Undone

*AHEM* Scott and I were arguing about what Mr. Brandon Flowers was saying in the Killer’s new song “human” and in fact it is as follows “Are we human or are we dancer” For the following reason:

On the band’s official website, the biography section states that Flowers is singing “Are we human, or are we dancer?” and also says that Flowers said the lyrics were inspired by a disparaging comment made by Hunter S. Thompson about how America was raising a generation of dancers.

So HAHAHAHAHA, It is Dancer. Though some people (who are incorrect) have suggested he’s saying “denser” but it’s definately dancer.
and who says that lyrics need to make sense anyway. Some of the most relieving things i’ve ever written have made no sense what so ever.

I have been carelessly flipping through the want ads reading each one, checking off the ones I like.

And I’ve been listening to the new Avril CD while I’ve been doing that, and honestly I”ve decided that some regular words are worse than cuss words. Like Shit. That word means nothing to me. It’s poo. whoopdidoo. I don’t care.

The word broken brings me to my knees though. (Isn’t it odd that my page says broken but still good on it?) I hate that word. It makes my stomach churn. Makes me want to die inside.

Reminds me of another time. I think my disconcern now, my distress and deflatedness is me trying to mesh my life with Scott’s as best as I can, and I just get tired of it sometimes, and I just break down sometimes. That other time. I remember rolling over in bed at night and repeating to myself that I was broken and that no one wanted me. That’s why everyone left me eventually. Honestly i realize that everyone has to leave sooner or later, physically. I couldn’t keep the Specialist, and Wudan around forever. I couldnt’ keep things the way they were before. (I realize now that change can be good, because they left I became WAY close with Dax, which I think ROCKS. I always wanted to be really close with at least one of my sibs.) I just …

I told myself that all the time. Scott said something the other day that sent me over the edge of my momentary sanity … I dont’ think I”ll really devulge it, for privacy’s sake, but …. honestly– i wanted to scream. It was so– it reminded of me back then. Rolling around in my bed saying I was broken. Crying myself to bed, because no one wanted me.

Everyone has their little secrets they keep– (No, I don’t light the fires while the city sleeps)

Mine was (still is sometimes) that my brain likes to make me believe that i’m dirt. I think a lot at that point it’s satan. I can’t say for sure, Honestly I don’t think it’s a satanic presence, but — whatever. Chemicals–

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Better] Out

[Songs Stuck in my head: Brick, Ben Folds Five; Brandy, Looking Glass]

It’s amazing how far you can come in a year. A year ago, I was fighting with Red, in a shaky pretty much one sided relationship (with who I still believe to be a great guy, just not for me.) I recap the depression i went through with that, and I realize that the only people who kept me moving, I haven’t had the chance to talk to in a while.

I do miss them. I miss Marco and Monkey, Guts, Mouth, Artemis, and despite my loathing of him, I miss Gert too.

For the longest time they were all i had. I dont’ understand why I care so deeply about these people, and so few of them care that deeply back for me. I consider Marco more than a friend, he’s a brother. That’s that. Monkey is possibly the best straight guy friend out there. Sure, I could talk to a girl about my boy problems (when I still had them, or had more of them) but why? I could talk to a perfectly sensible man about them, and he understands me very well. The Mouth and Guts are simply the funnest people ever. I think I wasted a lot of good opportunities to hang out with Guts. I wish I had. I miss them SO much.

*sighs* I think I miss how I could just pick up the phone and talk to them. Now it’s long distance on a phone that isn’t really mine, so I don’t want to run up the bill. I miss Friendjamin, who I don’t have any way of contacting.

I miss Red. We didn’t get to hang out much after she went off to college, and I think we both changed a lot too… I don’t know.

But I look back, as it is good to occasionally, and I don’t have many regrets. I regret Dating before i was 16. That was just a mistake. I regret spending so much time with J. He was so destructive to my self esteem, and Scott’s still working on repairing it. I regret letting my therapist manage my medication. She was wicked with boosting me to unknown heights. I mean she was good. Made me better, just by talking. THe meds were driving me insane….

literally.

Lets see. after recovering from my break up with Monkey, I was lonely. So I got what could be best described as a desposible boyfriend. I regret that in a way. I think it was a growing experience. I think it had it’s value as a relationship. It’ll help me when my daughter has to learn how to break up with someone. I’ll at least know how to do it sometimes… heh.

That boy would have married me if I hadn’t told him that I wasn’t interested. I was lonely. Makes me feel bad. in a way anyway…. Better than leading him on for years. RIght? It was sad. I have to admit i dated him only beacause I was lonely.

Very lonely.

Not so now!

I love that. I love the fact that as i’m writing this, I have a husband, and he’s at work, and he’ll be at home in four hours, and he loves me.

Do you know how insane that is?

That he loves me? I’m freaking boggled at the thought.

Derringer Meryl [Everywhere and No where] Out

If someone knows a good place online where I can find Accidentally in Love By the Counting Crows, I’d be much obliged to have it. 😀

I like that song a bunch. hee.

Derringer Meryl [Can’t Do it For Myself] Out

Okay, i’ve been making my list for the Open house. It’s of songs that i’d like to be played. 😀 I’m sorta getting stuck, though I was on a roll last night. If you can think of a wedding song (not traditional romantic sap, we like alternative romantic sap, thank you very much) I’ll leave the the list of the songs I have on a list right now, please leave comments if you can think of more songs. I know The Specialist might have a few in mind… right?

Here without you- 3 doors down

Closer to you – Wallflowers

I love you – Sarah McLaughlin

Angel- Sarha Mclaughlin

Why don’t you and i – Santana and Chad Kroeger

i’ll be – Edwin McCain

Embracable You – Gershwin

So Far Away – Staind

One True Love – Semisonic

Heart and Soul – Misc Artists

Eyes On Me – Faye Wong

Can’t take my eyes off of you – Various Artists

Derringer Meryl [I need a shower] Out