Jun
05
2004
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I hold my tongue in patience

last night was my bachlorette party. I had a ton of fun. Thanks to Sukie, Antigone and Care Bear! They put this all together and I know Sukie spent a lot of time making it good.

A lot of my friends showed up, but I was really dissapointed to find out that Scott’s youngest sister wasn’t able to come.

Upon finding out why she wasn’t there, I was thoroughly incensed. I kept my cool nicely though…

I got a lot of really nice things. Some Lingerie and books and games. And a bucket of random stuff. 😀 It was a lot of fun. I love all of my friends.

I had a ton of fun. It was great to spend time with girls (normally I don’t like to) and I wish more of the people who were invited could have made it. :) But I understand that Life is busy… and what not.

Anyway, I have to go fix my hair. Thanks again to Sukie, Antigone, and Care Bear for a wonderful time! 😉 you guys are the best, and I’ll remember last night forever.

Derringer Meryl [don’t know me] Out

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Jun
02
2004
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I love Shoes

Less than a week, and I’m still trying to think of what to get Scott. I’m thinking that it’ll be hard.

Scott suggested I write a poem. the thing with that is, i’m all sorts of doom and gloom poetry writer. I don’t think i’ve written a happy thing since I was in the fifth grade. So if that happens, you’ll know it took a lot of work.

Blah. It’s a house cleaning rampage…. so i’m kinda busy. Plus I’ve been calling around pricing things– so yeah.

I just thought i’d update a little. and stuff. I have an entire box of shoes. Just shoes. and all of them are coming with me to Scott’s house when I move. Hee. I love shoes!

Derringer Meryl [Crazy] Out

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May
30
2004
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This or That

*sighs* Okay. So it’s like, nine days until Scott and I’s wedding, and I have to admit….

I haven’t gotten his present yet.

I don’t know what to do, or get. My idea sorta went sour (like three year old milk sour) and could be done, but wouldn’t be as cute as it may have been originally.

So I’m in a pickle. Nine days before my wedding, broke… and wondering– what would he love?

Now you see, I’m not a great gift giver. I need help (as in “Hey I love that. Why don’t you get me something like that?”) to get appropriate items. His siblings (a very helpful crew) have suggested a few things. I’ve thought something up to get him myself. I sorta want it to be sentimental though. Not a “present” but a “PRESENT!”

Not something you get everyday, but a wedding day gift. Blah. I’m uber lost. It’s not like you get married every day, ya know?

Derringer Meryl [Maybe, This?] Out

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May
27
2004
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just guilty

sometimes i over exaggerate. Scott and my mom have conferred and agreed that I over exaggerated my emotions on my previous entry. I have gotten upset, but not over anything that wasn’t worth getting upset over.

I still said somethings that I wish I could take back and stuff some place where I’d never see them again… but what’s done is done. That’s that.

This week has been super busy, I found my boquet (sp?) and flowers for Scott and everyone to wear. (cause in the world, there’s only three people: Me, Scott, and everyone else.) *coughs at the vague reference* I’d like to point out to my siblings who would like to throttle the commentor in the previous post that it’d be friendly not to, and I”m sure he meant NO harm by his comments.

I’ve learned to just roll with the proverbial punches.

I remember watching movies (Like School of Rock) where the girlfriend absolutely hates her boyfriend’s best friend. I’ve always hated those girls, and totally rocked out when they get burnt. I’m sorry. If you really love someone, you love who they love. Their family and their friends. I’m safe in the knowledge that I’m not bridezilla, as I paint myself to be, I just don’t always handle pressure well. And I don’t deal well with the idea of spending time with Scott to pick out what kind of stamps we’re having on our invites. Psh. What a waste of quality Scott time. I could snuggle, or talk. Or simply bask in the knowledge of the fact that i’m his, and he’s mine.

I belong. Wow. that’s new.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my testimony of the Church lately, since I’m taking a big step with going to the temple and all… For some reason being with Scott is like some BIG clarification of any questions I may have once had. I used to wonder why Christ would want to Die for someone like me. I don’t see a lot of worth within myself. (If you hadn’t noticed) I knew I was special, and that I was God’s Spiritual Child. I just … didn’t see why it mattered. well… Why I mattered, more specifically.

Now I get it.

I don’t know why it didn’t fit before. I knew God wanted me to be happy. But nothing felt happy. I wasn’t warm fuzzy at Church like the other girls. They were very happy and content. People were always talking about how they felt sad and lonely until they found the church. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel like that. Why I didn’t feel all sorts of warm and ooey gooey when I went to church. Sure, I’d had a few moments, but nothing like anyone was describing to me. I understood that Christ Died because he wanted God to be Happy, and for God to be happy, all his children would come back to him.

I saw nothing pure or good about myself that God would want. For the longest time I thought I was dirty and soiled. I didn’t understand why my own family wanted to associate with me, let alone others. Now I can see it. It’s like it took Scott to come along and say “You’re worth something, you’re worth SO much” for me to understand. it’s not like he’s said anything different than anyone else has… it’s simply how he says it. He won’t let me laugh it off or look away, or anything. He earnestly wants me to see the good in me. He’s not my Young Women’s leader who wants me to smile like all the other girls so she can have a full set. He wants me to smile because that’s what he does. Makes me smile. Life was empty before. There was no reason for living. Not really. I stayed alive on the simple premise of “If you kill yourself, that’s a straight shot to hell.”

Once I almost Killed myself on the idea that God wanted me to be happy, and there was no way I could be happy here.

I know why there’s a forever now. I know why Christ Died. I can’t explain it to you. I don’t want to. it’s my tender and sacred experience of the Divine. the blessed and happy number nine.

I don’t know it all. I can’t tell you what i know. Wouldn’t do any good anyway…. because it’s mine. I dare you to explore it. Explore why you’re living and breathing and still existing. for the longest time I was a waste of space. Now I live. With a Reason.

it’s new. it’s fresh. i love it. i love him.

Derringer Meryl [glorious day] Out

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May
21
2004
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This One Thing

I’m getting Jazzed. . .

I’m getting frazzled. . .

Either way, energy around the house is rising (not physical energy, just wow energy) so much to do, and so little time.

I’d like to mention again right now that MY MOM ROCKS and is a great person. She has been driving the neighbors around this week (in addition to wedding and regular mom duties) because their car is in the shop. Mom’s just that nice. Super fantastic and I appreciate her so much. And If I had any monitary way to show it, I would. Oh Yes… i would.

Tomorrow is my first Bridal shower. I’m excited. I’m gonna let them stick ribbons in my hair (the kind that are from presents) so Scott has to take them out…. cause he has to take each one out with a kiss. I’m an awesome sport about silly traditions. I demand kissies!

I got miffed at Scott the other day. I was being stupid, and would love to chalk it up to stress and hormones– but I hate it when people pawn their actions off on something they can control but act like they can’t. I used to be in control of my emotions. *kicks herself* The whole situation made me realize that i’m a dork and really self centered. (Scott may try and say I’m not. I doubt it though, I was on a rampage. It was bad. and I’m really REALLY sorry.)

I just got the news that Giggles has had her Baby. A sweet baby boy, NINE POUNDS! Wow! Congrats to Giggles and her hubby!!!! I’m so excited for her!

Anyway. I have a dress fitting today. I love my dress. It’s so pretty. I love it so much. SO MUCH!

Derringer Meryl [Ups and Downs] Out

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