Undone

here i am, eating m&m’s in my basement apartment type thing, alone (again) waiting for it to be time to go to work. I’ll probably end up watching some live action GTO (i heard it’s better than the anime) which is my newwest addiction. I”ve been bittorrent crazy lately.

I’ve finished off Haibane Renmai (something i’ve been wanting to see since it was released in america.) and could start on Witch Hunter Robin, but I’m lazy and so I don’t want to read the subtitles quite yet. 🙂

Apparently GTO (Great Teacher Onizuka) is a rather long (about fourty episodes) anime. Which I think is cool. It goes in arcs of three for each student he helps. Cool eh?

I hope he gets the girl. That other guy is creepy with his stalker kinds of ways. Creep.

Scott and I have saved our pennies this week so we can go to Chilis tonight. IT’s for our one month anniversary (which technically was last week, but we was poor…. not that we aren’t now, we were just more poor then) I’m excited for the southwestern egg rolls. Those things are like freaking ambrosia. Seriously. I could eat them for the rest of my life and be so very happy. (With a side of M&Ms of course)

I’m a chocolate fiend. I should take some asprin to work– since everyone there seems to get headaches and we have no medicine there to kill the pain with.

Derringer Meryl [Gonna watch me some GTO] Out

I have been carelessly flipping through the want ads reading each one, checking off the ones I like.

And I’ve been listening to the new Avril CD while I’ve been doing that, and honestly I”ve decided that some regular words are worse than cuss words. Like Shit. That word means nothing to me. It’s poo. whoopdidoo. I don’t care.

The word broken brings me to my knees though. (Isn’t it odd that my page says broken but still good on it?) I hate that word. It makes my stomach churn. Makes me want to die inside.

Reminds me of another time. I think my disconcern now, my distress and deflatedness is me trying to mesh my life with Scott’s as best as I can, and I just get tired of it sometimes, and I just break down sometimes. That other time. I remember rolling over in bed at night and repeating to myself that I was broken and that no one wanted me. That’s why everyone left me eventually. Honestly i realize that everyone has to leave sooner or later, physically. I couldn’t keep the Specialist, and Wudan around forever. I couldnt’ keep things the way they were before. (I realize now that change can be good, because they left I became WAY close with Dax, which I think ROCKS. I always wanted to be really close with at least one of my sibs.) I just …

I told myself that all the time. Scott said something the other day that sent me over the edge of my momentary sanity … I dont’ think I”ll really devulge it, for privacy’s sake, but …. honestly– i wanted to scream. It was so– it reminded of me back then. Rolling around in my bed saying I was broken. Crying myself to bed, because no one wanted me.

Everyone has their little secrets they keep– (No, I don’t light the fires while the city sleeps)

Mine was (still is sometimes) that my brain likes to make me believe that i’m dirt. I think a lot at that point it’s satan. I can’t say for sure, Honestly I don’t think it’s a satanic presence, but — whatever. Chemicals–

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Better] Out

I feel stressed. Very very stressed. I need a good job. I need a great job. I need a brain numbingly good job.

I think i’m getting worse– just wanting to stay with Scott and Scott only. I’m getting obscenely rude and moody.

I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know how i feel. Except angry. Very angry.

*sighs*

Derringer Meryl [Tired] Out

Interview update.

I went for my interview around 3:00 today, i think it went rather well. I was just running some numbers through my head… and I realized if I got this job, I’d be making $720 (before taxes) every two weeks. That’s freaking bank. I”m sorry. I”m used to a very VERY piddly amount every week (see about a hundred or so) If I can work both my jobs (I’m hoping it’s a reality) that means Every month I’d be making $1440 from one job and $400 (ish) from another for a grand total of $1840 from me every month to go toward bills and rent. WAHOO.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love Scott’s family. I love spending time with his siblings, they’re absolute fun and a half. seriously. Scott loves spending time with them too. I just need out of this basement, and into a place of our own.

I really hope i get this job!

But since I seem to be a bad luck charm …. (Heh.) I think i’m gonna go look through the want ads anyway, because I’ve only had a job work out on the first try once, and I’m still there for a reason.

Derringer Meryl [GS lovins] Out

whooo!

For a while now, i haven’t been feeling the best ever. at first it was just this insane pain in my ear. (Not exactly an ear ache, more like an ear stabbing, IMO) That got really bad, then eased off. I was SO happy it went away.

Unfortunately it’s been replaced by my new friend, Vertigo. Sucktastic. At first it was just feeling like I was going to fall over occasionally. That’s okay, I feel like that a lot of the time. It’s progressively gotten worse. I fell into our door (Scott and I’s) yesterday (Luckily it was closed and I didn’t fall onto the stairs. I stood up off the couch yesterday too, and fell back down. Same when I woke up this morning… several times I couldn’t get up and stay standing. I was sitting at Church and the room span whenever i moved my head. Still does, as i’m writing this, SCott is talking to me, and I can’t hear him for anything… and the room causes my head to swim at every turn.

Whee.

If anyone (I’m looking at Antigone, who knows tons about the human body and it’s ins and outs.) knows what the crap is going on with my body– let me know. I’m starting to get angry with it.

Derringer Meryl [You taunt me with the feelings] out