Mar
20
2004
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Little Voice

Apparently Scott was so tired last night (I would not doubt it. The tiredness sorta hit us all at once) he didn’t get to post about our fun night. :)

First we decided (or I decided, and I told Scott it would be a good idea) to ditch out on Spycraft. I was really tired, and I didn’t want to spend time with my siblings and the great chance there was of them embarrassing me. Not to mention they started at Seven, and Scott didn’t get here until nearly ten. So — whatever. I’m sure they digressed into watching SpongeBob by then.

Anyway, we went to go see Starsky and Hutch instead. Can I say Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson ROCK!? They’re a great comedy duo. Absolutely hilarious. Of course there was the obligatory oggle women and what not. C’mon, it’s a show based in the Seventies. It’s unnecessary, sure, but it makes the film more real to the seventies. *shrugs* At least I know Scott found them as stupid as I did. Also, Will Ferral was freaking awesome. H’es so hillarious. We had Ice Cream to eat during the film, which I probably shouldn’t have had. Being lactose intolerant and all. But it looked really good, and I don’t always feel too bad after eating some… and … well… *shrugs* anyway.

After the movie, Scott took me downtown (a good distance from the movie theater we were at.) and up on a hill to over see the city and look at the lights. It wasn’t too cold outside, but I began to shiver. (stupid body) I was really excited because I thought maybe it was the surprise proposal, but then I remembered that the ring was still being sized and that there were a few other complications too. So I tossed that out of my brain rather fast. Still, it was a very nice view, I wish we could have stayed longer, but once again, the shivers took over and Scott said he didn’t want me getting sick. (Which is sweet. I don’t get sick from the cold, just stupid things I should know better than to do) It was getting pretty late at this point, so we got in the car and he took me home.

So that’s the recap. I could go into mushy stuffs and what not, but I just remembered that i have work today, and my mom wants me to go and shop for something with her– and…

Oh what the heck.

it feels so right being around Scott. I feel right, the world feels right… Sometimes I feel a little silly because he says all these sweet things to me, and I just get so dumbfounded, I dont’ know what to say back. I have so many things buzzing around in my brain, to say, to suggest, to compliment, and– it just stays there, because I can’t do anything to get it out. It’s so frustrating sometimes. That’s why I’m grateful that I ahve this to write in. Sometimes I can say the things here to Scott that I can’t verbalize properly. For being on the debate team, I sure have a lack of vocabulary and quick tongue. I’m not very clever, but … I know Scott loves me. And he knows that I love him, even though i say it in my little voice.

Derringer Meryl [Going to Fly A Kite, I guess] Out

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Feb
26
2004
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So Amazingliy Terrifying… Read On

I just got back from 50 first dates. Great movie, not ranking up with Wedding Singer, but still pretty good. I’m thinking it was the company more than anything. He got me popcorn and a drink, and honestly, I’m one of those people where it’s the small things that count, because i miss them so much. I’ve never been on a date to the movies before where the guy pays for me, and buys me popcorn and a drink. I’m really not that hard to please. *smiles* It also makes me happy that I’m going to go play D&D again this week. He’s even going to the trouble to have his friends come and get me. *smiles*

Once again. The small things impress me the most. Did I mention he stopped to get me a rose from Walmart? *blushes* Flowers from guys in the past limited to required prom exchanges. And one bouquet of roses and daisies that i got from a guy I never met because he stood me up on our first date. (his Mom told him no.)

If you’re a regular reader of my blog (and possibly my writing journal) then you know i’m kinda delusional sometimes (see Ally McBeal, that kind of delusional) where I stop and think that people are actually caring enough to do something as nice as get me flowers. I was really touched.

And i love to hear stories about his friends. About their death defying trips around his town. And I love how he’s not … how he isn’t deterred by the fact that i’m quiet. (Except of course when it comes to Sean Astin, how could I be quiet?) I love how his smile is kinda crooked, it’s so adorable. I love how I can’t stop grinning when I’m thinking about him. I love how his friends make me feel included. I don’t think i’ve felt this right ever in my entire life.

And that’s the scary part. I’m afraid. I’ve never fit in anywhere. I’ve always felt like the little girl playing with the big kids– until now.

Mostly I love how when he hugs me …. i feel like nothing in the world could go wrong.

Oh, and as a quick ps, He kissed me. :) and I liked it.

Derringer Meryl [Back and Forth] Out

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Jan
31
2004
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Crazy? I was crazy once….

No Sound. I got a new harddrive, which is spiffy and pretty, but I have NO sound. I’m not very happy. No eminem for me while I write. That makes me sad. Very Very sad. *sniffles* I’ll fix it later. I’m too tired to care right now.

Cause I need to rant.

Change

I hate change. I hate it a bunch. I hate how everyone expects me to understand it and do it like there’s no big deal at all. And I feel like chucking a brick through the head of the next person who tells me to go with the flow.I don’t know how to. No one has taught me, or explained to me HOW. They just tell me that i have to. I hate that. Give me steps, tell me how, explain to me.

and I want to murder my computer, I want MUSIC dang it. I don’t want to hear the laughter, I don’t want to hear the jokes, I don’t want to deal with everyone else, I just want to listen to Eminem swear about how life sucks. That’s all I want right now. And so…

I’m about to pull my hair out.

I went to see Win a Date with Tad Hamilton and fell in love with Topher Grace (all over again)

I renamed (or will rename) my computer soon, to Miroku. Don’t ask, don’t tell. I’m pretty strict on this one this time. I figure New harddrive, New name, right?

I better go figure out WHAT exactly I’m going to do my Psychology paper about — I’m going insane, slowly.

Derringer Meryl [need to update more often] Out

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Dec
06
2003
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Why I’m not a Liar

Isn’t it interesting how everything gets all kinds of mushy at Christmas time?

The Specialist is feeling it. My dad isn’t feeling the mush, and I think he’s missing it. I don’t get mushy over him anymore. *shrugs* I’d be sad if he died…. I do admit that. I’d miss things about him– but sometimes his drama-y ways out weigh the goodness that i know lies inside.

Tonight, i went to see Elf again. Everyone at work was going… and for the lack of a better excuse, i went too. :) I love it when they include me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzily. Heh. I’m a dork. Anyway, Dad was a little upset that I didn’t ask permission to go. Since i’m eighteen, i didn’t realize that i needed permission, considering it’s my money i’m spending and Artemis’ gas money too. (as in she was outside wasting gas as she waited for me. :S) I guess that’s one of my rebellious things. That I don’t feel like I should ask to go. I don’t mind asking, but i don’t think it should be demanded of me that I should ask.

What i’m most sorry about is that Dax got ripped a new one because i didn’t understand that Dad wanted to talk to me on the phone. Sheesh. :( Sorry Dax. I didn’t know that it was earth shaking that i was going out. I’ve been out before like this. With the same people…. Not like Dad keeps tabs on where I am anyway. Psh. Usually he doesn’t realize that i’m gone …. for a while. Like until Dinner, or Prayers. I have to admit, i’m a little miffed about that. I don’t expect him to have my schedule memorized…. honestly, I barely do– but it’s nice to be missed, and God, if your family doesn’t miss you, who will? (Do i always say that or what??)

I’m a whiner, I need some cheeze to go with my whine, I know.

But tonight… is not the time to be deep and introspective. I’m just …. tired. and I need to… eat something…. So, Yeah.

Derringer Meryl [You Sit on a Throne of Lies] Out

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Jan
11
2003
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Easiest to Live in a lie– exhausting too

Sometimes it’s easier living a lie

Boy, was Tom Hanks right. I got back from watching Catch me if you can and All I can think is…

why doesn’t the world stop when I want to get off? Sure, I can understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me, but why– heavens why, do people move on? Sure resenting things and being bitter– bad stuff, I can swear to it. But why not hold onto a little scrap of something good, so maybe, if it comes back, you can remember what it was like.

She cheated

She got married to her lover

And had a new baby.

She replaced lover

She replaced Husband

She replaced child.

Why do I feel that she drove her son to fly around the world? That she made him want to leave, to run away. Because she did. She didn’t take the time to think about the lies she was telling, and who it would break in the end.

It broke her family

It broke the government

It broke the world.

Sure, he had a choice. There is no doubt in my mind that Frank Abignale Jr. had a choice every time he impersonated someone new. But the rush, the thrill,

it’s enough that you can become addicted to it.

Something tells me deep down inside, that he couldn’t help but want his mom to see him. She never saw him. Never.

He kept saying, ‘Catch me. I want this to end. I’m so tired of it all.’ and all i could think is….

I know that feeling. Wanting to be caught, someone to call your bluff and say “I see you. I see what you do–” Because you can’t do it yourself. Because running from the truth is all you’ve ever done in your life, and stopping is out of the question. Someone has to make you stop. Make you want to stop.

I can’t say what made me stop lying. Stop pasting on the smile that made my heart bleed until I felt so exhausted that I would sleep for hours. I think– I think it was when it caught up to me. When I felt it all, and I knew I was caught. Not by anyone, not by anything but the web of my own lies. And I had to bear the guilt alone.

For the most part.

I was lying to myself.

Derringer Meryl [finally caught up] Out

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