Undone

[Songs Stuck in my head: Brick, Ben Folds Five; Brandy, Looking Glass]

It’s amazing how far you can come in a year. A year ago, I was fighting with Red, in a shaky pretty much one sided relationship (with who I still believe to be a great guy, just not for me.) I recap the depression i went through with that, and I realize that the only people who kept me moving, I haven’t had the chance to talk to in a while.

I do miss them. I miss Marco and Monkey, Guts, Mouth, Artemis, and despite my loathing of him, I miss Gert too.

For the longest time they were all i had. I dont’ understand why I care so deeply about these people, and so few of them care that deeply back for me. I consider Marco more than a friend, he’s a brother. That’s that. Monkey is possibly the best straight guy friend out there. Sure, I could talk to a girl about my boy problems (when I still had them, or had more of them) but why? I could talk to a perfectly sensible man about them, and he understands me very well. The Mouth and Guts are simply the funnest people ever. I think I wasted a lot of good opportunities to hang out with Guts. I wish I had. I miss them SO much.

*sighs* I think I miss how I could just pick up the phone and talk to them. Now it’s long distance on a phone that isn’t really mine, so I don’t want to run up the bill. I miss Friendjamin, who I don’t have any way of contacting.

I miss Red. We didn’t get to hang out much after she went off to college, and I think we both changed a lot too… I don’t know.

But I look back, as it is good to occasionally, and I don’t have many regrets. I regret Dating before i was 16. That was just a mistake. I regret spending so much time with J. He was so destructive to my self esteem, and Scott’s still working on repairing it. I regret letting my therapist manage my medication. She was wicked with boosting me to unknown heights. I mean she was good. Made me better, just by talking. THe meds were driving me insane….

literally.

Lets see. after recovering from my break up with Monkey, I was lonely. So I got what could be best described as a desposible boyfriend. I regret that in a way. I think it was a growing experience. I think it had it’s value as a relationship. It’ll help me when my daughter has to learn how to break up with someone. I’ll at least know how to do it sometimes… heh.

That boy would have married me if I hadn’t told him that I wasn’t interested. I was lonely. Makes me feel bad. in a way anyway…. Better than leading him on for years. RIght? It was sad. I have to admit i dated him only beacause I was lonely.

Very lonely.

Not so now!

I love that. I love the fact that as i’m writing this, I have a husband, and he’s at work, and he’ll be at home in four hours, and he loves me.

Do you know how insane that is?

That he loves me? I’m freaking boggled at the thought.

Derringer Meryl [Everywhere and No where] Out

I was just upstairs soaking my foot, and I was thinking about how I would occasionally whine about being alone. Now… I admit, being alone (emotionally in a romantic way) sucks.

But luckily for me, God’s seen fit to provide me with the most perfect man for me. He’s even dealing well with the fact that i get all grouchy and annoyed when i’m stressed out. I expressed to him tonight my genuine fear of him waking up one morning, rolling over, and seeing me, and thinking “What the heck have I gotten myself into?” Scott says he’ll never think that.

I believe him.

I used to have this nagging feeling at my stomach every night as I’d go to sleep. Alone. I hated it. I hate sleeping by myself. Just the act of sleeping alone in my twin size bed– makes me sad. Excuse me, made me sad. Now, Saturday night, I fell asleep watching Van Helsing with Scott. I never slept better. There’s something about sleeping in close confines with someone who cares about you, that makes sleeping easier for me. I don’t know if it’s a science. I don’t really understand it– but I know it’s an absolutely GREAT feeling. Being in love.

I was talking with the Mouth on Saturday. Erm, I was complaining to the mouth on Saturday about how stressed I am. Was/am, whatever. I’ve been a lot more snappy lately. Just, rude. I’ve had a very thin tolerance level too. I don’t mean to be angry and upset… but it feels like a whole lot of nothing is being accomplished sometimes. :S I just sorta freak out. Not a good reason why, i know. It’s not nice to snap and be rude to your loved ones. 🙁 and I do love my family SO much. It’s brain boggling how i can love the people who seem to drive me the most insane so very much. heh.

At this point, i’d like to take a side note, and give a brief shout out to my mom. It’s hard planning a wedding. Especially a wedding like mine. I’m picky, I demand a lot, and it’s tough because we’re trying to cut back on expenses, so we’re doing a lot ourselves. Mom has been so great. Fantastic. She’s SUPER MOM! She’s doing the Bridesmaids (and Maid of Honor) dresses. She’s done/working on two quilts. She’s trying to figure out how we’re doing our flowers (which Scott’s sister is going to help with) She’s driving me to and fro, working on her own life (regular day to day mom stuffage!) and i know she feels like her head is going to explode. There is a lot to do. She’s getting stressed. *points at the computer screen* if you’re one of my siblings, or my fiance, you should express thanks to her. My sibs because I don’t think we will ever fully comprehend how much mom really does for us (I can only hope to be like, 1/4th of the great mom she is) and my Fiancee, simply because my mom has taught me so much, and has made me the fantastic person I am now. Mom holds our family together like glue. She keeps the peace, and smiles through a lot of tough times. My Mom is the best mom ever!!!!

It’s gonna be hard moving out of the house. I’ve never know anything but a life with my parents and sibs. (Sibs have left, but they all seem to eventually return now and then) it’s scary. Becoming part of a new family (which oddly seems like a younger version of my own) and living away from what I know. it’s so …. very odd.

Blah, i’m tired. The nausea has diminished, though a poke in the stomach would be greeted with a slap in the face still.

Derringer Meryl [my tummy!] Out

I love the moon. I do. I think it’s singlely one of God’s Greatest creations. I love how people say that on the full moon people do crazy things. I’m sure you’ve heard of them, they’re called Lunatics. Now, that name carries a negative connotation, but I have to admit.

The moon does do crazy things to people. Not always bad crazy things (ala the image you get when someone says Lunatic) but sometimes people get more courage from it….?

I don’t know. I’m rambling. When I ramble I usually should write…. like a story or something.

I love the moon. I love Scott. Everything is good (thus resulting in this mellow quiet mood i’ve been in lately) I’m in love with the most brilliant, wonderful, sweet, kind, considerate, logical, romantic, caring, loving, hot, foxy, addictive, intoxicating, fabulous, complimentary man ever. I could go on, for pages and pages about how much I think he’s wonderful–

but i’m fairly sure Sukie is vomiting now, so I had better stop.

Derringer Meryl [Loving you is easy because you’re loveable] Out

I should be doing my homework, but i’m distracted– thinking to myself about things. About my job and getting another and whether I should or not, and how i’m being a drama queen about it.

Mostly I’ve been thinking about how well i’m known for knowing love. I let my friends read some pieces of mine about love. They said it was great, said that i nailed it on the head. I suppose there’s so much more room for exploration of the sensation when you’re trying to figure out what about you is unlovable. Why you keep getting turned away from the opportunity to love. Every time, I knew i was setting up to fall. I knew the guys weren’t interested. Even when they said they were. They didn’t seem to be at the same place i was. The place where you think about someone and how you want to make them happy nearly every moment. (which i can vouch for being very distracting) and you just… want to be there with them. And I feel lost in all of this. Lost in the fact that Scott likes me, even admits to loving me. I’m shocked. Not weirded out or freaked out. I”m just lost in the sensation of being loved by someone who isn’t family. i just… dont’ know. I don’t know how to feel or move or act. I sorta feel like a deer in the headlights. A very giddy and smiling deer, but all the same.

The Mouth said I was all giddy and smiley today. he said it’s much more fun to work with me when I’m like that than any other time. Guts Agreed. Guts added that he wanted to meet the guy, and was willing to pay $150 in excess tips to get him to deliver a pizza to his house. *smiles* I laughed. I may have to tell Scott about that. Even though I think he may be reading this right now *shrugs* all the same, I think of Guts like an older brother. I’d really like to go get some coffee (or hot chocolate in my case) with him, so he can tell me some of his stories. I don’t think he knows how much of an ego boost he is to me when he tells me he likes my writing. Honest. It makes me very happy.

Makes me wonder when we’re gonna do something again (Scott and I)…. Blah, and as I think about that, it reminds me that i have a pile of homework that i need to do …. so off to work I go.

Until … well, later.

Derringer Meryl [Good day]

I have to hate you for the little things…..

…… or i’ll love you for the big things

Honest to God. I’m going out of my mind here. Off my rocker, a few cookies short of a batch–

and i’ve obviously spent one too many years in my house– thinking about things–

Oh, and i’ve gotten into this vertigo thing. The dizzy for no reason– yeah. It’s a great thing, i’m enjoying it, immensely. *sighs* right, sleeping, good thing– sleep me now, yes?

Why can’t I love you?

Derringer Meryl [everything in my way] Out