Undone

I’ve been thinking alot about the whole marriage thing, about why and when and how and what not.

I’ve basically tossed all of my good chances of getting married out the window, especially getting married any time soon (read, within the next year) but if it’s not there, it’s not there, and despite the craziness, you gotta respect the chemistry.

I was talking to Antigone about unconditional love. She says she’s not sure there’s such a thing. I told her I thought i might have experienced the sensation– she asked if it was obsession (see: Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.) and I asked her what was the line between obsession and unconditional love? She wasn’t sure there was one, they may even over lap, except in the case of God. I can see that. still. I have friends of mine who i love (in a friendly manner, as friends do) and you couldn’t sway me from that love. No matter what, it’ll be there. Sure, sometimes i’ll be angry, or something, but i’m always open. I’m always here, to be leaned on, to listen, and to give my love away freely. Maybe i just have a stinking high opinion of myself to say that i can do that, but i think i’m doing it as much as I can. Maybe my condition to love is that i know you. People i don’t know irritate me to no end. I have to admit that. *nods* I guess, i’m sorta not as good as I thought i was… but i’m living it as close as I can to it.

Also, we discussed in class today why people drink. It’s not to get drunk like one might assume, it’s to feel love. It lowers your inhibitions, and i guess then you’re open enough to be loved…. how insane.

i guess that’s no worse than being in love and keeping it to yourself, but at least you have something to numb the pain a little, ya know?

Derringer Meryl [Selfesteem the fourth chakra?] Out

There was a little girl,

who had a little curl,

right in the middle of her forhead.

And when she was good,

she was very, very good,

But when she was bad

she was horrid!

What is horrid In your opinion. What’s a horrid act. I think it’s horrid that I like Eminem. Though The Specialist brings up an interesting point that he simply voices what everyone has thought once or twice in their life. “I hate my ex, I love my daughter, I hate my mom, I hate soinso”

i have to agree. Everyone does that. Cept in my case (at this point in life) i’d have to say it’d be I love my family more that my daughter, since i don’t have one. *nods*

Horrid: 2: innately offensive or repulsive: a : inspiring horror : SHOCKING b : inspiring disgust or loathing : NASTY

See, I find Hatred, a horrid action. If you’ve ever actually been inhibited by a deep abiding hatred for someone, you’d understand. It was like the obsession. IT was all i could think about. How much I hated him. How much i waited every moment for him to be in pain. When He was, I laughed. I laughed a lot. and i didn’t feel bad for it. Yeah. He was cruddy to me. He was cruddy boyfriend. He was horrible to me…. but all i did was kill myself slowly by hating him so much.

Yeah. I was dark. I hated life. I hated God. I hated every person who smiled, who laughed, who was happy…..

Then I got a little better.

And then– well. That’s for another day. Maybe not even for the blog. yeah.

Not for the blog.

Derringer Meryl [Inside my brain] Out

well, see, I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a pickle… sorta…. uh– double booked myself, Isnt’ that spiffy?? I thought so… I said I could do a debate tourny (judging, which means I get paid a little!) and that I could work on saturday. *blinks*

Hopefully everything works out. *nods*

I think I need to do a lyric spew… and i’m not sure as to what. Most of the new songs I’ve downloaded, well, they’re good, and i like them, but… they just arent’… my thing. (coughs) Right.

have you ever noticed, that is if you watch anime like i do, that anime holds several re-occurring themes (no I don’t mean like mechs… or unrequited love) I mean, duplicity. Reincarnation (in the sense that there can be more than one of you at once… blah… it’s hard to explain) The body as a shell, being reproduced multiple times and the soul simply moving from shell to shell. Tarot Cards are big, yep, telling the future… Uh… lechers. And panty thiefs. One, like me, who doesn’t know that much about Japan might surmise that all the boys are timid pervs and all the girls outlandish (but cute) school girls.

i’m not saying that’s how it is, i’m just saying that’s what it may be perceived as such. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Thinking too much] Out

So I randomly download songs. I dont know the artist, I don’t know the style, and i don’t know anything but a few key words.

and sometimes i stumble onto crap. Complete and utter crap. and other times, it’s gems. Something that makes me understand myself a little better, and removes a layer of protective skin…. Teaches me about myself. Sometimes people in the songs, say it in a different way, but it feels the same.

Different words, same meaning. Like someone who didn’t finish school, and can’t remember what they did go to thanks to the drugs…. saying how hurt they are from betrayal, compared to an English Major (Linguistics Minor) from Harvard, or Bradley saying the same thing, only different words.

Describing the same pain, feeling the same frustration for the lack of vocabulary– because no matter how extensive your vocabulary, there are always some words that just extend beyond the reach of human pain. The words seem trite and over used. Nothing to describe the anger that seems to fill you until it pours out your eyes, and there’s no way to hold it back– and you just want to be held, to make it go away–

but there’s no one there, to make it better. And no one tries to. It’s not because they don’t love you, it’s because they don’t know just as much as you don’t. That’s why the pain doesn’t go away…. Not until you accept it for what it is.

I was talking to friend of mine (who needs a nickname…), and he asked me “Why do you do that? Why do you see me as good, when I feel so bad?” and I told him, possibly the most profound thing i’ve ever said….

“People weren’t meant to see the good in themselves, but in each other. It keeps us happy, and it keeps us humble.”

I’m spewing off smart things. Ya know when it’s good to be happy? How it’s a good thing and not fake or anything? When you can still do things without being angry. I don’t know how to explain it in general, but i can do it in specifics to me.

When I write, I normally have to be in an angsty ‘i-just-got-dumped-and-i-couldn’t-feel-worse’ kind of place. I have to not be happy. Call it an Angel complex, because as soon as i get happy… my writing goes evil. It’s sappy, and romantic. And it sucks. A lot. So– you know when something is a good kind of happy, or at least i know i do, when i can still write, any way i want. Sappy happy stuff, or angsty stuff… without a problem. It’s great. I love it. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Compiling a list of Resolutions to share] Out

So you know how i’ve been complaining about how Kharma doesnt’ exist, and how i was fairly sure God really really hated me, and was actually punishing me for all of my sins ahead of time… contrary to what I actually believe– i was just PLOMing it. (Read: Poor Little Ole Me, also known as “No body likes me every body hates me, i think i’ll go eat worms” disease.)

And at the beginning of this new year, as happy and glorious and special as it is, i’d like to point out the ever so obvious…. Without the Ups, there’s no point in downs. it’s stupid. It’s insane. It’s frustrating. So what? Doesn’t that sound like everything else in life?

Sure, you have to drive behind some REALLY slow old people, but ya know what? You still get to where you’re going, right? You might get there slower, but so what? Who cares? There’s fifty million other things to be happy about, and you focus on the stupid things that are depressing.

And trust me, i’ve been into a whole lotta funks, I practically live in one– but then I sorted a few things out, and i’m not saying i know the secret to everlasting happiness, because HELLO, life isn’t a video game with a guide and things like that. There are no cheat codes and there’s no reset button.

Mou. Life is hard. But if it was easy, then we wouldn’t have people making money off of selling blogs. No one would read books, no one would bond in pain. No one would go to therapy, no one would want to be entertained, there COULD be no entertainment, No computers, no internet, no ANIME!

OH GOD MAKE THE EASE STOP! *giggles insanely* So I found a happy in my life. I remember a time when the Specialist had such a happy in his life that he chased it until the Happy accepted him.

I’m not saying that there are no down point. I”m just saying instead of looking down to them when stuff is good, keep moving.

I don’t know how to explain it. it’s a little crazy. it’s a little blurry, but… it’s good. And so… you dont’ try to puzzle about things when God gives you a blessing, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, you say “Hey, this is good. I like good. Good is Good.” and be happy.

Accept things. Love them. Feel them. And go from there.

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Philosophical] Out