Undone

You know, it started out like such a good week.

Great guy prospects all around. *nods* and it’s like a burn when i find out one a single friggin’ one worked out. nothing is making me feel better, and despite the fact i think drinking is disgusting and horribly wrong….

i’d like to get very pissed right now.

i know it won’t make me feel better, but i’ll forget for a little while, ya know? Like for those few hours i can be so drunk that i won’t have to worry about anything but not vomiting on my shoes….

sounds carefree to me.

and still i know it’ll hurt worse (both physically and mentally) in the morning. And it hurts–

because i could tell that he was lying. It’s like when someone can’t hide it– you can hear the pain in their voice because they’re lying, and they don’t want to– like they’re afraid….

and you can feel it. I think that’s what hurts the most, the fact that you can hear the lie…

and you want to tell them to shut the hell up, and stop making excuses, but then your realize that they’re only doing it to comfort you….

because they know what you do. What you feel is wrong. It’s sick, God hates you for loving him that way…. for wanting him to take you in your arms and hold you through the night– and nothing more.

And no one knows that he’s the only one you’ve really felt this for. That the fact that he’s lying kills you inside as the pain builds and builds until you want to die inside–

but you can’t– and they won’t let you.

Derringer Meryl [Sullen Longing] Out

It’s amazing, how everything can go so wrong–

and in the end turn out so right!

So last night was Winter Ball a little less dressy than prom, but still a nice dance. It was girls choice (lucky for me) and so I took a really good friend of mine. He’s a super guy, ad when I mean super, I mean he’s all around the best guy I know.

Really.

He’s super sweet, and even though we’re not really romantically attatched, he made me feel like a princess all night long. I was super excited to go with him, cause (lest I rave on more) he’s a great guy and (whispers to reader) I really like him, but I’m trying to not get attatched, because he’s leaving on his mission soon. *nods*

We danced to a song, that I used to hate. It was the first song I ever slow danced to, and that was unfortunately with my ex. Without delving into too much detail about my ex, he was a jerk. Last night, none of it was about spite, or to get over him, or because I had to– It was all about having fun, and hanging out…..

And slow dancing with one of the most charming, handsome, and dashing guys ever.

I think i’ll just have to write him a letter. He really– I mean… WOW. It meant something to me– it may have just been in the school commons area (If you don’t know what a commons is, ask me, I’ll tell ya later) but It seemed like I was in a magical place.

I was smiling for real again.

I haven’t smiled for real since the sixth grade. Have you ever had those smiles that are so big, and so genuine that it hurts your face? I have. I haven’t smiled like that in so long– I’d forgotten the feeling.

I was giddy. LIke real giddy. Not emotional rollercoaster girl because I wasn’t trying to cover it up– what ever I was feeling. I felt real. I loved it.

I wouldn’t have been able to have had that much fun with anyone else (at this point in time). I’m so glad it all worked out so well. I love being able to feel all of this emotion again. I’d really forgotten what it was like.

I didn’t even want to kiss him or anything. I just wanted to dance, and to smile, and to skate, and to spend all my time with him.

Because he makes me real again.

Derringer Meryl [I hope you had the time of your] Out

I went to A friend of mine’s play yesterday. (Might I mention a guy friend, I don’t have too many of those.)Anyway– He’s a doll, and I love him to pieces, but he told me I should be dating one of his friends, and I can’t help but get the feeling he’s trying to pawn me off on someone else.

I’m not going to be a clingy girl. I don’t want to be clingy. I want to stop being clingy.

I will not be clingy.

But he’s cute. And simply everything good.

And so … umm… so there…

Yeah, so him brushing me off hurts a little, not because I like him so much, but because he seems to feel the need to get rid of me all the time……

that’s what hurts. Because the fact that I like him so much, and the fact that I seem to be offensive to him. I mean he’s not openly detesting me or anything like “EW, get away you freak…” But more subtly telling me that he wants me to go, that I should be somewhere else,

or maybe I”m paranoid.

I’m guessing that’s the one.

In any case, I have one up on his future wife, I’ve seen him in his underware already. 🙂 So there. (Acknowledges that so has near to the rest of the Valley, but that’s okay, because it was …. an event to remember.)

Anyway, I should be skipping off to bed at some point.

Some time after I read some fic to settle my little mind about how CONFUSING BOYS ARE

Ta for now

Derringer Meryl

I heard this song, when having a particularly bad day at school, at life for that matter, and It made me all better.

^_^ Thanks to You Good Charlotte, and my ever so cute Chenny Bunny

Yeh, this song is dedicated,To every kid who ever got picked last in Gym class. To every kid who never had a date to no school dance. To everyone who’s ever been called a freak This is for you, Here we go!

Like the time in school where we got free lunch,

And the cool kids beat us up(reduced lunch)

And the rich kids had convertibles,

And we had to ride the bus(55)

Like the time we made the baseball team,

But they still laughed at us(you still suck!)

Like the time that girl broke up with me,

Cause I wasn’t cool enough(TRICK!)

Chorus:

Things, things, here we go!

The little things, little things

They always hang around

The little things, little things

They try to break me down

The little things, little things

They just won’t go away

The little things, little things

Made me who I am today

Bridge:

You wanna hate me now

But I won’t stop now

Cause I can’t stop now

Like the time mom went to the institute,

Cause she was breaking down(I just can’t take it)

Like the car we had that wouldn’t start

We had to walk to get around(can I get a ride?)

And that same year on Christmas Eve,

Dad went to the store(uhh….see you guys later)

We checked his room, his things were gone,

We didn’t see him no more(Dick!)

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

(Chorus)

And it always seems those little things,

They take the biggest part of me, break down,

I’m breaking down, I’m breaking down

I got a prom dress. Very classic in black and corset. However I had to sell my soul to my Mother. This may not sound like a bad thing, but here’s something you don’t understand.

My mother believes that I can’t get married on my own (it’s sad that she’s deeming me an old maid at the tender age of 17) so I have to find someone other than HIM to go with (what that really means…. I have next to no choice to whom I’m going with)

Like I said, sad, but the dress was worth it. I’d LOVE to go with HIM but, mom won’t let me….

And i doubt he wants to go to the prom with someone the same age as his sister. It’s sorta sad. Not incredibly, but somewhat. Not enough to cry.

Speaking of crying…. cause I have been, because…. I sorta ran out of some of my pills. . . . so I’m all shakey and what not.

Anyway–

Derringer Meryl [You wanna hate me now but I won’t stop now] Out

Can I say that this is friggin’ Insane? Well, the thing is, you get an email your box. It says that someone likes you, then you have to give out all these email addys to find out who it is.

Wanna know the kicker? YOU DON’T GET TO FIND OUT UNLESS YOU GUESS THEM

Good ness friggin’ gracious. I would hope, that someone could tell me, though email if needed, PLAIN AND SIMPLE that they like me, instead of me needing to scrounge for emails.

Who ever this person is, they have a friggin’ bachelors. Who Likes me that has a bachelors? I’m sorry, you can do better than me, I’m fairly sure.

On a lighter (i think) note, i went to the doctors today. Okay so maybe this isn’t a lighter note, but I felt all woozy and flustered at school today, so I went home, and then my mom checked my Blood pressure and pulse, and they were crazy. My resting heart rate was 110. I don’t remember my blood pressure, but it ended me up at the doctors getting an EKG. I really don’t know what that is, but it isn’t happy things.

So, I spent the day asleep after that. Why? Cause It felt good! AHA! I don’t know if I”m going to school tomorrow, more than likely yes, and it’s no fun, I can’t… my heart feels funny a lot of the time. I don’t like it.

I decided that I hit a new low with my obsession with *ahem* I’m trying to stop thinking about HIM, and I’m doing better. That’s all I have to say about that.

I don’t feel well

I’m tired

I programmed an entire website tonight.

I’m done

Derringer Meryl [She did Ballet] Out