Two posts?

Within even hours of each other? I know, I’m crazy like that.

Also I want to annoy my husband’s RSS reader. Also. I found myself pondering a rather morose topic in the car while some good ole Nirvana on the way back from work. They were on a Nirvana spree this afternoon. Oddly I find I do some of my best thinking when listening to products the grunge era. Anyway. I was thinking about people who think Depression is all in your head. Psychologically speaking of course. Physically speaking they would be correct, usually the cause of depression (in most people) is a problem with Serotonin. Sweet eh? I am the only person I know who took chemistry, and did lots of bio chem work while in it. I delved really deep into the causes of depression — it related to me, and knowing about what caused it really helped me feel better.


Hearing that there are people who think Depression is all psychological really chaps my hide. Seriously. I had several serious bouts of depression (clinical, I was diagnosed by a family practitioner at 15) through out my high school (and junior high school) career. While I no longer manage my depression through medication I am aware that not all depression sufferers are able to do so. I don’t like to think that they are “dependent” on the medication, though I will admit that I was dependent at one point. The withdrawal of the medication (even when done correctly tapering off over time) caused myself serious (well serious to me) physical problems, such as night tremors which lasted a year after I stopped the medication. I believe that there are people who have a problem that can’t just be helped to get over it. Some people need the medication to function normally. To feel normally. It’s hard.

I like to think that people who think depression is all psychological are simply happy naive people. People who don’t know what it’s like to lay in bed at night trying to convince themselves that God would be ok with them dying because God ultimately wants them to be happy. I imagine they don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror and hate yourself for no particular reason at all. To hate the fake smile you plaster on all the time. To feel like you’re numb from it all.

I remember it all.

I don’t feel like that anymore. Scott and I have been medication free since we’ve been married (For me it’s almost 6 years. I’m really actually very proud of that) I would never belittle or excuse someones depression. It’s hard to know what to say to someone who is progressively sad. It’s hard to know how to help them. Just be there. let them know you’re there. Call and chat with them. Let them know you missed them if they’re away. Be Supportive. I had/have an amazingĀ  support structure of friends and family. I know that it’s why I’m so mentally healthy (HAHA!) today. (And to all of you who are saying “THIS IS HER HEALTHY?” the answer is, aren’t you gladĀ  you didn’t see me when I was mentally ill?)

Derringer Meryl [HEY HEY, I got a new complaint] Out

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Fuck that, Big Low

I am running on

about an hour and fifteen minutes

of sleep.

Lately i’ve been plagued with nightmares. i won’t go into detail. really. i won’t. i don’t care to, as they make me cry in fear in the middle of the day. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Tears, flow, down my face in fear.

really. i don’t know what to do to convince you. YOU UNBELIEVING JERK!! Okay, okay, i may have overreacted there, but i’m serious. I’m so tired. It’s not even funny.

My emotions are out of whack from the lack of sleep, and my sabbatical from taking my medication, among other things… like the constant social (very much local) pressure to get married. God. And my parent’s don’t like my friends, and demand that I go to college, and get a better job, and God.

it just feels like everyone is screaming at me YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH and I never will be. I’ll never have all my plates spinning at once. I just won’t. I don’t know anyone who does, but i feel the pressure. I need to be skinnier, and to wear my makeup everyday, and to smile and sell things well, and get chores done, and crafts, and cook, and smile.

I’m so tired of the smiling. But I don’t know how to not live that way. I don’t know how to make this all stop. I can’t say no to my parents, and I can’t say no to college and my job. I can’t make it all go away.

And even though I can hear the devil himself whispering to me about what i could do to make it all go away, i won’t give him my soul …. by killing myself.

I can’t do that.

And GOD DAMN those scientists who came up with anti-depressants. For getting you hooked and making you sick, and making you notice so much more the holes in your walls because… because on the drug all you see is happy flowers and happy trees, but off, everyone seems to hunt you down…

I don’t want to need the pills anymore. God, I want some rest with out the pills. I guess someone is always asking for something, but I just want God. I want to go home.

Derringer Meryl [Little Hi, Little Low] Out

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Damn You Bureaucracy!

there is no end. This Blog is like some kind of continuum where the fun and moronic acts never end.

Yeah– Monkey and I spend the weekend together, with my family. Crazy funk my family– with their Dr. Mario obsession. We also watched Charlies Angels: Full Throttle which left everyone quite perplexed by the ending, and me wondering if Dillan was destined to live her life alone….

Poor Creepy thin man. *frowns* That wasn’t a fun way to die. Now was it?

And today– I get to go to the local community college and look into classes, even though i think it’s a waste of time. Because I don’t really find any of the classes– well worth how ever much they’re charging for their educational goodness. I’ve absorbed a lot of education, and I don’t want to pay a ton to learn nothing,

it’s this crazy deal I have. Iknow.

Anyway. The trick though is, I have to take full schedule of classes to keep getting my meds and what not. It’s insane, mostly Because

A) Me with out meds– well it basically equates to me looking very pallid in a corner shaking until I vomit.

B) Me in class looks a lot like me with Meds, but I guess I just have to risk it because, not unlike High school, I have to be there AND pay for it.

Derringer Meryl [educationally frustrated] Out

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