Undone

Do you ever have those moments that are frozen in time? Just like, you’ll remember what happened for the rest of your life. The way you felt, what they were wearing, where you were at…

Like I can remember the moments i met two of my best friends. I remember in First Grade, Meeting my friend Lynn. and I remember one of the first things i said to Red, ever. She was wearing her tango (it has dragons) skirt to school, and i told her I thought it was cute, and I really liked it. I remember that she was sitting three desks behind me in my third period Math Class. She had black tights (nylons, whatever) on, and a maroon-ish red top on. She had been kissing with her boyfriend from the time before class had started. He always seemed to walk her to class…..

But that’s not the moment that’s been plaguing my dreams. No, the moment i remember wasn’t really special. It wasn’t a first like those were… it was just a regular moment. I remember I was laying my head on Monkey’s shoulder, and he brushed some of my hair back and tucked it behind my ear.

And life is full of I really should have moments. I really should have kissed him then. I really should have never mentioned him around my family. I really should have —

just been a better person overall.

*mutters* Sorry. I’ve been reading romance fiction, what they like to call “The Blanket Scenario” One blanket, two or more characters, and one of them has to have hypothermia. Honestly, it leaves a lot of opportunities. Think about it. One night with the one person you wish you could say “I Love you” to, a blanket, and they have hypothermia (which means you’re going to have to get them very nekkid. heh.) Some of the stories are really touching.

The human mind is filled with “I want to but … i just can’t.” Sometimes that reaction is good. “I really want to date him, but i can tell he’s bad news, so i can’t (or shouldn’t).” and other times, it’s just us being paranoid, and rationalizing our fears. “I really want to tell Tim that i love him, but…. i just can’t.” No reasons. No viable reasons, except it hurts. It hurts to say “I Love You.” It’s scary. Hell It’s scary in a romantic relationship to say “I really LIke you.” We’re all just too afraid of rejection.

I’m not really. I’ve done the rejection scene. Hell, if this was monopoly, i’d own a crack house (ya know, the hotels, we call them crack houses) or two on “Rejection Boulvard.”

Yeah. I have a bit of a monopoly on that, don’t I?? Yeah so… I’m not really afraid of that. I’m afraid of the awkward of the non-returning of the emotion. Not many people love me as much as i do them (just ask James Marsters, Orlando Bloom, and Hugh Jackman…. actually since it involves me, i thinkyou have to go through their lawyers… 🙂 ) Seriously though, the only person who dotes on me emotionally, as much as i mean to do them, is Red (Love ya kitten!) and while yes, I love her (in a completely heterosexual way) I long for the love of a man– or a guy. shit. i’m ready. Really. Honest.

Meh. Not like any guys who aren’t fourty-seven and want a cheap date and easy sex are looking for a girl… Of course there are younger guys looking, but they aren’t even looking for a date… just sex, free or cheap. Either way. Most settle for…. *smirks* never mind.

Lyric Spew, Dido, Here With Me

I didn’t hear you leave

I wonder how am I still here

And I don’t want to move a thing

It might change my memory

Oh I am what I am

I’ll do what I want

But I can’t hide

I won’t go

I won’t sleep

I can’t breathe

Until you’re resting here with me

I won’t leave

I can’t hide

I cannot be

Until you’re resting here with me

I don’t want to call my friends

They might wake me from this dream

And I can’t leave this bed

Risk forgetting all that’s been

I regret ever calling out to anyone. If i could only go back to that heavenly dream– so many mistakes i’ve made… so much that i wish… i wish i could take back. instead– i press forward, with only the nightmares of what could have been to haunt me. And each night i pray for better dreams. For no dreams. And God won’t grant me rest from my torment. my penance. for what i did. i loved. i should know. i should know by now. that i can’t– that i wasn’t meant to. and then i tried. and i don’t blame you. i don’t blame God. I blame myself. for reaching towards heaven. too high. you think i’d learn — oh icarus.

you’re my brother in spirit now, icarus.

Derringer Meryl [drama queen] out

Yeah I get that college sucks.

For Red, it sucks for other reasons. For me?

because i’m not really… uh… social without …

without someone to be social with. *shrugs*

I need a buddy. Yeah, I know, I’m a sissy.

Anyway… Missionaries, need some bread made…. so I’m… going to… go finish making it. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [I hate social things] Out

I’m sure you’re all so excited at my frequent updates– I’m sure you’re tickled pink….

me? Oh, right i’m sure you’re wondering what’s possessed me to be a git this time, right?

I’d thought I’d just remind you that:

I’M A FLAMING MORON

The end.

Derringer Meryl [hushed] out