Undone

I worked at Gert’s roommate’s store tonight. It was nice to be able to clean his store up– and help him out a little. He’s a really nice guy– and very friendly… I really must think him up a code-name *smirks* I have it. I’ll call him Dateless. Everyone teases him about not having a date in quite a while, but all in all, i think it’s because the girls here are waiting for some dashing prince charming, who just isn’t going to come– and are simply missing the warm, funny, polite, kind and gentle guys around them.

Trust me– You don’t get everything you want in a mate, you give and you take on somethings, just stick it out on the important ones. That’s all i know, that’s all the wisdom i have to impart.

But there i am, working at Dateless’ store, and i was thinking that I could get used to it there. Not that I don’t love working at Gert’s store, he’s absolutely wonderful– which is mainly why I don’t want to work with him any more… because it’s unprofessional to date those you work with, I know that. Shit. I feel bad for dating monkey while we worked together– it was a bad idea… *sad eyes* i’m not going to focus on that right now-

anyway– the store is fairly easy to keep up, and i could date Gert (if i so chose) and i’d be away from Monkey … i’d still be in the company… though i’d be away from Artemis. that makes me sad, i do greatly admire her, and love to talk with her. Friendjamin is moving away, so either way, he’s going to be gone. I’d have to work with one pompous Animeboi. He annoys me …. probably because he turns me on so much. Which is icky, because he’s smarmy and ew, and… EW. really. he’s ew.

Why does it sound like i’m trying to convince myself? *shrugs*

anyway, I think i’ve caught myself an illness, so i’m going to go sleep, at a semi-reasonable hour.

Derringer Meryl [living the only way i know how] Out

justabout to leave for work–

but i thought it was worth mentioning, because of my obsession, that Dido’s new CD is out today. Go buy it. She deserves to be rich. I said so.

Do you ever have those moments that are frozen in time? Just like, you’ll remember what happened for the rest of your life. The way you felt, what they were wearing, where you were at…

Like I can remember the moments i met two of my best friends. I remember in First Grade, Meeting my friend Lynn. and I remember one of the first things i said to Red, ever. She was wearing her tango (it has dragons) skirt to school, and i told her I thought it was cute, and I really liked it. I remember that she was sitting three desks behind me in my third period Math Class. She had black tights (nylons, whatever) on, and a maroon-ish red top on. She had been kissing with her boyfriend from the time before class had started. He always seemed to walk her to class…..

But that’s not the moment that’s been plaguing my dreams. No, the moment i remember wasn’t really special. It wasn’t a first like those were… it was just a regular moment. I remember I was laying my head on Monkey’s shoulder, and he brushed some of my hair back and tucked it behind my ear.

And life is full of I really should have moments. I really should have kissed him then. I really should have never mentioned him around my family. I really should have —

just been a better person overall.

*mutters* Sorry. I’ve been reading romance fiction, what they like to call “The Blanket Scenario” One blanket, two or more characters, and one of them has to have hypothermia. Honestly, it leaves a lot of opportunities. Think about it. One night with the one person you wish you could say “I Love you” to, a blanket, and they have hypothermia (which means you’re going to have to get them very nekkid. heh.) Some of the stories are really touching.

The human mind is filled with “I want to but … i just can’t.” Sometimes that reaction is good. “I really want to date him, but i can tell he’s bad news, so i can’t (or shouldn’t).” and other times, it’s just us being paranoid, and rationalizing our fears. “I really want to tell Tim that i love him, but…. i just can’t.” No reasons. No viable reasons, except it hurts. It hurts to say “I Love You.” It’s scary. Hell It’s scary in a romantic relationship to say “I really LIke you.” We’re all just too afraid of rejection.

I’m not really. I’ve done the rejection scene. Hell, if this was monopoly, i’d own a crack house (ya know, the hotels, we call them crack houses) or two on “Rejection Boulvard.”

Yeah. I have a bit of a monopoly on that, don’t I?? Yeah so… I’m not really afraid of that. I’m afraid of the awkward of the non-returning of the emotion. Not many people love me as much as i do them (just ask James Marsters, Orlando Bloom, and Hugh Jackman…. actually since it involves me, i thinkyou have to go through their lawyers… 🙂 ) Seriously though, the only person who dotes on me emotionally, as much as i mean to do them, is Red (Love ya kitten!) and while yes, I love her (in a completely heterosexual way) I long for the love of a man– or a guy. shit. i’m ready. Really. Honest.

Meh. Not like any guys who aren’t fourty-seven and want a cheap date and easy sex are looking for a girl… Of course there are younger guys looking, but they aren’t even looking for a date… just sex, free or cheap. Either way. Most settle for…. *smirks* never mind.

Lyric Spew, Dido, Here With Me

I didn’t hear you leave

I wonder how am I still here

And I don’t want to move a thing

It might change my memory

Oh I am what I am

I’ll do what I want

But I can’t hide

I won’t go

I won’t sleep

I can’t breathe

Until you’re resting here with me

I won’t leave

I can’t hide

I cannot be

Until you’re resting here with me

I don’t want to call my friends

They might wake me from this dream

And I can’t leave this bed

Risk forgetting all that’s been

I regret ever calling out to anyone. If i could only go back to that heavenly dream– so many mistakes i’ve made… so much that i wish… i wish i could take back. instead– i press forward, with only the nightmares of what could have been to haunt me. And each night i pray for better dreams. For no dreams. And God won’t grant me rest from my torment. my penance. for what i did. i loved. i should know. i should know by now. that i can’t– that i wasn’t meant to. and then i tried. and i don’t blame you. i don’t blame God. I blame myself. for reaching towards heaven. too high. you think i’d learn — oh icarus.

you’re my brother in spirit now, icarus.

Derringer Meryl [drama queen] out

new diet we started (my mom and i) …. well we’ll start it tomorrow…. it’s the special k diet. All I get to have is two bowls of special k and then dinner. that’s it. *frowns* eh.

i’m getting some anime, which is better than anything else. I’m getting the first volume of DN Angel (wahoo!) and Cowboy Bebop, all courtesy of friendjamin Thank goodness. it shouldnt cost too much, and it’ll make me happier than a case of Ben and Jerry’s.

I was watching the new show on NBC Called Miss Match it’s really rather cute. it’s got Alicia Silverstone (whom i adore, she’s just so … petite, and cute.) and my mom and i were talking about the show Friends and how Ross is upset that Rachel and Joey are all kissy and what not. My mom was confused. “Why should he care, isn’t he dating someone else?” I nodded, and said “Yeah, but he still has feelings for her.” She snorts and says “Not enough to marry her obviously.” and I say, the most profound thing i’ve ever said… i’m fairly sure i heard it from someone else. … anyway I say

“Sometimes love isn’t enough to keep a relationship together.”

now, i can’t help but wonder where the hell that came from…. part of me wonders, and another part of me knows exactly it came from. Precisely……

i need to go on a date. I need to get out. *sighs* Right Red? Too bad i need to get another job before i can date who i … want to? I don’t know. My mind… it’s better if i dont’ think about what i want to do.

Derringer Meryl [trapped inside this little world of mine] out