Undone

I got my pancakes today.

I’m not sure whether to laugh– or cry…. or…. just curl up in a ball and die.

I think the ball and die one.

I’m not handling school well. The classes are over flowing….. and the students are… horrible. I can’t handle it any more. I think I have to do something.

And all I know is it’s either them or me.

With all my heart I hope it’s me. *blinks*

I’m a little miserable at the moment. Please… understand.

Derringer Meryl [I am the thing I hate] Out

I hope this works, Diaryland has been having problems the past few days.

Anyway, i directly gave HIM my diaryland addy. As in I stood before him, and wrote it, and told him to read it all. As in all of it. Every thing.

So here I am once again ready to write him a little note in case he comes along, even though he says he hasn’t been on the net for a while, I sorta hope he comes on tonight and reads this.

Dear “you”-

I could make this all flowery and stuff, but that wouldn’t really be my style for writing, not really anyway. In any case I just thought you should know that secret I’ve been keeping for a while, the one I’d never tell you, because I was working with you, remember?

Well Since I’m working technically with you anymore, I thought you ought to know…..

THat I really really like you. Your smile, and your quirky way of talking, everything. It’s perfectly you. You’re not perfect, but everything that makes you, you, is.

Does that make sense? You’re nice to people, even when you don’t have to be, and I”m not used to that. Doesn’t always make sense to me.

I really hope you read more of this, It’s hard to explain this to you, really.

I’m sure you’ve already figured it out….. cause you’re a smart guy, and that’s another reason I like you. Cause you’re smart and witty…. and just…. so you. You’re comfortable with yourself, and I admire that about you.

*sighs*

Anyway. I’m sure you can find my email on here, almost positive, I’ll leave these lyrics from Dangerous by Ghost of the Robot with you.

I don’t think you know my name

I think you’d leave me standing in the rain

Pretty little [boy] girl, got a thing for me

But you’d cut me open and let me bleed

But I’m lookin’ at you

With your long brown hair

Pretty little feet

Sparkling everywhere

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

Dangerous

Dangerous

And you don’t even know it

One baby, two, maybe three more years

Be a full hot baby, have all your curves

In a little taste of irony:

You’ll be a too hot baby, too good for me

But I’ll be looking at you

With your long brown hair

Pretty little feet

Sparkling everywhere

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

Dangerous

Dangerous

And you don’t even know it

So little baby, you better stay set

Play with fire when you get too wet

Set me down and leave me be

Find the devil when you unchain me

But I’ll be looking at you

With your long brown hair

Pretty little feet

Sparkling everywhere

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

Dangerous

Dangerous

And you don’t even know it

Derringer Meryl [You’re dangerous for me] Out

Can I say I happen to love Wyclef Jean?

Uh, my name is Hope, yo

I was blessed with the body of the Goddesses

Have you any idea how hard this is?

I could flex in 25 positions

But I only work here to pay my tuition

Yo, tantalizing teaser

Table-top pleaser

Give me what I need a

Mastercard a Visa

Lap dance fantasy

[Perfect Gentleman]

So I already did my last day at work. You’ll have to get used to my new list of names, or did I ever mention their names. Well I have a new boss, and mostly new co-workers.

A friend of mine brought me brownies, It was really nice of him to do. Since I really like chocolate, and it was super nice.

Yesterday was my old boss’ birthday so I wanted to make him a cake…. but since my mom was out most of the day, I didn’t get to.

I’m taking it to him tomorrow.

🙁 And then i talked to HIM today, momentarily. I had to call and see if my old boss was working tomorrow, and I talked to him just about stuff. I think that’s what I”m going to miss the most about him, talking to him. Why? I can tell you he makes me feel a special way, not like something nasty or whatever, but it was like, he was really listening. . . . even when he was just joking with me. . . . I felt like it mattered to him.

I wonder to myself if it did.

Probably not. But wondering wont’ hurt me.

I decided that I won’t live with regret when it comes to HIM. That doesn’t mean I’ll tell him, it means I won’t regret not telling him.

Makes sense. I can’t help but want him to know, but I’ll never tell

[insert creepy voice] I’ll never tell [end creepy voice]

Anyway- I’m outtie.

Derringer Meryl [Ten grand lemmie see you shake your body] Out

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

[Dangerous by Ghost of the Robot]

What can I say, today was my technical last day at work. I should be able to say what I want to anyone at work, if i really wanted to .

But I’m not. Because:

You look so good

When you come my way

But I have to look down

When you talk to me

‘Cause you’re dangerous

Dangerous

Dangerous

And you don’t even know it

He doesn’t know me, he doesn’t see me, and that’s okay. I don’t need another heart ache, heart break. I should just be cold, and I can. I can’t ignore my feelings, but I can ignore him. He knows, I know he does.

But I can’t. I just can’t. I’m not good enough. I’m just… falling to pieces. SO there. I shouldn’t be in a relationship. I’m scary. I don’t like what I become when I get into a relationship, so I’ll just hide.

it’s okay.

Till later

Derringer Meryl [But I’ll be looking at you With your long brown hair] Out

This is not political, it’s just that I, I

Demand attention when I walk into the room

And it’s not that I can’t play ball hard, it’s just that I don’t want to

And the more I think about this pressure love, I don’t want you

And I can’t have you, and that’s what hurts the most

I cannot show you these things I boast

Throw my heart out, keep my head up, I cannot fuck up cuz

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only cause you pain, yeah (I promise that)

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only bring on the rain, yeah yeah

So I’ll prefer to run this road rough around the edges

Good for something but too good to give it to you

You run your own course at your own pace but I just got impatient

See, I wanted to explore

Forsake you, forsook you, abate you, dissipate you

So turn fate around, I believed that I was free of you (not)

I still believe in those days on benches at sunset or the waves in July

Or was it March

We weathered weathers and storms real and imagined, such fragile tenderness

You are truly blessed

I stress this as I blow you this kiss as I blow it in the wind, mwah

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only cause you pain, yeah (I promise that)

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only bring on the rain

Chuva, chuvinhao

Venh, venh ca, rapaz

Gonna make you cry

So damn hard

You’re gonna curse your drawers and wish you weren’t a boy

Gonna make you cry

So damn hard

You’re gonna curse your drawers and wish you weren’t a boy

I will make you cry

I will make you cry

(Boohoo)

They say time is made of memories

Well I remembered and I’m tired

This is not political

It’s just that I remember the fire

Babe you left me with my head held high

And I feigned to be more than I was, didn’t I

I thought I could do without sugar love

But this chocolate has turned into sweet bubble gum

Candy is sweet but honey is sweeter

It tastes like the real thing but candy is much much cheaper (cheaper)

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only cause you pain, yeah (I promise that)

I, I got what you need boy (baby I do)

But I will only bring on the rain

(Rain a’fallin’ down, rain a’fallin’ down, hahahaha)

(Rain a’fallin’ down, rain a’fallin’ down, hahahaha)

(Rain a’fallin’ down, rain a’fallin’ down, hahahaha)

Time crying

You’ll be crying

I’m sorry I made you cry

I didn’t mean to

Let me wipe those tears away

Wipe those tears away

Don’t cry baby

It’s only rain

[Nelly Furtado: I Will Make You Cry]

Derringer Meryl [I got what you need Boy] Out