Undone

So I have my AP tests tomorrow. I’m sure everyone who cares, is in …. antartica, but whatever.

I’m a little stressed, very VERY VERY unsure of myself. I’m scared. I can’t find ANY Tai Chi info on the net. *sighs* I need some help– and right now, I’d embrace my tiger, but I’m pretty sure it’s hiding from the AP tests too.

Last year I was nervous, admittedly, but my teacher believed in me. She said “You can do it!” and I believed her… and I did do it! I was so happy–

This year, I don’t feel that way, my teacher hardly ever tells us that she KNOWS we can do it. Her statements are… well shady and I’m not very sure of what i’m doing, or how i”m going to do it.

But I have to try. The $156 I paid to take it screams at me that i have to try. And I’m scared. Really Really scared.

And Now, I’m going to go watch Animal Farm, and Hope I learn something new. *sighs deeply* I can do it.

Right?

Derringer Meryl [Looking for Her Tiger] Out

So I tried to enter my diary like five times last night, and NADA. Blah. So I can’t even afford $2.50 a month, sue me. I can’t complain too much cause it’s free–

and it keeps my brain attached to the rest of my body.

Moving on to what really enrages me today.

So my boss (or MR. Fuckeduppowerfreak as I like to call him) moved the Assistant manager to another store, because they had a disagreement. Not to mention he’s moving one of his cronies in. I’m sorry, it looks a little incriminating when you move your little pal in and the assistant manager that everyone likes OUT.

Let me explain to YOU what no one else seems to understand. (and sorry to Marcus, cause i’m using his name instead of some little pseudonym because I’m too tired and damn lazy to figure one out.) Marcus is the listening guy, the guy who says “Yeah I understand that, it’s really not very fair.” Not to mention he’s the one I tell everything to. He doesn’t act like he’s all superior to me, and he thinks I’m a wonderful asset. To my boss, I’m nothing but a glamor cleaning lady. And if by some miracle of God he doesn’t think that, he sure as hell doesn’t show it. In fact we’re really never sure what he’s thinking.

Back to Marcus.

He’s sweet, and he knows what bugs the shit out of me, and doesn’t do it, just because he’s nice like that. He thinks I’m funny and laughs at my really lame jokes. We’ve known each other for nearly two years, we were trained by the same manager, and we know what each other are talking about nearly all the time. He’s my best friend, my confidant, and my boss took that away.

God, do they even think about anything before they do it?

Derringer Meryl [Unsure of Dreams] Out

Back to school.

The three words that drive fear into the heart of any senior. That includes me. I hate it there, and it hates me there, so I think we’d all just be MUCH happier if I didn’t have to go. Blah. It’s not like the councilors listen or do much anyway. In fact, I”m not really sure what they’re doing anyway. I mean I tell them that the kids at school make me feel a little…. what’s the word….

PSYCHOTIC

but it’s like Columbine never happened. They don’t listen to me, and I could tell them till I’m blue in the face. God. I tell my therapist too, and it’s like something I”m supposed to deal with. Yes, I should just deal with ON MY OWN a debilitating anger management problem. Because so far, I’m doing SO well. It’s like– They don’t even hear the words I”m saying. Like the things I’m saying aren’t clear. I guess that makes sense, because i don’t understand completely either. It seems fairly simple.

I get angry around people.

I am forced to be around LOTS of people

I get REALLY angry.

Now what? You’re just going to leave me there to destroy the unsuspecting masses? God I love the school districts here. It’s like they’re praying for someone to come a long and kill all of the little sponge cakes off. They ask for it, pray for it, something to ease the economic PAIN they THINK they’re in.

Deluded Bastards. Don’t know anything.

I guess everyone will be a little more than surprised when my basket breaks. I told them and told them I was a screw loose. Fair warning. So much for them listening.

Derringer Meryl [Lucky I don’t own a gun] Out

Okay, so I’m the queen of oddity, I know that.

But over the past few days I’ve been thinking, a lot, about the human mind. The balance we all have inside of good and evil, passion and romance, love and apathy. All of these things balance inside of us, and too much of one or the other can make us—

inhuman.

unhuman. whatever, I don’t know. But you aren’t feeling or living or anything like that if you’re experiencing too much of one thing. Balance. Man did the chinese or who ever thought of balance have it right!

Too much passion and you spoil it. The relationship, the experience, anything. Too much passion and love becomes hate. Too much romance keys you towards an unfulfilled desire. it’s really– interesting how the human mind works. How we don’t completely understand even though our existence has been long and — slow. We are some of the slowest things on this earth. We learn very little. Even the smartest person on this earth could not tell me why people do what they do.

You are not truly intelligent unless you know the workings of the human mind.

I know it seems like crap, and total…. well BS and what not…. but think about it. We know nothing or next to it, about the human psyche. How we live and move and have personality. Where does that all go after we die? I mean I know, and I only do because I’ve searched for it…. but scientifically no one can prove it. They won’t know. They don’t have balance. HA!

Guys are always wondering what girls want from relationships. Honestly I can answer that question without a moments pause.

We have NO clue whatsoever what we want. Good luck guessing, because we are too. We want an amazing lover, who is gentle, romantic, passionate, and kind. We want a just man, a quiet man, a handsome man, a pious man….. blah blah blah! I could go on forever, but it’s a matter of fact that each girl not only wants something different, it is also a possibility that she is conflicted in what she wants from a guy.

I know I am. Romance and Passion are conflicting attributes. So there. *shrugs* I don’t know what i want, but I do know there is someone out there for me.

Derringer Meryl [Someday I’ll find a door that opens, it’s called faith, look it up] Out