Undone

I am the oldest continuous blog in my family now since the Specialist stopped blogging. Whoo. Been doing it since 2001 and I don’t see me stopping any time soon.  Mostly because I may not get much feed back from people but I enjoy writing and listening to myself “talk” which is why I do blog.

I have been trying to write in a personal journal too, which makes things hard. I started medication January 14 (wahoo) and have been trying to use my personal journal to monitor if it’s actually working. I feel like it is. Which feels good, but on the other hand it feels weird. I sometimes feel like I am still VERY anxious about things, however the rhyme and reason of it has been removed… for example, i think of it like a math equation 3+4=7 (obviously) however it’s harder to understand what’s going on when you just put 3 4 7 without any indicators of what’s going on. I suppose if you had one more number in there it could make a pattern… maybe 3 4 7 11… But I’m getting off topic here…. without the mathematical symbols to tell you what the numbers are doing, they become nonsensical. like my brain trying to be anxious on drugs….

Our disneyland vacation starts in 14 days, i am ecstatic.

also as of tuesday, Scott and i will have known each other 6 years! Amazing! i would say it seems like just yesterday, but it doesn’t. It feels like a lifetime ago. It’s also the same day that Dave passed away 5 years ago. it feels surreal.

Derringer Meryl [living backwards] out

To the casual observer, i am a very social person. I can, on occasion, discuss at ease topics with people and even relate to others in an empathetic manner. I’m a nice girl. I’ll give myself that much. I’ve found upon reviewing myself that my actions in a social situation are purely selfish, even those that are well meaning. In a social setting I use being socially active (engaging in conversation, playing games, teasing etc) as  a defense mechanism against myself. I wouldn’t say that I hear voices per say as so much as I hear myself. the part of myself that is self deprecating and usually allows myself to fall into some weird shame cycle when I am alone and unoccupied.  I am usually always busy or always thinking about something for this reason. As I understand it normal people allow their minds to go blank on occasion, and even relax. I am consistently making lists, discussing and keeping myself engaged to prevent myself from… well getting to myself. It’s like a wall I build up.

So the fact that in social situations I am usually looking like I’m mugging to be the center of attention, I suppose I am, because if other people are paying attention to me my neurosis have to focus on the other people instead of myself. Though typically I wonder about what they’re thinking about me, and how weird I am, or how unsophisticated I am, uncouth etc. Instead of focusing on my shame spiral about how i”m not worth anything.

I think I have done an excellent job of keeping myself occupied, i don’t think I’ve had a shame spiral for a very long time. This does however make things like falling asleep pretty hard…. which is weird.

I have been thinking more about the story idea i had. I think i was looking at it a bit too pidgeon hole-d. I have been trying to expand my views as the book is more about women and my own specific brand of feminism. Which I’m sure sounds weird. 😉 I think more along the lines of stereo types. It’s hard to explain… without going into specifics.

I keep really wanting to get a diary so i can write some of it out.  However I am pretty busy pretty much all of the time, so finding the time to write down anything in addition to actually finding time to buy something to write my ideas down in… well it’s just a little ridiculous, don’t you think? though I do find writing physically (IE pen and paper) to be very therapeutic. Something about ink and paper is amazing to me. I love journaling. I suppose that’s why I have kept a blog so long. 😉

Thinking of names for characters, off to nymbler

derringer meryl [THEY] Out

I feel like I have to admit this to myself, instead of saying that it’s not true, and that I’m fine.

I have very very bad social anxiety. I find it hard to leave the house for social outings. I, selfishly, find reasons not to. Obviously it should be noted that it doesn’t really matter who I’m going to go spend time with,  the energy it takes (physically and emotionally) to leave the house and chat with people is immense. I do often have fun after I leave (ie, I have fun at the party/event), but that’s not really the point. It’s the weirdness that is there when I’m home.  I feel depressed and lonely.  I often think about how I can go to a party and feel trapped inside of my head, and unable to really relax and have real fun.

I spend most of the parties I go to with Katie. I often wonder why I even leave home when it’s just the same thing in a different locale, and often more embarassing when she doesn’t behave. I find that I’m lacking interest in a lot of things as well. While I did get up the gumption to pull my sewing machine out and my material for Audrey’s quilt… I feel as though I won’t have time to do it.

I often wonder if It’s selfish to want time away from Katie, since most of my week is spent away from her… I work hard on the weekends to ensure Scott gets sleep and that she and I have fun. My patience for her though is small and I find myself easily frustrated with her inattentiveness. She refuses to hold my hand unless I’m crying. I can’t run after her, so I often try and wrangle DQ or someone into going with me so that when she runs or wants to be held, SOMEONE can run after her. I had a Katie free day yesterday and instead of doing anything with it– I slept. I was going to go to a BBQ at a friend’s house, or even a babyshower for a co-worker, and there was also a graduation party (which we did make it to.) I feel smothered and sad. All I do is work at a job I hate, and come home to a messy house I’m supposed to clean, to cook dinner for my husband (who desperately needs sleep because he generously watches our daughter when he should be asleep)….

and then I go to sleep and do it all again.

Sometimes I want to scream that it’s not fair and someone else should be doing this stuff… but I realize that life isn’t fair, and that she’s my daughter, and he’s my husband. I have things I need to do. Everyone does them. I guess though, most other people dont’ have the horrible anxiety and the crippling depression. I do think I’ll speak to a doctor. I’m hoping that it’s mostly hormones from this pregnancy.

I am fine. I really, oddly, prefer to ignore that I’m sick in real life. I prefer to just let life go on. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

That’s that.

Derringer Meryl [beastie AWAKE!] Out

Scott says it’s fine if I leave early from His Best Friend’s wedding reception…

I have a confession. (Scott doesn’t read on here much anymore, so i should be safe from having to talk about this again…) I have a problem. It’s a generic problem that a lot of girls have (no it’s not a eating disorder, i’m not pulling a Mary Kate) it’s more of a continuing dissatisfaction within myself, of myself. (however i could correctly say that on the whole, I usually dispise what i do, and how i look, and i’m constantly comparing myself to others.) I look to others on how to behave in most situations…. which i think can be a useful attribute. In a restaurant and you aren’s sure how to properly eat a dish, you just look around, and see how everyone else is eating. It makes sense to me.

I have to agree with The Specialist. I too have a fear of people looking at me. I wonder what they’re thinking. How they’re judging me. Usually I’m pretty good about not caring what other people think about what i’m doing (in a judgemental manner) like when i’m shopping. i could pick up the whackiest stuff and put it in my basket… and not care what the lady who is ringing me up is thinking. *sighs*

That just reminded me that I should look through the want ads for a job. *sighs* I love GS. I just want to make enough money to live in a nice apartment. I want to not stress from month to month and paycheck to paycheck. I’m fairly sure that’s just how life is, but… I don’t want it to be. I’m fairly picky. I was at the store the other day, and I realized that everyone at Macey’s has to wear Khakis, and i just thought, Ick. I hate Khakis. i pretty much hate uniforms (remembers she wants to Apply at Blockbuster, dispite uniforms, they have good benifits)

Scott and I got a new old couch yesterday. From the DI. So It’s not like we went and blew more money we didnt’ have. It’s a great couch. plenty of cuddle space. It’s much more cooshie than Scott’s old couch. I should do chores…. *sighs* So much to do. And I have work at Five, so that’s extra fun. Scott and I miss seeing each other by an hour or two. *sighs* I need the hours though, and so does he. And I admit, we see each other much more often than when we were dating. It felt like that week off from work he had after the wedding went so fast….

Anyway, work and chores beckon.

Derringer Meryl [Will DM ever update again?] Out

Chatting with Mandarin tonight i came to the stark realization of “I’m going to have to sit through an entire reception, that isn’t ours…”

You see, Scott’s best friend (whom i have no little name for) is getting married in less than a month. Scott is his best man. (wahoo!) Scott’s friend is great to him, and they’ve known each other forever and a day… so that all is grand.

But for those of you who know me, know that i do not handle large groups of people with any kind of ease. My therapist thought it would be theraputic to have me work in retail to help with the fear and panic i feel when surrounded by people… i guess it has a lot. I mean I’m not so defensive anymore. Like it used to take me five minutes and I was in defense mode (sometimes shorter amounts of time) I feel like scum though. Like I should just deal with all of that and stay with Scott. I dont’ know if His friend (and his wife to be) are having a real line or not, but if they are, its’ just tough. I mean, It’s like being in the same place as someone, but not being iwth them. What use is that? It’s like ditching your date at the Prom (I did that BTW)

And yes I felt awful about that too.

Sure, i know people won’t be mobbing me or anything at their reception (uh Duh) because it’s not my day. It’s just the hustle and bustle that i get caught up in, and it stresses me out, freaks me out, and i just get tired and I sorta lose control of myself. Not a good combination.

Like once I was at a party, it didn’t even have … like fifteen people, tops… and I was telling them to please be quiet. They didn’t listen. I told them that the next person to (I think it was) pop a balloon, i’d slap them. I guess that was kind of a warning. But I did it. I ended up slapping a really good friend of mine who (at the time) was about to go get surgery on her jaw.

I get testy. I don’t mean to. Really. *grumbles* I’ll talk to Scott about this all, I’m sure we can come to a resolution that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

Derringer Meryl [Missing Scott] Out