Nov
12
2003
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Kazaana… dragging me down again

is it just my imagination, that if you get away from an addiction, and even flirt with the idea of going back to it, it’s got you in a grip tigher than one of JLo’s dresses?

Yeah. That’s the way it is. It sucks you back in. *sighs*

Poor Mouth. The Mouth. The Mouth I hate and usually despise, or at least loathe. (At the Very Least) He got ditched by his girlfriend after them spending two years of their life together. I guess he really didn’t see it coming. *shakes her head* I wish heartbreak on no one. Being betrayed like that…. can hurt worse than anything. *frowns* I’ve had my own share of “I care, he doesn’t” relationships. It’s really rather annoying. I did one relationship like that for ten months and nearly killed myself (no joke), so the idea of doing it for two whole years, and then having to live– it’s hard. Apparently she just wants to see if what they have is real– like to see if their relationship will last.

I think that’s crap. I think it’s stupid to back away from a perfectly fine relationship and say “Hey, want to screw this up as much as we can by dating other people??” I mean YEAH you’re going to be attracted to other people. Good Grief. I mean, Even during my relationships I find other people attractive, I just don’t chase any tail. IT’s how it goes. So the idea of splitting up a successful relationship because you “aren’t sure if it’s working” is some lame scape goat excuse so you can get out of a relationship you’re obviously afraid of.

Buckle down, Batten the Hatches, and face your FREAKISH fears, okay? I’m afraid of going to college. Like going there. Being there makes me ill. Passing people on the walkways makes me depressed, and going to class takes a will of Iron (I have a will of Aluminum foil, so I dont’ go to class) But in January, I’m going to go full time. I’m buckling down, and i’m doing it. I don’t wanna, but I hafta. So there. Do it. Do what you don’t want to.

I’m not saying stay in an abusive relationship, and I’m not saying stay in a relationship where there’s no chemistry, but don’t bail because you’re bored. Trust me if you’re bored, your significant other, is five times as bored as you. Spice things up, try something new. And if you’re BOTH still bored, seek some help–

Giving up is for Sissies.

Derringer Meryl [stupid vortex of love] Out

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Nov
11
2003
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Choices Choices

Oi. Drama Drama!! *dances* I love a good scandal. But that’s just because i’m a little … rude, and cruel.

Yeah, that must be it. I was reading the back of the FFX-2 box, and it says that she’s searching for her friend that maybe in danger… whatever. FRIEND?? I always thought of her and Tidus as more than friends ever since they took that late night swim together in the game (If you havent’ gotten that far, sue me. You’re obviously not going to get there by the time you get FFX-2)

*hmph* I swear to God that back must have been written by a man. I can almost guarentee it. No one else would use the word “Friend” when they mean “Lovers”

Honestly. What a freak. *mutters* I don’t know what is about the male gender and their slip up with that word. *leers* Never ever use that word. Ever. And like I say about most things, if you say it, mean it. No one likes to be promised things that can’t come true. No one likes to hear lies to make them feel better. If i wanted to be lied to, I’d ask for it. straight out. I’d say “Honey, Does this dress make me look fat?” I’d see the hesitation in a guys eyes and say “Lie to me to make me feel better.” Honest. If it’s a tough question, but you know that the lie wont’ hurt anything, and i mean KNOW that the lie won’t hurt anything… do it. I’m evil for saying it… but it’s called being polite. I don’t want to hear that you want to be my friend instead of my boyfriend– if you find me repulsive, say it. I’d rather hear that than try to keep up a friendship that i’m only investing in, because i thought YOU cared.

It’s no use, Trying to make up for it now. Just turn a new leaf over, and do what you need to. But If you want to end a relationship, and it’s going no where, and you can’t stand the other person, don’t say “Can we Just be friends?” because that’s false hope. It’s a lie. It’s crap. Like telling someone they can breathe underwater, and then when they can’t telling them that they must be doing something wrong. Use your brain… Usually you’ll figure out which is better– Lying, or telling the truth.

Oh, and not better for you. Cause contrary to your belief, life isn’t all about you. Or Me. So — do something nice for someone else, who cares if it screws YOU over. *shrugs* No one cares anyway.

Derringer Meryl [Bluntness is as Bluntness does] Out

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Nov
08
2003
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It’s a small and quiet kind of happiness … but, I guess I can ask for a little more, can’t I?

One last thought for the week.

I was shopping today at Sears (I had to do my best not to call it “THE SEARS” … heh) and I saw a couple being cute, and holding hands, crossing the street together, the guy jumped and was being comedic, while the girl just extended her hand, and their fingers interlaced. It was very simple, nothing extensive. I have to say I only saw them for a moment, maybe two. But I was impressed, to the point i can still recall it.

I was thinking to myself:

“Why don’t i have that kind of thing in my life? Why am i not happy with someone, instead of happy by myself?”

After pondering it for a moment or two, I came to the realization that i don’t deserve that kind of happiness yet. I mean my friend Hikergrrl, deserves every shade and color that happiness comes in. She’s had some really shibby stuff happen to her. I mean some down in the dumps sad stuff…. i won’t go into it, cause it’s not my place, but she got married, and she’s really young, and what not, but if anyone deserves that kind of happiness, and that kind of comfort, it’s her.

Then I think of me. I’ve had NOTHING quite as bad happen to me. I haven’t had any LARGE tribulations, nothing of note, or anything. Maybe i’m not thinking hard enough– but — i don’t deserve to smile and hold someone’s hand. I don’t deserve the brite shades of happiness that love comes in. And in the end, I think God will send someone to me when i’m good and ready.

When I’m deserving of the love i can get from being married to someone who wants to be with me forever.

Derringer Meryl [my two minutes and forty one seconds] Out

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Nov
06
2003
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How it is.

Time to lay down the smack down, right?

I’m trying to convince myself so. I can’t bring myself to wreak havoc on another human life, no matter how insolent and insufferable their actions. I’m weak that I way, I guess. I think it’s more of a blessing, partially. *frowns* and in another way it makes me a doormat. I can’t stand others to feel pain, even if it’s because of their own actions. *sighs*

I called Gert about The Mouth today. He didn’t answer his phone, so now he has a message that i’d like to talk to him about the mouth. *mutters* What am I going to do.

And their (his and a part-timer’s) words just keep running through my mind….

Did you ever stop to think that the constant in all of your failed relationships, is you?

yes. I also knew that i was lame. I knew that no one i worked with likes me enough to spend time with me, out side of work. I have a flat personality, an unexciting life, and extremely low self-esteem. Almost every relationship i’ve been in (Romantic or not) has been abusive, in one way or another. I don’t want people to pity me for my past, i don’t need pity friendships… I have those. Those are tiresome, and i hate it. I want someone to see me for what I am, and like me anyway. I’m broken, I’m tired, I’m ragged, and GOOD GRIEF, i’m not the prettiest thing you’ll ever see, but i’m alive… and i have emotions, no matter how well hidden they are– they’re there. Inside, burning and seething and controlling me.

I don’t plan on masking how I feel every day for the next however long. I can’t quit, and I don’t want to be fired– I just want resolution. Quite honestly, I don’t know one woman who enjoys being called a “Bitch” on a frequent basis, if at all. I don’t enjoy having my low points being joked about. If i was comfortable with my low points, i’m fairly sure i still wouldn’t be comfortable about them being joked about. I’m not saying that i’m the only one who feels this way, that has crappy stuff happen to them…. but i’m the only one who can feel what i’m feeling, just like any other person.

No one deserves to be treated the way i’ve been treated, Not even the lowest of people. Not Drug Addicts, Not Whores, Not Crime Lords. Not one of them. Not even the Mouth HImself.

It’s not right. Not now, not ever.

Derringer Meryl [ticked off] Out

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Oct
19
2003
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Going through the motions

Happy Beginnings! It’s a new week, and i’ve used this weekend to reflect on a few things. First, I don’t know anyone as well as i’d like to. Including myself. I find myself falling into the Julia Roberts (ala Runaway Bride) role. I like whatever someone else likes. I’m uber laid back. It’s not like a guy i like, loves fried eggs, and i say i like them too, and what not, just because he likes them. I furiously hate fried eggs. No one could make me eat them. I hate TV drama shows (Ala The Practice) and like more cult-ish shows. (Buffy, Xena, Angel, etc) I like Anime. I don’t like Porn– i’m fairly strong on that point. And I figure, in the long and short of it, how the hell do i really know anyone else if i spend all my time trying to figure out me.

Lets see– what else? I have another temp job tomorrow– and it’s going to be a fairly tight day. Test, and two jobs. One brain stew. i’m really nervous about the test, because, well– i hate math.

Do you ever find yourself agreeing with someone just to end the argument? I find myself doing that, WAY too much. Like– all the time. I swallow my ‘pride’ and just say “Yeah, you’re right, and i’m wrong.” just because i don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m starting to get sick of being the submissive one.

I’m writing a story… which a few of you can’t read because you’re a) too judgmental or b)extremely rude. No offense to anyone outside of my circle of friends (that i know, i figure if you read this regularly, you’re as good as a friend) You’d have to suck up in a major manner to get the link, or you’d have to be really smart to get to it online. 🙂 I’m sorta having writers block with that. I wrote myself into the corner, but since i’m doing it first person narration, i figure if i switch characters, i have so much room to move it’s ridiculous. I’ve gotten more reviews with this story (all of them in a positive direction) than all of my other stories put together! It’s pretty awesome. I find it heartwarming… and it sure inspires me to write.

Lets see, yesterday was saturday, i should do a shopping recap: I got myself a pair of wings, and i got my sister-in-law’s Christmas gift, I bought a gift for Red too (as we went shopping together) It was a little Jade Buddha. She got me a gift (tis the season, or something.) it was a nifty little journal with “Fading Memories” inscribed on the front. The Pages look like they have been burnt a little, and a little purple bow ties it all up on the outside. It was a warm fuzzy for me. Cause I got one eighth of my family shopping done. Of course I still have Red, Monkey, Marco, Gert and J-Bob to buy for *smirks* You gotta cover your friends. 🙂 I’m sure i forgot one of my friends, and they’ll read that and be upset with me 🙂 But sue me, there are so many that i don’t regularly correspond with– so it’s hard to remember them all.

🙂 Anyway. I’m going to go brood, wanna join?

Derringer Meryl [Broody Bint] Out

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