Undone

Right– so I have choices to make, and a very limited amount of time to make them in.

I could stay home for the possibility of hanging out with Monkey, and some Buffy-age

-OR-

I could go out with my debate friends, eat some Pasta at the crazy spaghetti factory, and just– live my glory days (or what ever you might call them) all over again.

Both sound fun. Both are good for me. Both are social outings in which I could possibly escape my family. Red will be at the dinner, and …. well it sounds like a good idea to go and hang out with her for a while. Maybe I can hang out with Monkey, after? All I know is that I am seriously dilemma-ing.

Blah. *sighs*

I guess I’ll go get free food, and hang with some of the gang (after all, it wouldn’t be fitting if the matriarch didn’t show up to her family dinner)

*sighs* Stupid….. Grr and the Argh.

Derringer Meryl [Pouting too much] out

here must be something wrong, You don’t decide to not go for no reason at all.

And what if I did? What if I decided out of the blue one day to not go to school, just because? Or maybe work? No reason whatsoever, just because. I can do that, despite the ‘rules’ society has set, i can NOT do something if I choose. It’s not a big deal.

Okay, so there’s this barbeque at this one guy’s house this weekend. I was going to go, but then I decided it would probably be more healthy for me if I don’t. I don’t need to be all moony eyed in front of …. *gets angry* someone. Okay, SOMEONE. I’m tired of inflicing pain on myself. I’d much rather have someone else do it to me. That’s what a massochist is, I like the RIGHT kind of pain…

this isn’t it. this is the heart-wrenching-eternal-damnation-type-torment….. yeah, so i’m a little crazy, but that’s why my theme song is unwell by Matchbox20. I’m Unwell. That’s my singles (online) name. uNw3ll. Yeah, I’m sorta out there, but you wanna know what–

I’m out there, because I can’t stand living in here. *shrugs*

so I”m not going. I’m not perky (and I swear to God if you want to know the thing that pisses me off the most is being called perky!!) and I never have been. and despite my massochistic tendencies– I am not allowing cetain people to cause me to inflict more moony-eyed moron pain on myself. *sighs*

I know, I’m a freak. I over think things… Marcus wonders why my head hasn’t exploded yet– I think it would be the fact that I take more anti-depressant medication than any other teenager I know. Maybe that’s what keeps me from randomly killing my co-workers who can’t keep a bathroom clean or throw things away, OR dump their drinks.

That and Red. I’m sad. She’s leavin’ on a jet plane to D.C. tomorrow, and I won’t see her for like…. *thinks* five whole days! Kay, Red and I …. that’s the wrong way to start it. I’m friggin’ attatched to Red like a chicken is attatched to it’s feathers. I’m lonely and grumpy when she isn’t here. *sighs* dont’ tell– she doesn’t know. *laughs* okay, so she does.

She’s my best friend, and then… she’s going away to college.

That’s a scary topic. What am I going to do about college. I want to …. I want to go, part of me wants to learn and grow and be challenged– and another part of me wants to rest, desperately wants to rest. I don’t know why I … I should go. That is a statement. I, Derringer Meryl, should go to college.

but where, and why, and for how long??

Derringer Meryl [Complicated] Out

So I tried to enter my diary like five times last night, and NADA. Blah. So I can’t even afford $2.50 a month, sue me. I can’t complain too much cause it’s free–

and it keeps my brain attached to the rest of my body.

Moving on to what really enrages me today.

So my boss (or MR. Fuckeduppowerfreak as I like to call him) moved the Assistant manager to another store, because they had a disagreement. Not to mention he’s moving one of his cronies in. I’m sorry, it looks a little incriminating when you move your little pal in and the assistant manager that everyone likes OUT.

Let me explain to YOU what no one else seems to understand. (and sorry to Marcus, cause i’m using his name instead of some little pseudonym because I’m too tired and damn lazy to figure one out.) Marcus is the listening guy, the guy who says “Yeah I understand that, it’s really not very fair.” Not to mention he’s the one I tell everything to. He doesn’t act like he’s all superior to me, and he thinks I’m a wonderful asset. To my boss, I’m nothing but a glamor cleaning lady. And if by some miracle of God he doesn’t think that, he sure as hell doesn’t show it. In fact we’re really never sure what he’s thinking.

Back to Marcus.

He’s sweet, and he knows what bugs the shit out of me, and doesn’t do it, just because he’s nice like that. He thinks I’m funny and laughs at my really lame jokes. We’ve known each other for nearly two years, we were trained by the same manager, and we know what each other are talking about nearly all the time. He’s my best friend, my confidant, and my boss took that away.

God, do they even think about anything before they do it?

Derringer Meryl [Unsure of Dreams] Out