Undone

*grooves to the beat* I’m all over the place in my moodiness. I don’t know why, and at this point in time, i’m not really caring, why i’m this moody. I love the power that comes with the mood swings, making people cower in fear that you’re going to bust out screaming…. yes, i do crave the power. Shame on me. *nods* i’m insane

Moving on…. I haven’t done a lyric spew– and this one is going to be Harder to Breathe, Maroon5 and i’m adding commentary, I like doing that. It makes me less lazy…..

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable

So condescending unnecessarily critical

I have the tendency of getting very physical

So watch your step cause if I do you’ll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I’m even here

This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear

You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone

Not fit to tread the ground I’m walking on

Can I say, I don’t feel this about anyone. Honest. I just love it. Like i said, the powerof anger or any emotion is overwhelming, and i love the way it rushes through you, and it’s like, you’re not yourself…. you’re someone else, someone with super powers…. and you can change the world, or at least the one jerk who cut you off, or called you a bitch….. yeah,you’ll reform them right nicely with a pen in the eye.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You’ll understand what I mean when I say

There’s no way we’re gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

No. No one is out there. No one cares if you can’t breathe…. But i’ve found the moments in which you feel you can’t breathe, are simply the most intense. Even if you’re in pain. Once again…. not being able to breathe is a rush…. adrenaline junkie, that’s what I am.

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head

You should know better you never listened to a word I said

Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat

Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

Have you ever wondered if someone who is so completely innocent that they must be completely deliciously sinful knows that they’re manipulating you? it’s insane that you’d let one person have that much control over you, and your habits, and the way you talk and dress…. and …. oh good grief.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You’ll understand what I mean when I say

There’s no way we’re gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill

Does it burn

Is it painful to learn

That it’s me that has all the control

Does it thrill

Does it sting

When you feel what I bring

And you wish that you had me to hold

If I screamed yes, could you believe me anymore? It does kill that i’m alone all the time. I’m defensive of it, and i’m lonely all the time. it feels like a million little knifes in my back when I see a couple kissing, and being happy together…. it burns to read of happy stories as people get married….. and yes, some people have every bit of the control. Every last bit– over me… and it excites me and it hurts and ….

i wish I had someone to hold.

Derringer Meryl [The thrill of the sting] Out

One last thought for the week.

I was shopping today at Sears (I had to do my best not to call it “THE SEARS” … heh) and I saw a couple being cute, and holding hands, crossing the street together, the guy jumped and was being comedic, while the girl just extended her hand, and their fingers interlaced. It was very simple, nothing extensive. I have to say I only saw them for a moment, maybe two. But I was impressed, to the point i can still recall it.

I was thinking to myself:

“Why don’t i have that kind of thing in my life? Why am i not happy with someone, instead of happy by myself?”

After pondering it for a moment or two, I came to the realization that i don’t deserve that kind of happiness yet. I mean my friend Hikergrrl, deserves every shade and color that happiness comes in. She’s had some really shibby stuff happen to her. I mean some down in the dumps sad stuff…. i won’t go into it, cause it’s not my place, but she got married, and she’s really young, and what not, but if anyone deserves that kind of happiness, and that kind of comfort, it’s her.

Then I think of me. I’ve had NOTHING quite as bad happen to me. I haven’t had any LARGE tribulations, nothing of note, or anything. Maybe i’m not thinking hard enough– but — i don’t deserve to smile and hold someone’s hand. I don’t deserve the brite shades of happiness that love comes in. And in the end, I think God will send someone to me when i’m good and ready.

When I’m deserving of the love i can get from being married to someone who wants to be with me forever.

Derringer Meryl [my two minutes and forty one seconds] Out

Do you ever have those moments that are frozen in time? Just like, you’ll remember what happened for the rest of your life. The way you felt, what they were wearing, where you were at…

Like I can remember the moments i met two of my best friends. I remember in First Grade, Meeting my friend Lynn. and I remember one of the first things i said to Red, ever. She was wearing her tango (it has dragons) skirt to school, and i told her I thought it was cute, and I really liked it. I remember that she was sitting three desks behind me in my third period Math Class. She had black tights (nylons, whatever) on, and a maroon-ish red top on. She had been kissing with her boyfriend from the time before class had started. He always seemed to walk her to class…..

But that’s not the moment that’s been plaguing my dreams. No, the moment i remember wasn’t really special. It wasn’t a first like those were… it was just a regular moment. I remember I was laying my head on Monkey’s shoulder, and he brushed some of my hair back and tucked it behind my ear.

And life is full of I really should have moments. I really should have kissed him then. I really should have never mentioned him around my family. I really should have —

just been a better person overall.

*mutters* Sorry. I’ve been reading romance fiction, what they like to call “The Blanket Scenario” One blanket, two or more characters, and one of them has to have hypothermia. Honestly, it leaves a lot of opportunities. Think about it. One night with the one person you wish you could say “I Love you” to, a blanket, and they have hypothermia (which means you’re going to have to get them very nekkid. heh.) Some of the stories are really touching.

The human mind is filled with “I want to but … i just can’t.” Sometimes that reaction is good. “I really want to date him, but i can tell he’s bad news, so i can’t (or shouldn’t).” and other times, it’s just us being paranoid, and rationalizing our fears. “I really want to tell Tim that i love him, but…. i just can’t.” No reasons. No viable reasons, except it hurts. It hurts to say “I Love You.” It’s scary. Hell It’s scary in a romantic relationship to say “I really LIke you.” We’re all just too afraid of rejection.

I’m not really. I’ve done the rejection scene. Hell, if this was monopoly, i’d own a crack house (ya know, the hotels, we call them crack houses) or two on “Rejection Boulvard.”

Yeah. I have a bit of a monopoly on that, don’t I?? Yeah so… I’m not really afraid of that. I’m afraid of the awkward of the non-returning of the emotion. Not many people love me as much as i do them (just ask James Marsters, Orlando Bloom, and Hugh Jackman…. actually since it involves me, i thinkyou have to go through their lawyers… 🙂 ) Seriously though, the only person who dotes on me emotionally, as much as i mean to do them, is Red (Love ya kitten!) and while yes, I love her (in a completely heterosexual way) I long for the love of a man– or a guy. shit. i’m ready. Really. Honest.

Meh. Not like any guys who aren’t fourty-seven and want a cheap date and easy sex are looking for a girl… Of course there are younger guys looking, but they aren’t even looking for a date… just sex, free or cheap. Either way. Most settle for…. *smirks* never mind.

new diet we started (my mom and i) …. well we’ll start it tomorrow…. it’s the special k diet. All I get to have is two bowls of special k and then dinner. that’s it. *frowns* eh.

i’m getting some anime, which is better than anything else. I’m getting the first volume of DN Angel (wahoo!) and Cowboy Bebop, all courtesy of friendjamin Thank goodness. it shouldnt cost too much, and it’ll make me happier than a case of Ben and Jerry’s.

I was watching the new show on NBC Called Miss Match it’s really rather cute. it’s got Alicia Silverstone (whom i adore, she’s just so … petite, and cute.) and my mom and i were talking about the show Friends and how Ross is upset that Rachel and Joey are all kissy and what not. My mom was confused. “Why should he care, isn’t he dating someone else?” I nodded, and said “Yeah, but he still has feelings for her.” She snorts and says “Not enough to marry her obviously.” and I say, the most profound thing i’ve ever said… i’m fairly sure i heard it from someone else. … anyway I say

“Sometimes love isn’t enough to keep a relationship together.”

now, i can’t help but wonder where the hell that came from…. part of me wonders, and another part of me knows exactly it came from. Precisely……

i need to go on a date. I need to get out. *sighs* Right Red? Too bad i need to get another job before i can date who i … want to? I don’t know. My mind… it’s better if i dont’ think about what i want to do.

Derringer Meryl [trapped inside this little world of mine] out

Isn’t it horribly amusing when you fall asleep thinking about one guy, and you wake up from a dream you had with another?

right. Well I think it is. I think it shows how undecided i am about the whole “who I like as more than a friend” situation i have going on in my mind.

The one guy i was going to switch jobs for, just so i could date him…. and the other guy, well…. we gave it a go, and he just doesn’t think of me that way. It’s okay I guess, not everyone in the world has to be physically attracted to me. *smirks* (Note: I’m not usually this cocky.) I guess I should move on, but ya know– i’m not the kind of girl who just gives up. I guess it’s what scares people away from me. I’m not normal. I’m not what they want me to be, and that bothers them. From My parents (specifically my dad) to my friends and co-workers. I’m determined to make things work MY way. No matter what. 🙂

Stubborn little byatch, aren’t I?

the thing is right now… which way is my way? I’m not focusing on how i feel, but how everyone else feels about things. It’s so much simpler to say ‘Well Frank feels this way about this thing, so i’ll just do the same.’ There are so few things i feel overwhelmingly like i have to express my opinion, i just go with the flow. 🙂 eh. Works, doesn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [how do YOU feel about that?] Out