Undone

Figured I should get around to posting something that isn’t whining.

Yeah, Like I could do anything but whine. Oh well, I guess you wouldnt’ be reading if you didn’t enjoy it in some masochistic way. Right?

Anway, I should be doing some homework for school, but I thought that I’d rather dish about work. I didn’t think this would ever happen again, but you know my luck. Blah.

Anyway, I enjoy my new Boss, he’s so funny, and just incredible. SO very nice, unlike Paul (Yes I said his real name, I don’t care, he’s a jerk, and everyone deserves to know). They both have rather simular lives, but my new boss seems to have taken it and made himself stronger instead of becoming bitter and what not. I think it’s great. I wish I had the strength to do that. To become not bitter, and not hate the people who hurt me. I guess that’s my weakness. Majorly so.

I’ve been reading up on Buffy spoilers. (run Away Run Run run if you don’t want to be spoiled!!!)

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the title of the next new episode which is

Lies My Parents Told Me

I was thinking about that. In the episode the father figure (Giles) is telling Buffy she shouldn’t become involved with Spike (Evil grr Vampire) romantically again. Well screw the romantically, they shoudln’t be involved together at all, especially not physically like they were previously. Buffy says that Spike is there because she can’t handle him not being there right now.

This reminds me of my family right now, not just my parents, but pretty much all of my family. It’s like they know what is best for me, even though they don’t know what is going on in my head, or my heart, or the feelings that pulse through my body. My friend… well he’s leaving on a mission soon. He’s a doll and I think he’s great and all, extremely sweet, but it’s hard enough for me to get out of bed and go to church every week, let alone drive to someone elses church. It all seems like such a burden. I do feel bad for not going, but …. i don’t know, we weren’t really involved, he never asked me back out on a date– which was fine, I understand. I don’t know how to explain it, he’s a total lovable guy, but I just didn’t feel it was right for me to go. SO much for that.

The story of Buffy is how people, especially parents, meddle in other’s lives. Doing what they suppose is best. Mom asks people to go out with you, Dad gives you lectures on the importance of staying morally clean.

I’ve heard it all before, and I’m a good girl. I have my little bubble of safety– and I”m happy with it. I’m not ready for it to be gone yet.

Derringer Meryl [Bubble Named Spike] Out

Blah Blah Blah.

Everyone has pain, and I’m sure if we all took the time to STOP looking at our own pain, and emotional wounds– and looked at someone elses– we’d all feel better.

But that’s too easy.

You know what, I was wrong. You *are* an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, *suck* beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it’s not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they’re too busy with their own.

The beautiful ones, the popular ones, the guys that pick on you… Everyone.

If you could hear what they were feeling, the loneliness, the confusion… It looks quiet down there. It’s not. It’s deafening.

Go Buffy. You sing it girl. OW – OW!

Isn’t it romantic?

I didn’t think so. I just got finished watching The Prom, a buffy episode, and I have to say I’m bitter-ish about the episode, for several reasons….

1- Joyce– I want you to know that Joyce happens to be one of the worst moms who ‘claims’ they care about their daughter. I mean where is her brain? “Oh I know, I’ll take the man my daughter loves, and butt into their relationship. Not only that, I won’t accept her decisions, and her choice of friends. That’s the way to endear her to me. Definately.”

2- Angel– Breaking up with Buffy the day before her prom. What a great idea. Wonderful, really. I mean you’re alive for 243 years and this is what you learn? NOTHING? I mean, hello! Worst time ever to break up with ANYONE! Crap. How stupid do you have to be? Oh, Right…. brooding poof stupid.

3- Award Ceremony– Like any high school full of your average teens (which they are, if you watch Earshot.) would even remotely think about anything but themselves. They gave her an award. And Yeah, Buffy deserved it, but see I still run on the whole Elementary school valentines day thing–

If you don’t have one for everyone– then don’t give any out. THP! Screw them all. Nothing is fairy tale happy. TV makes America not only deluded but jaded.

S-o-O-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-O-R-r-R-r-R-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

Pshaw.

Derringer Meryl [Jaded, Oh So Jaded] Out

I’m full of Shippy longing.

I finally finished Love Hina One of the most romantic anime’s ever. At first glance, not really, but it definately deserves a second look. Honest.

Then I’ve been watching What I Really Meant To Say Buffy Music Video. I hope tomorrow’s ep is full of Buffy Spike Shipping. I’m dying for it.

Why?

Because it feels nice that the guy who gets kicked down, the one who everyone looks down on– the one that no one seemed to understand, is the good guy. Sure he did some cruddy things, but he’s trying to change, he wants to make up for it–

He wants to make things better with her.

I wish someone loved me enough– to want to make things better for me. it’s not a quality you find in many people now days. Heck, you don’t find it in people very often at all– but that’s the thing, they’re filled with love– or charity– and they do things, nice things for others.

I want that.

It’s funny too. That I get stuck as the under dog in every thing. I’m never the hero–

I’m the Xander, the Keitaro, the person who does good things, but always ends up looking like a freak– always in someone else’s shadow. I don’t mind being there–

I’d just like some sunlight sometimes.

Well then.

I just spent a good portion of the morning looking for bloody kitty ears… Okay, not BLOODY kitty ears, I mean kitty ears… anyway, it seems impossible to find them when they aren’t hooked to a tale and some other sexy thing, like a bow tie.

Anyway, no SILVER kitty ears seem to exist at the local mall….

Speaking of the mall and such, I went back to my old digs (ie work) and spent a little time talking about my box. *snuggles Box* well, i wasn’t all possessive around HIM, but… I felt odd. Very Odd. Detached, remotely depressed odd. No.. not that kind… I don’t know, new emotion odd.

Like He’s the one person who never promised to give me anything, and gave me lots anyway…. It’s hard to explain, especially without offending somebody, because I have to admit, I have a lot of good people in my life, and I appreciate them, very much, but ….

He never said– never…. He didn’t wanted me to be attached to him, but I became so anyway… It’s… so .. odd, an odd sensation….

And now, I’ve disappointed myself. I remember after my very first boyfriend dumped me I promised myself that i would be cold, and detached (Which I have accomplished for the most part, quite well) and I have to say, i enjoy it. It’s a carefree life, not worrying about others, and …. when I say others I mean, the human race, I dont’ have to worry about them, for the most part, my life is a one person show, that being ME. So… Yeah, I wasn’t extremely attached to everyone there, at work, my old work….. Except him. My old Boss constantly promised me things he never gave me. People usually do that, and dont’ fulfill what they say… and I take it… very seriously…

He never promised me anything, and gave me so much.

The ability to laugh at myself

To feel love, and caring for someone who never did something for me.

THe ability to be myself, and express myself freely

I was able, to be me.

I don’t know if he understands all that I got from our working relationship, but, It was a lot. Enough for me to care about him, he taught me so much…

And for that, he’s endeared to me.

I’m such a sappy freak, and I’m extremely mellow right now, but I can see (as you probably can too) That i am a freak…. and sappy, with the sappiness…. and stuff.

-Anyway-

We finished Buffy (Yippie) and I’m having this sinking feeling that buying an Xbox for one (VERY SHORT) game is a bad Idea. *blinks* Oh well, There is always DOA!

HAHA!

Derringer Meryl [You never sang my song]Out