Undone

It’s insane.

How much I am a hopeless romantic. I want someone to run home and call me, because they miss me. I suppose that’s too much to ask, especially in this day in age.

Plus Romance isn’t something you find often in high school, if at all. I can’t help but want it.

I’ve wanted to be married since I was little. I wanted to be away from all the bad things in my life, hiding in the safety that I thought was marriage, where you can hide and no one cares that you’re leaning on your spouse because you’re supposed to.

Then I grew up, and while I still long for the companionship of marriage, I am afraid for all the other things that marriage brings.

Like divorce and fights

and money problems, and finding things out about my spouse that I never knew, that I didn’t want to know. Dealing with all that, and having problems, possibly such big problems that we can’t work through

and then I’d be alone again.

I want to meet someone so devoted to me that they’d dress up as hello kitty for me. Not because I say it all the time, but because then I’d know that they’d really love me, that making a fool of themselves isn’t something that’s bad, and that I’m worth it.

Trust me I have a list of things that are I’d do, or I’d like someone to do for me.

Screwing is not one of them.

I figured blunt was the best way to put that one. Sometimes making love can be the deepest and most binding things in a relationship, but since not everyone thinks that way in the world, it’s not one of the things I’d do for a relationship. It’s not. How easy is it to pick up your clothes from a one night stand and leave.

Too easy.

Sure it’s equally easy to step out of a hello kitty costume and say “I’m breaking up with you” but hey, no one calls you a few months later saying “Hey, Remember that one time that you wore that hello kitty costume? Well I’m pregnant.”

I’m an odd little kitten aren’t I? Well Demented is one of the things I do best. Strange isnt’ it? I thought so.

It’s insane.

I never want to feel emotion again. Never. I want to chuck all of my feelings and emotions into the jordan river and watch them float in the mucky duck water. I don’t care.

I DON’T CARE!

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

I musnt run away

Derringer Meryl [Having a Shinji Moment] Out

*sigh*

Sigh is all there is to say. I’m irritable and mean and ….

Hopeless. Simply hopeless. Just like all those Disney characters you see, that become attached to the hero….

cept I don’t have one really.

I can see myself now, like five (or less) years from now being proposed to. I say no, and it won’t end like it does in Anne of Green Gables, he won’t wait for me, won’t wait for me, he’ll move on and find some girl who’ll say yes, and never look back.

No one waits in this day and age.

Why?

Why can’t someone say, “I’ve loved you since the day I met you, and i’ve tried to move on, but… .I know that we’re really meant to be.”

I”m like Anne, I can’t really think of anyone I like that way. No one I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with

Not to mention eternity.

And it saddens me, because i don’t have a Gill Blythe who will wait for me while I philander around the world, because the boys now days are too fickle. People have a hard time staying together for the time allotted on earth, not to mention forever.

Everyone is Fickle. Everyone.

Even me. But I know that I don’t love anyone right now. I know that i think people are foxy *drools*

Anyway.

I should sleep, I’m getting sicker each night I go to sleep later and later.

Please. I beg. Sadly I beg, Just tell me this “Pancakes and Gardinias Taste good together”

Derringer Meryl [I’m lying here on the floor where you left me]

I figured I’d post a real entry, instead of just lyrics to how i was feeling.

I bought the Our Lady Peace CD today. It’s called Gravity. I have fallen in love, how sad.

Some people might be confused at that statement… I can’t blame them, tv glorified the idea. I fell in love with love at a young age because of movies like Cinderella and Snow White. I spent my Elementary years looking for my Prince Charming, when I should have focused on more important things like…. Umm… Subtraction and what not.

I wanted so bad to be happy. I wanted to live in my own little castle, with my husband, and leave my house.

That hasn’t changed, I still yearn to leave my house.

I suppose that’s sad. I know I have it great here. I know that my parents love me, but that doesn’t mean i can deny the abusive tenancies…. that surround my childhood and life today. It’s not something I want to focus on, but the sooner I find that fetching prince the better. He’ll be my one way ticket out of here.

Sure that wasn’t what Cinderella was thinking when she went to the ball, but you can’t tell me she didn’t want to leave her home.

My head is light, and my eyes are heavy. I don’t want to sleep though, i know what i’ll dream about and it’s not something i’m really looking forward to. It hurts to dream. No I take that back, it doesn’t hurt to dream it hurts to wake up from the dream. It aches in my body to shake myself from the nightly delusions of splendor to the drab appearance of reality.

It saddens me. Everything does. Even things that once made me happy. all that makes me happy now is reading stories and watching movies.

I was never an active girl, so it’s okay with me that i literally fry in the sun.

OHHHH i’m sure you think that’s a joke, that i don’t really fry in the sun. Well here’s a reality check, I do. I would die if i spent more than three hours in the sun. Okay, Die is an exaggeration. I’d get deathly ill, and if it wasn’t taken care of quickly, THEN i’d die. So the whole basking in the sunlight with my love, is dashed all to hell.

I wouldn’t mind spending time in the sun with someone I really loved. I mean, Really really really loved. Someone who was persistent enough in their love of me, they’d make sure I’d get water, even though I’m a ditz. They’d watch me drink it…. make sure i was okay.

They’d hold my hand in the shade when I got dizzy.

Enough of that. I really don’t feel like imagining scenes that will never happen. Not with HIM nor with anyone.

No one makes me feel complete. Not yet anyway. They make me feel nice, and stuff… but not… complete.

I want to be complete. I feel like I’m walking around with half my mind in another body. I want to have someone finish my sentences, and not feel all funny and stupid about it after wards.

Did I mention I have a vivid imagination? I can see these scenes in my head. I can see them play out, and I can almost feel the breeze on my face, and my hair lightly moving around my face…… leaning against a large tree in a park, as I watch them play…. they’re playing Horse… You know the basketball game where you spell out horse, I never understood that game.

I want someone to remove the imagination portion of my brain. If you can do that, Please…. email me.

Derringer Meryl [Thought that I was going crazy] Out

(*+=Pancakes taste good with Gardinias=+*)