Undone

Do you ever have those moments that are frozen in time? Just like, you’ll remember what happened for the rest of your life. The way you felt, what they were wearing, where you were at…

Like I can remember the moments i met two of my best friends. I remember in First Grade, Meeting my friend Lynn. and I remember one of the first things i said to Red, ever. She was wearing her tango (it has dragons) skirt to school, and i told her I thought it was cute, and I really liked it. I remember that she was sitting three desks behind me in my third period Math Class. She had black tights (nylons, whatever) on, and a maroon-ish red top on. She had been kissing with her boyfriend from the time before class had started. He always seemed to walk her to class…..

But that’s not the moment that’s been plaguing my dreams. No, the moment i remember wasn’t really special. It wasn’t a first like those were… it was just a regular moment. I remember I was laying my head on Monkey’s shoulder, and he brushed some of my hair back and tucked it behind my ear.

And life is full of I really should have moments. I really should have kissed him then. I really should have never mentioned him around my family. I really should have —

just been a better person overall.

*mutters* Sorry. I’ve been reading romance fiction, what they like to call “The Blanket Scenario” One blanket, two or more characters, and one of them has to have hypothermia. Honestly, it leaves a lot of opportunities. Think about it. One night with the one person you wish you could say “I Love you” to, a blanket, and they have hypothermia (which means you’re going to have to get them very nekkid. heh.) Some of the stories are really touching.

The human mind is filled with “I want to but … i just can’t.” Sometimes that reaction is good. “I really want to date him, but i can tell he’s bad news, so i can’t (or shouldn’t).” and other times, it’s just us being paranoid, and rationalizing our fears. “I really want to tell Tim that i love him, but…. i just can’t.” No reasons. No viable reasons, except it hurts. It hurts to say “I Love You.” It’s scary. Hell It’s scary in a romantic relationship to say “I really LIke you.” We’re all just too afraid of rejection.

I’m not really. I’ve done the rejection scene. Hell, if this was monopoly, i’d own a crack house (ya know, the hotels, we call them crack houses) or two on “Rejection Boulvard.”

Yeah. I have a bit of a monopoly on that, don’t I?? Yeah so… I’m not really afraid of that. I’m afraid of the awkward of the non-returning of the emotion. Not many people love me as much as i do them (just ask James Marsters, Orlando Bloom, and Hugh Jackman…. actually since it involves me, i thinkyou have to go through their lawyers… 🙂 ) Seriously though, the only person who dotes on me emotionally, as much as i mean to do them, is Red (Love ya kitten!) and while yes, I love her (in a completely heterosexual way) I long for the love of a man– or a guy. shit. i’m ready. Really. Honest.

Meh. Not like any guys who aren’t fourty-seven and want a cheap date and easy sex are looking for a girl… Of course there are younger guys looking, but they aren’t even looking for a date… just sex, free or cheap. Either way. Most settle for…. *smirks* never mind.

June 2001. A month I will never forget.

I was down. Very very very down. That is extremely depressed. Some sisters wont admit it, but they have a favorite brother– and mine got married that month, and yes that’s why I was down.

You see, It has been confirmned to me many times that marriage, while over all a good thing for both people, often takes good people from their families.

Like my brother.

Well, when he decided to get married– I was happy for him. it was a good thing like I said before, but I realized– that —

there was no more time.

The hours and days slipped past after he had come home from his mission, and all of it was devoted to her. Now, I do enjoy his wife, she’s a very nice girl. But I’m selfish, I admit it, I needed more brother sister time– and it was gone. I don’t know when I realized that it was finally over, but I think it was when they began to open their wedding presents. I left the room, to the furthest place away, found a knife and began to slice at my skin.

Now the blade was very dull, lucky for me, and did very little damage. I was found– crying my eyes out, and he told me he’d still visit, that he wasn’t gone forever–

he’d come back.

I’m crying now, what a dork I am.

And the truth of it is, he does– he comes back for a few minutes, from time to time, to shower or get a haircut from mom–

but it’s never me anymore. It’s never about me. I’m not sure if that’s what hurts, or what. But I know it does– really deep down, in the middle of my chest, and behind my eyes–

I can’t be upset, because I love him, he’s my brother, and he’s happy. They make each other happy. I guess I just wasn’t ready, didn’t really understand.

Or maybe it was the fact that he has to be added to the list of people who broke their promises.

Yeah– that’s it, that’s what hurts.

Derringer Meryl [Inside i’m still a little] Out