Dec
30
2003
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a whisper of brilliance

Sometimes normal people say the most brilliant things. Sometimes normal people take characters and make THEM say the most brilliant things.

Sometimes the most brilliant people, are normal.

The monk shook his head, unable to look at her. “I told you to forget about it, Kagome-sama,” he said quietly. “And so it is not open for discussion.”

She felt her heart constrict in her chest. “No,” she told him. “I can’t. You can’t just tell me to stop.”

and isn’t that what i’ve been trying to say since June?

You just can’t tell me to stop.

Hardly anything works that way.

Derringer Meryl [Short Sweet, Thoughtful] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,
Dec
26
2003
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I needed to say this

Lyrics are poetry that is sung. I’m sure that’s the stupidest thing i’ve said all day– still it’s the truth, and i’m all about the truth. and i’ve been listening to this song: You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette. And while the overall message is something that i relate to …. the broken promises, the quick replacement– i haven’t done the things that Alanis speaks of in her song… *coughs*

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you

I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me

Is she perverted like me

…..

Does she speak eloquently

And would she have your baby

I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

And I feel like screaming that sometimes. What makes the other girl so much better? What is she that is so enticing. I’ll tell you what, she’s Not Interested. and that’s what makes girls interesting to boys. The conquest, the journey, and the fear. It’s a rush. And No one wants to climb (metaphorically) the same mountain twice. Good God. WHy should you have to? There’s fifty million other mountains, so– move on. Sure, there are the few people who climb Everest twice– and those are the (metaphorically) ones who get married, and stay that way. It’s more than an adventure, its a way of life.

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able

To make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you’d hold me

Until you died, till you died

But you’re still alive

I may not have done everything that Alanis speaks of, but I know– that guys (as well as girls, but guys are more noted for it) promise things to get into girls (guys) pants. *laughs bitterly* I promise you that i’ll always be your friend.. Nothing you say can make me loose respect for you… Well excuse me, that’s bull shit. I’m sorry to say it, but there’s no getting around it– no getting around how it’s a lie. it’s age old, and girls still fall for it. We honestly want to believe people, believe that someone loves us, only us.

God, How often is it actually true?

And I’m here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It’s not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

And how fair is it that when you need people the very most, when you most need a shoulder to cry on people conveniently leave. When you hurt the most. People tell you to suck it up and move on. Just Move On. I get the concept, but the action it’s self eludes me. Yes, because I was a liar too. I didn’t mean all of those nice things i said about you. And i”m going to prove it by picking myself up, effortlessly, and moving on to the next date…. victim. No. So I agonize for … a while. At least people know my emotion is true, it’s deep, and i’m not going to smother it for their good. Too bad.

You seem very well, things look peaceful

I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know

Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

Are you thinking of me when you [are with] her

Pick it up, move on. Love, Move. Love Move…. That’s insane. Freakishly insane. I can understand moving on. I Get that. But c’mon, intense relationships aren’t always the long ones. But society paints it out to be that you can’t get to know someone in a short amount of time…. And left is right and up is down, and there is no right direction. And it’s confusing. So I follow my heart. And it says it hurts still. It hurts because I was lied to. I was decieved. I was lead to believe that You didn’t care, and then to alleve your guilt, you told me the truth– you did care. and then he cared… and i was confused. I was scared. because no one wants me. And I can’t blame you for liking him, but God, I can blame you for telling me…. promptly after I had finally relaxed enough to believe that you DIDN’T like him.

This isn’t so much about him, as it is about your selfish-ness.

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me

And I’m not gonna fade

As soon as you close your eyes and you know it

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back

I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

Can I explain to you, that I love you. Like a sister. You’re my best friend– But it still hurts inside, and i’m not sure where I am at all.

And I can’t blame you for wanting him. How could you not? I blame myself. I hate Myself. Everything about me. For which there is no remedy. Someday the pain will cease. but — not yet.

I don’t want to talk about it. I jsut wanted to get it out. This isn’t a “I want to Discuss this with BOTH of you” type thing. This is a “I’ve bottled this up, and it’s not going to help me move on” type thing. Keeping inside was only infecting the whole damn emotional system. You two can snog like kittens now for all I care.

Just don’t tell me.

Derringer Meryl [Cynical] Out

Dec
19
2003
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Holiday Boost and Math Results

I passed!

i wish i could show you all the official everything about me passing my Math class, but unfortunately, i’d give too much info about myself away! *laughs maniacally*

Yes, I passed my Math 101 class with flying freakin’ colors (otherwise known as a B)

Isn’t that amazing? I’m so excited….

I was talking with monkey tonight (technically the eighteenth) and we were talking about the Holidays and Gert’s sudden mood swings. I honestly think it’s because he’s romantically alone for the holidays. (Though honestly– he COULD be otherwise, but he’s just too dang stubborn for his own good. Ya know?) Monkey says it’s no fun being alone for the holidays– but I honestly have to disagree.

I’ve always been Happy at Christmas time (i’m Christian, I celebrate Christmas, so… there.) It’s my birthday (ish, a few days after Christmas) and it’s Christmas. Sure, I’ve never had a relationship like Gert has at Christmas, so i cant’ miss what i never had…. but– It’s just the way– *shrugs* I don’t know how to explain it– Christmas to me is about being a kid. Feeling like a kid. And when you’re involved in a relationship– that doesn’t promote kid like things. There’s serious things. Like commitment and Love and … devotion. I guess adults make those kind of things complicated. So maybe love is better at Christmas time. I don’t know.

Honest. I’ve only experience unrequited love at Christmas, so i wouldnt’ know.

But Since people seem to need some cheering up around this time of year, let me leave you with this: SakuraSaku Roughly Translated it’s “Cherry Blossom Blooming”

On the roof, looking at the sky, the sun’s light is warm and gentle

When I look at the sky my entire body is filled with energy

THAT’S SO WONDERFUL! I am living

I can’t quit it! I can’t give up

Good bye to the bewildered yesterday

My feelings are springing up

I can bring them up many times, let a flower blossom

Memories are sweet hiding places

Live to see another day

One day a blessing will come, Stretch out your hands

The sunlight that swims the sky over the roof is glorious

When I look up at the sky, happiness is filled throughout my body

THAT’S SO WONDERFUL! I am living

I can’t quit it! I can’t give up

Daily life is like an angry wave

A cycle of heaven and hell

I can bring it up many times, let a flower blossom

Run, run until you find love

If I was to suffer, let it continue

One day a blessing will come, Stretch out your hands

Good bye to the bewildered yesterday

My feelings are springing up

I can bring them up many times, let a flower blossom

Memories are sweet hiding places

Live to see another day

One day a blessing will come, Stretch out your hands

Stretch out your hands, Rise up both your hands!

I have that hanging over my bed here at home. :) It helps me calm down when I’m all grump-i-ed out. I’m planning on giving it to Gert for Christmas with his present. :S I hope he understands.

Derringer Meryl [Memories are sweet Hiding places]

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,
Dec
15
2003
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Salvation in a screen–

There are days, where you feel your lowest. To strictly contrast that, you have days where you feel your highest…. Most people don’t have those in the same day.

I do.

You can call it what you want. Bi Polar, Depression, Chemical Imbalance…. whatever you want…. i call it life. I don’t think it’s right to just muddle through, but I’ve been down the paths that the world seems to scream as useful and at one point in my life, i swore by them– but now, things have changed. *frowns* I’m not sad and depressed because of a chemical problem– i’m sad and depressed because of who I am.

I can’t get a good guy. Now before I piss off those of you whom i’ve dated before, let me continue. I can’t get a good guy TO STAY. and it keeps repeating in my mind, i’m not good enough… and that all of my relationship problems come from me. ME. I do it. I break things, and i make them bad. I do it. ME ME ME! Don’t try and tell me that’s not true. I don’t want words. I dont’ need your words. I miss a simpler time when i didn’t feel.

and I miss it. I miss being dead inside. I miss not living. I miss not caring about people…. and I miss not loving. I wish i could wish it away.

I wish I could not hear people. I wish their words didn’t sting and ring so true in my ears. and i wish that i could see what makes me so completely undesirable to the male sex.

Every guy says he wants a girl like me, interested in the things they’re interested in, but– they never…. I’m too much like a sister or a best friend…

Or there isn’t any attraction there anyway.

Say the truth. Say what burns. Say what you mean… Tell me i’m ugly tell me that i’m the fattest thing you’ve ever seen– i just want to know.

It’s insane.

i feel like my brain is fallin out of my ears and i’m not sure why I feel like sobbing– but I know i’m scary. I must be. Why would everyone run so? Am I that appallingly boring in personality that no one desires to speak to me?

Derringer Meryl [the answer is yes] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,
Dec
14
2003
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Oh Blog of mine

Antigone’s (that’s the Specialist’s Wife) blog is closed down now. It makes me sad, I really enjoyed reading it– But when her mind is set, it’s set, i guess.

Her writing seemed honest and extremely…. *thinks of the word* insightful. She works now, and so consequently they dont’ come down to visit so much anymore unless it’s a holiday. *nods* So it was nice being able to read what was going on, and learning more things about her. My mom always says “A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is your daughter all of your life” Cute isn’t it? Well– the cute little saying pretty much amounts to the fact that my brother is my brother until he gets married. Not that my brothers and i were SO tight before that. Dating takes care of that.

Which is why i vowed i wouldn’t forget my friends when i began to date. Loosing myself in another person …. is dangerous… as well as very hurtful to those around you.

But I’ve vented about that kind of stuff before– today I’m going to focus a little bit more on Antigone. I was informed, that i was rude to her. Meh, that sounds wrong. I probably was. I was too old for how young i was acting. Ya see, despite what it should be, I was extremely close (in my opinion) to the Specialist. I stole his style, and his clothes, and (even now, to some extent) I want to be just like him. I wanted Antigone to be my sister-in-law, but as soon as they got engaged, (even before that, but i suppose I didnt notice as much) the Specialist stopped spending so much time with his lousy sibs… and I suppose i latently blamed Antigone…. i shouldn’t have, and i see that now. Maybe that’s how people got the vibe I was being rude?? I dont’ know. Maybe i’m just a really rude person underneath it all…

I apologize to her if I was rude– I was (and i still can be) very immature.

She and I don’t have a lot in common, except our love for Anime. So I found it interesting to read her blog. But I do suppose it was her choice to take it down….

*pats her blog* I love this one too much to take it down.

Derringer Meryl [My Precious] Out

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