Undone

before getting emotional, I just need to be exhausted. Maybe that’s those drunk people’s issue too? Anyway. I watched Glee tonight (Ep Asian F) and it made me cry.  Esp. Fix you at the end of it. Where Will Schuster and Ms. Pilsbury are praying together, because her parents emotionally traumatized her into fearing germs of people who are different, and she has essentially relapsed heavily in her OCD. It’s bad. I hope she gets back to Therapy. Which feels weird to say of a fictional character. But isn’t that the point that any good story does? Draws you into the characters, and makes you love them so much that you want to see them get better?

Anyway, I absolutely and always have adored the song “Fix You” by coldplay. It was released in Sept 2005 on Coldplay’s X&Y album. I was pretty depressed that year, and can recall feeling like my life was probably the worst it had ever been. I can heartily say that I am still (and probably always will be) recovering from 2005.

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

It just speaks so heavily of things that everyone can relate to. “When you lose something you cannot replace” Like a father, a friend, a baby, innocence, love, joy, spirituality, faith, a sense of self. There are a million things that the thing you lost could be. The interesting thing is, to me this song is not one person to another. It’s not a boyfriend singing it to his girlfriend (or visa versa) or husband to wife. It is one person. One person singing it themself.

It’s no secret that I don’t consider myself overly mentally well. I’m obviously not completely batshit crazy (sorry mom) but I am … lost in all of the things in the world. Adrift in the politics, the economics, the parenting, and work. I am a self contained capsule of self hatred and loathing. No matter what anyone else says, no matter how people interact with me, I will only see the bad. I will only see the people that detract from me.I will only long for the approval of the people who are indifferent of me. I will love the people who pass up the opportunity to be in my life, and be tortured in silence when they decide to embrace someone else instead.

My heart will break when I realize I have been harboring a deep dislike for someone who did not hold the blame as I had once thought. I will hold myself personally responsible for the failings of others.

I should be stronger. I should not care what other people think. I shouldn’t care if other people don’t love me. I should pick myself up and live the life I have.

Maybe someday

I can fix you.

Derringer Meryl [passion] out

Will you think of me,
in time?
It’s never my luck,
So never mind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It’s never my luck,
So never mind.

Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn’t my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
that doesn’t happen to me
I’ve never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And i stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven
Let me in your heaven
I wanna live inside your heaven

The song is beautiful on so many levels. I find that the part that I find myself relating to again and again… is “i can try to be with you , but somehow I’ll end up just losing a friend/i can only reach for you / relate to you/I’m losing my friend…” Sometimes when you love someone (no matter what type of love it maybe) you want to reach for them, to draw them close, to make up for stupid mistakes, to have what you once had… and every time you try to pull them close they struggle further away. The lyric echos deep inside of my heart, an empty place that no one can ever fill.

As you can see I have updated my blog layout. I can’t seem to get away from twilight, so you probably shouldn’t count on it happening any time soon. If you haven’t listened to much Blue October, I highly encourage it. The singer, Justin Furstenfeld has bipolar disorder… i find his lyrics beautiful and remarkable. His singing is passionate and amazing. The honesty of his lyrics seem to strip any pretense one might have about depression, heartache, and love. I could listen to his music all day. It seems to calm me. The truth that sets you free.

Things have been progressing with Ms. Gigi well, she is chubbing up well, and Katie is doing her best to cope with being a sister. It’s tough not having all of mom and dad’s attention, but I think she still gets her fair amount. I am not thrilled at the idea of returning to work, but it’s work, so why would it be thrilling? 😉 Life is good.

Derringer Meryl [off to feed a baby] Out

*AHEM* Scott and I were arguing about what Mr. Brandon Flowers was saying in the Killer’s new song “human” and in fact it is as follows “Are we human or are we dancer” For the following reason:

On the band’s official website, the biography section states that Flowers is singing “Are we human, or are we dancer?” and also says that Flowers said the lyrics were inspired by a disparaging comment made by Hunter S. Thompson about how America was raising a generation of dancers.

So HAHAHAHAHA, It is Dancer. Though some people (who are incorrect) have suggested he’s saying “denser” but it’s definately dancer.
and who says that lyrics need to make sense anyway. Some of the most relieving things i’ve ever written have made no sense what so ever.

I want to do this and that

Hey, that’s just how girls are

One slip and it’s to hell you go

So you’d better not get in my way

Aren’t lyrics amazing things? I know, i moon over them a lot. but… song is one of the many ways to truely express how you’re feeling. And it just so happens, if you’re feeling one way, someone who has written a song, has felt that way before too. Like the song this is taken from isn’t even in english, that’s the translation! It’s from the opening song to Slayers, a New anime that i’m entranced with…. I know, it’s like i have a new Anime/song each week, but I suppose if I had a new song and Anime to be taken with each week, i’d never waste a minute of my life. 😀

*coughs* Oh, and about Liz Phair’s lyrics. Sometimes the person you decide to …. relate to, has more… emotions to express in a song… than you do. *smiles nicely* I have the confidence to say, there isn’t a person that i’d actually sleep with in the world right now. : Honest.

I’m completely looking forward to seeing Red next week. I don’t know how much time she plans on spending with me, but if anything happens that we can’t, it sure as hell won’t be because i’m blowing her off…. *blinks* That came out wrong. Blah. Basically, i’m setting the whole damn weekend aside, so i can see Red. That’s that. Oh. and If you’re reading this Hun, I have some wicked things we need to do to Monkey. *smirks* secretly of course. It just wouldn’t be as much fun if he did know. 🙂

*sighs* Have i expressed my concern over him? Monkey that is. He worries me, and …. i probably shouldn’t so much. He’s a grown up, and he can take care of himself. I suppose it’s not that that’s bothering me. I know he’s very capable, in fact he’s capable of so much, it’s astonishing. …. I just wonder if he’s keeping to himself too much. I do believe (this is an educated guess. I have no clue really) that his only social outings are his jobs, and Halo night. That’s what really concerns me. BLah. I shouldn’t be so concerned, as i said before, he can take care of himself, quite capably.

I watched Down With Love yesterday, and i admit, it’s quite a catchy movie, and the songs stick in your head in a way, you’re just not prepared for. Not to mention that Ewan McGregor is endlessly hot (the only good thing about the new Star Wars, he is.) and has the kind of blue eyes that make my legs turn to Jello. Reminds me of J…. *sighs*

I don’t want to spoil it, but it ends in a manner you wouldn’t expect from the beginning. It’s amazing. You’ll just die, and I admit,there is quite a bit of innuendo, it’s nothing more than you’d get in a high school class… or like what i got in my first day of art class in Jr. High. Scared the Bejezuz out of me. *shakes her head* Anyway…. Renee Zelweger is refreshing and cute in the part, DHP is extremely funny, much like his role as Niles on Frasier… not to mention the idea of all the women in the world, abstaining/refusing sex in order to get their way to the top, is hillarious… I do believe it’s because it leaves men in a weakened position when they have gone so long without what it seems what men need so badly… allowing for the more stable woman to achieve whatever she wants… Maybe it’s sexual bribery, but, i think the idea is smart anyway– and i have to admit, the music, rocks!!

Anyway, I had better go. i have a small asian child pestering me to play Old Maid with him. I’m not quite sure i remember how it’s played, but i do believe it’s similar to the game I Win as outlined in the movie Big Daddy.

Derringer Meryl [Male Dominated Society?] Out