Undone

And I’ll blog about God if I want to.

I tend to hesitate on this point, simply because I don’t like to stir controversy. But I have been in a dark place, and I feel like, my silence has been resonating in me. I didn’t feel like doing anything. AT ALL. Seriously. I kept thinking why wouldn’t this hole inside of me fill up. I kept putting things there, Finding a new way to put things there, like pounding a circle peg into a triangular hole. I just needed something. Thusly, I have gained back all of my weight lost (sad) from trying to shove food into an abyss in my soul that, frankly, food cannot fill. (Even if it is/was really yummy) I kept thinking (yes, here I go) that people always say they turn to God to help them with their burdens, help them ease their pain. and I felt angry. And stupid. Like “What am I doing wrong? I’ve been asking!! Why won’t he help me?”

And quite frankly, I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe I wasn’t humble enough. Maybe i needed to fall to a certain point so that i wouldn’t just keep doing what i was doing while he was helping me. i’m pretty damn sure God doesn’t endorse the whole “have your cake and eat it too” BS that a lot of people seem to think they can have.

anyway. if this is cryptic to you, don’t mind it. i have been depressed. it makes me increasingly cryptic.

so. finally tonight, after getting some really good advice (and sometimes it seems like the best advice you’ve heard like 30 times, but this time you’re actually listening) i sat down with Scott, and … really prayed. I hadn’t done that in a while. it’s bad, i know. But if this is news to you that i’m not perfect… well you probably should pay more attention to where you’re at. i’m not perfect, and guess what? THE EARTH IS ROUND!! HOLY CRAP!

Anyway. onward and upward. i am very happy right now. it’s not a crazy giddy happy. it’s a peaceful beautiful happy. it’s knowing that my family loves me. it’s knowing that my newest niece is at home resting in her crib, or at the very least at home with her family, where she belongs. it’s knowing that when i am down, there are people there who want to lift me up if i will let them. it’s knowing that when i come home there will be squeals and giggles and probably be stupid chores too– but it’ll be in my house, with my kids and my husband. i hope i never forget how lucky i am to have such a blessed life. i have a good steady job, with benefits. i have a great boss, who understands me, and listens to me. i have friends at work, who care about my well-being. i have SO much.

mostly… i have scott. who (like myself) isn’t perfect, but he is smart, and he is sweet in his own way (sometimes subtle). He works hard to take care of me, and our girls. he loves me the way i am. he forgives me my shortcomings (and insanity) and always remembers important dates. 🙂

i love my life

Derringer Meryl [you would too if it happened to you] out