down a main street from school (SSC) and saw an advertisement for a play (musical/opera thing) that i’d really like to take Scott to. It’s one of my favorites. Absolutely. Basis of my entire sophmore year research paper. i don’t know if he’d like it, but I love the show (i’m not sure how good it’ll be, i’ve only seen it on film) and I’d like to go. I’ll have to look into ticket prices. *smirks*

Well– I’d better work on my Creative Writing homework. I hate doing it, but I have nothing else to do until Scott comes home. :-S

Derringer Meryl [Just a little tired] Out

I thought I’d comment on this by Wudan:

I’d have to say that our concept of a partner is often tied up with our concept of self – we change, they change, we, “grow apart”, as is the beck-and-call of so many divorce attorneys.

Ya know, even before I was engaged, I spent a lot of time thinking about marriage. I know i’d be uber freaking out right now If i hadn’t previously thought about what I wanted and how I wanted to get married.

I’m not so worried about the wedding details as I am the marriage there after.

I haven’t been surrounded by the best examples of marriage. Divorce runs rampant in society, with one of two couples getting divorced. I remember (not that it was so long ago) that I admired my Seminary teacher’s marriage. I had never met his wife, but he kept pictures of them together all over the classroom, not just the office. It impressed me. We were talking about Temple marriage one day in class, and he said to me, “Don’t get married thinking that Divorce is an option. It’s not. If you think it is, you’ll surely be divorced.” He told us about what would happen if he had a bad day at work or something like that. He’d come home, his wife would say “How was your day at work?” he’d respond that he didnt’ want to talk about it. She’d just smile and say, okay. She didn’t press him, or bother him, but simply let it go. He expressed that at some time he’d tell her about it, what went wrong, but he made sure to leave his work troubles at work.

He also told us (me, because I asked in specific) that there are hard times. He did fight with his wife occasionally. It happens. To expect it. To understand it.

I’m terrified of that. Terrified that it’ll be like the fights i’ve heard before. I can’t even express how much the idea of arguing with Scott freaks me out.

and on a completely unrelated note:

And i find myself feeling odd. I have so many words traveling through my head, so many things I could say to Scott, just comments, or things i notice– nothing bad…. just How i feel at a moment, or how much i love him. I find it all trapped inside of my brain because of my slow tongue. I’m not witty and a fast talker (dont’ ask me how i got to be in debate) I don’t have an extensive vocabulary. I’m fairly sure that most of the words I wish i could say don’t even exist. i just sit there speechless, wondering if he can even understand how completely lucky i find myself.

Not everyone gets to find someone as wonderfully perfect for themselves as Scott is for me. *sighs* Okay, I”m gushing all over now, i had better go and take care of the washer.

Derringer Meryl [Ups And Downs] Out

More scandal and drama they chant.

Alright. I went to work last night (gasp horror) I know everyone at work’s POV on marriage, because we talk about everything together. I thought, in my pre-telling rundown, that Artemis would wig uberly, The Mouth would shrug it off, and that would be that. (I knew I was working with these people, so ya know, I only had expectations for them)

It was a complete fiasco. I told the Mouth first. Hoping that it’d go over well. His eyes got all big and round in his head and he got loud. “You’re what?” and what not, and how long have you even known him, blah blah blah. That’s when Artemis wanted to know what was going on. I had planned not to tell her until later in the night…. so much for that. She didn’t care, shockingly, and simply said to me “No one is gonna know if it’s right but you.” Which i figure is as close to a “Congratulations” from her I’m gonna get. At this point the Mouth is text messaging Guts, who doesn’t believe it. Of course he calls later to talk to Artemis and i tell him then… in the funniest way possible.

Me: “Hey Guts, wanna talk to Artemis?”

“No. Did we traumatize your boyfriend last night?”

I hesitate. “Actually he isn’t my boyfriend anymore.”

“What? Do i need to bust some kneecaps?”

Me: “He’s my fiance.”

“OMG! Really? I think i’m gonna cry!”

*nods* He probably would have busted Scott’s kneecaps If I’d just told him to… *blinks* but I certainly don’t want that. That would make me really upset… Now, he could bust The Mouth’s kneecaps… Okay okay, i’m just kidding.

I also told some of them that I wouldn’t be staying around much longer. Now I admit, I love working at the GS. Its’ great. I love it. But it pays for nothing. not even a video game, brand new, with each pay period. That’s how crappy my pay is. So after finals I’m getting a new job (That’s roughly eight weeks from now.) and Hopefully I can save up to buy things. (Ring, Shoes, Cake… etc)

after the fiasco at work (i’m leaving some of the uneventful tellings out. They’re interesting, but not drama) I came home and got into my pj’s at record speed, and ran downstairs to my computer. 🙂 All night I was pretty much staring at the clock, saying “I just want to go home.” It was stuck in a pretty negative environment last night. Made me really wish that Scott was closer, so I could get hugs and glomps from him 😉 (Glomp: To tackle from the back in an embrace. Usually performed by girls. Looks like cross between a hug and a piggy back ride.) I really miss him, and i’m grateful that I get to see him tonight… I’m sorta scared to tell everyone else, so maybe I’ll tell them right before I leave. I guess it’s because i dont’ deal well with confrontation and despite being in debate when very loud voices are involved i usually forget my arguments.

I just don’t want to hear them demean what I know to be right. (Why I don’t talk about the gospel at work) It doesn’t matter if they don’t believe that I can know that I love Scott already. Because I do. More than anything. It doesn’t matter if they disapprove, because they were only invited to the reception anyway. (Nah nah nah nah nah!) I love Scott, and he loves me, and that’s all that really matters. That we know that this is right. That God says it’s right. That’s all that matters to me.

Derringer Meryl [To heck with the disapprovers] Out