Undone

It occurs to me– (in all reality I was talking to Scott about this last night) that neither of our siblings (for the most part on my side, Dax’ll be there) will be able to attend our wedding.

Now, his sibs are all young and tender, and not endowed. So we’re both okay with that. Most of my siblings are… (Cept Wudan and Sukie) and I’m not writing about this to rag on anyone for their own personal choices. They do what’s good to them. *shrugs*

I just really always imagined everyone being there. The whole gang, ya know? I’m not gonna wait, or put off my date or anything for them, because it was their choice to not be able to come. I try not to make a big deal about no one being able to come, because I don’t want anyone to feel like I hate them for not being able to come. It doesn’t make me happy, but … It’s not about me. *shrugs* I’m a big enough girl to understand that Johnny Golucky doesn’t think “I better not do that, Cause Meryl might get upset.” I know it’s not about me. I mostly kept quiet on the topic because I don’t see my sibs a lot. Sometimes only once a month, sometimes less. I don’t want to ruin my one weekend (or whatever) I see my siblings by upsetting them.

Cause above all, I just want them to be happy.

I have a point. it’s simple. I love my sibs. I love them if they can’t come, and i wouldn’t love them any more if they could. My day would have just been extra special then. 🙂

Anyway. I have to work on homework. I have a ton and a half of it to do. 😛 I just thought i’d speak out on the subject. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, with the wedding drawing closer and all.

Derringer Meryl [Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, it’s off to homework we go…] Out

Okay, I heard this song while going down to D&D this weekend with Scott. It rocks. I love it. Seriously one of my new favorites. And besides all that I haven’t had a lyric spew in a long time.

Barenaked Ladies, Go Home

Well let me tell you if you’re feeling alone,

Instead of whining and moaning,

Just get on the phone, tell her you’re coming home

If you need, you should be there

If you scream in your sleep, or collapse in a heap

And spontaneously weep, then you know you’re in deep

If you need her, you should be there

Go Home

There’s nothing better than affairs of the heart

To make you feel so good then tear you apart

Make up your mind and stick it out or start again

You can’t imagine what an effort it takes

When you make a mistake

And you know in the wake that a heart’s going to break

If you need her, you should be there

If you’re flummoxed and flushed

And your heartbeat is rushed

Then get out of the slush, tell your dog team to mush

If you need her, you should be there

Go Home

If you think of her as Joan of Arc

She’s burning for you, get your car out of park

If you think of her as Catherine the Great

Then you should be the horse to help her meet her fate

If you need her, you should be there,

Go Home

You can’t believe it, but it’s true

She’s given everything to you

Now take a moment to be sure

Before you give it all to her

Well now you’re thinking that it’s over at last,

All your woes in the past

But you’ve got to be fast; put your foot on the gas

If you need her, you should be there

so now you’re out from under the gun

And it’s over and done

I won’t spoil all the fun but if you ever wonder

She’ll be there if you need her

Go Home

If you’re lucky to be one of the few

To find somebody who can tolerate you

Then I shouldn’t have to tell you again

Just pack your bags and get yourself on a plane

If you need her, you should be there

Go Home

If you need her, you should be there

Go Home

Derringer Meryl [Going Home For now] Out

Hello! Sorry about the lack of updates– i’ve been– school-ing. I’m actually at school right now, attempting to get what america calls “A quality education”

yeah

I believe that.

anyway. it’s just getting hecktic. Quite crazy in fact. Wedding plans and what not. They weigh on my mind a lot, and how i tend to lose my mind when Scott’s around, nothing much gets done… because I’m just thinking about how much I love him, and it can’t possibly be … fifty-something days left. (I don’t think it’s fifty seven…)

I’m just ready to be married. If I were endowed to go to the temple, eloping would appear more and more favorable. *nods* But– whatever, I can deal. 😉 I have faith in my ability to withstand.

and I have even more faith in the fact that God isn’t that cruel…

Meanwhile– I have a piano player who won’t return my phone calls (his cell is out of service and he hasn’t returned the message I left at his house.) One cake, for two receptions (I guess?) Bridesmaid dresses that I really should be more involved in, a ring to buy, homework piling up and my hair (I’m so kidding here) is falling out. (It just sounded like some kind of irony… doesn’t it?)

On the plus side, i haven’t bitten my nails in a long time. They’re getting stronger too. More ouchies though– I’ve been getting bruises in odd places. I’m beginning to think i beat myself up in my sleep.

I’m trying to be as useful as possible, but something tells me that there is something else I could do to be more productive. I have an essay to write. A quiz to study for (tomorrow night) and I’m starting to go insane. Okay, not starting, i’m already there and back again (honestly!)

My only source of humor (besides Scott, cause he’s pretty dang funny) is the fact that Leonard Nimoy really did sing a song called “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”

I could laugh for hours. or be horrified for hours. Either way. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [He fought with … a piano player] Out

Impending doom. I know what that feels like. i have this sick horrible feeling settled into my stomach telling me that everything I touch or I’m involved in breaks. I’m a ruiner. I ruin things for others.

I’m petrified of getting married. it’s not that I don’t love Scott, because I do. He’s wonderful, and about fifteen million other similar adjectives…. but I’m still scared. I’m scared of becoming like other married couples who aren’t happy. I’m scared of becoming like my parents.

I’m scared that Scott will be like my dad. (at this moment I’m shaking rather violently, excuse any spelling mistakes) My dad never was very much involved in my life (until now) and …. that sorta makes me angry. He always said it was my mom’s job to be involved with my school stuff. He never went to one parent teacher confrence, and like two of my choral recitals…. he went to a play I did once– mom was always so much more vigilant. Dad seemed out of the loop.

I guess something Scott said yesterday just scared me. He said that i’d be in charge of nurturing the kids.

I don’tknow. That just sorta brought my dad to mind. Maybe I’m out of line–but… All i know is that this horrible feeling in my stomach just won’t go away.

Derringer Meryl [Didn’t want to say that] Out

I love this week. Scott isn’t closing at work (hurrah!) so we get to spend a lot more time together. Tonight we went with Scott’s best friend ever to give his fiancee her ring (it was being sized) and we got to chat for a little while to her roommates. (I’m having a difficult time thinking up names for them. Simply because the name “Red” is forever and always taken, so I have to think of a slightly more brilliant name. (or more original?))

Anyway, we went bowling after that– I lost horribly. I’m bad at it, besides the fact that i’m growing my nails out and the ball broke my thumb nail (grrr!) It was still a fun time to be had. 🙂 I enjoy going out and doing things a lot more than I used to. I’m still not very talky– but I think that is very much my own fault. We cheered each other on, Scott and I sang along to “American Pie” … i think he’s got a pretty good voice. Maybe we could be a husband wife duo like “The White Stripes” (Who I’m fairly sure are a Husband/Wife Duo) While we played, Scott and I cuddled after our frames (which you may find sickening, but if you saw what they were doing– you’d be much more comfortable with the cuddles)

*sighs* Not to say that I don’t like them– but I’m certainly hoping they get over this kissy make out phase soon. I’m sure they’re both wonderful people to converse with when they aren’t attached to one another’s faces. (Is that rude? I guess I’m pretty blunt) Moving on….

So we took her back to her house first, and it took them a while to say good bye, but Scott and I Understood it full well how it felt. Still it seemed like it crunched in on our goodbye time…. *sighs* I do miss Scott a lot of the time. I’m glad he doesn’t see me when he’s not around. I’m a grouchy mean person (quite contrary to what I want to be… considering my catch phrase is “be nice!”) I have a shorter fuse and I get frustrated with noises. It’s like being on concerta again. (Which instead of making me focus on one thing, made me focus on everything!) it’s a little wacky and zany…. I’m okay when he’s away (ie, I’m still breathing and existing and what not) but I really do miss him.

I try not to worry about all the things I have buzzing inside of my brain that i wish I could tell him. About how lucky I am to have found HIM. He’s constantly telling me how lucky he was to have found me– but… I could not be more lucky than I am. I figure that it’s all that pent up Karma finally coming back to me. (thank goodniess) and it’s surely payment for that one time I stood up for a girl in class, and then she picked on me too. 😛 I wish I could tell him all the things I think and how great he really is to me. Even in the written word the vocabulary for the supreme greatness evades me. (Grammar starts to go wonkey too) I love everything about him. *sighs* It’s so perfect.

Derringer Meryl [Falling in Love Again] Out