Hanging onto what I know

as if you hadn’t noticed, there’s a new Layout, I like it– and i find it an accurate portrayal of me. *nods*

I’m a walking relapse

I do things, things that i’m ashamed of, and i try to stop, but i relapse. I forget, and i do them again. Or sometimes, being a creature of habit, i simply do them without thinking at all.

I relapse into emotions, actions, habits, …. though i have to admit, emotions is possibly the one that kills me the most. Artemis, Mouth and i were talking (isn’t that a mouthful to say) about the kind of person we’re attracted to. Artemis automatically opted for saying she liked pretty-boys who were consequently jerks. I dont’ remember the mouth actually divulging what particular ‘type’ girls he likes, but i do remember clearly what i said….

Jerks My first was a jerk. I don’t mean the kind of jerks who beat you…. no, that’s more than a jerk, that’s an abuser, and he probably has a lot of complicated emotional issues… No. I mean guys who are sweet and nice and then– one day, it just goes wrong. It’s not necessarily their fault– sometimes it just happens.

*pauses to calm her tremors* I don’t know why but they’re particularly bad today….

Monkey was never a jerk — not intentionally. He meant what he said about wanting to stay friends, but after hearing it from a jerk, the phrase is ruined. It’s nothing against him, i think he’s a great guy– he just has that Y chromosome that seems to be rooting against him and his actions. And despite what I said before, Monkey doesn’t stare. I take it back, I retract that statement– Only Miroku stares… *nods* I hope that clears up any confusions….

Maybe Jerk is the wrong way to put things…. I don’t mean they’re rude… well… *blinks* well…. Okay. *sighs* I like guys i can spar verbally with. Quick wit, and sharp tongue (verbally speaking…) someone who can joke with me, and not be scared that i’m going to take his joke the wrong way. Of course, when the relationship ends, that tongue continues to be sharp…. *shudders*

My first ex said I slept with my Drivers Ed instructor to pass the class.

*nods* I do not kid. He told people that. He probably meant it as a joke– but… it didn’t feel like it.

and Monkey, he didn’t ever INTENTIONALLY hurt me. He was always very sweet– leaving nothing but good memories. I just feel like I should re-affirm that since I seem to be lumping all the guys I’ve liked as jerks…. Anything that hurt from him– was usually self inflicted. THinking about things too much, or having people say things … *thinks of how to say it* … the feeling that he didn’t trust me with information…. I guess is the best way to say it.

*raises her hands in a sign of surrender* I don’t mean to open this to discussion– This is my journal– and yes it is online, but… i’m not always ready personally to talk about somethings with others. *looks down* I’m not trying to be rude. I once again re-affirm that Monkey was the most positive relationship i’ve been in…. ever I hurt because I hurt. THat’s me. Not him. *nods*

*laughs*Then you take into account that i had a crush on Miroku, who is positively the largest Lecher that i’ve ever met in my entire life– My crush on J-bob (who only invites me to see Rated R movies which I refuse to see) and my crush on Gert, and my newest one that’s forming for …. *gasps* The mouth. *sighs* I figure If i’m more open about it–

maybe it’ll go away?

Despite the fact that he’s a jerk– i mean it too, he called me a bitch *grumbles* Of course, he said he was sorry after he found out i was offended…. and when Monkey threw the keys at work at me slightly askew and they cut my hand, he was sorry about that too… and he always seems to be challenging how I feel, and how i am. Why I do things, and Why I am the way I am.

It’s been a growing experience for me. I’ve learned new things, and I love that about people… I love that about spending time with different people, they highlight things you didn’t know about yourself.

Like spending time with Artemis has helped me understand my Dad a little better…. and she (even though I don’t approve) encourages me to lie to my parents… and i’ve learned why I don’t like to.

Because that is me. I don’t lie to my parents. It’s ingrained into me, and I don’t want to change that. It makes me unique that i can hang out with the people i do, and keep that. *nods*

and not seeing Rated R films– well… part of me longs to– but it’s not so much for the film that i want to go. It’s so that maybe they’ll accept me. i don’t want to go for the film, it’s paying seven bucks so that I’m cool.

and Honestly, when the day is done, Blood is thicker than water. My friends are friends, and I love them all, but … nothing goes beyond my family. I couldn’t betray my parent’s trust like that.

And i’m a goodie goodie, and it probably sickens you to the end of the earth– but ya know what? Sooner or later, that movie is gonna be on TV. So *shrugs* so what. It’s free, and I can record it…. legally.

Derringer Meryl [the not cool, cool] Out

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