Undone

your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

How true. I hate how i keep doing that. How it goes over and over again in my mind– how i messed it all up– God, i suppose the worst thing is not knowing, if i could have fixed this at all. If I could have had a happier experience, if i had just done one thing, instead of the other. If I hadn’t been so polite to let someone go first and demanded that i went first. What if…. what if…. what if. I’m the what if queen. I guess I spend too much of my time living in unresolved pasts, that don’t, and never will, exist. How sad. To waste your life away wondering what could have been, I hate myself for it. But i suppose that’s nothing new. I only love myself when someone tells me to…

And all this time i’ve been a liar, I always told myself I wasn’t J’s dolly, for him to fling around. For him to make a fool of, to laugh at, to hug then hurt, I told him that. That I wasn’t for him to hurt. I was lying then. I am a dolly. I’m someone you’re supposed to play with, toy with my little heart to see the reactions, then when you’re bored, throw me away for a new one… That’s the way it goes. And I try so hard to say “I am woman, hear me roar! I have power! I am a Person! You must listen to me!” What lies. I say them to myself, and no one else….

I stopped taking my medication after Graduation– probably because i was on such a natural high. I was involved, I was free of what was dragging me down, and i was free to do what I want. Free…. *laughs* Yeah. I guess i didn’t need pills. I was so happy. I had what I wanted, what i needed. I was so careless to let it slip through my fingers. What a Prat I am. *sighs*

Right, enough of that. I’m sure you’re very tired of hearing me whine, i’m fairly sure everyone is. That’s all i do anymore anyway. See?? There I go again.

I don’t fit in with my family, i don’t fit in with my co-workers, i don’t fit in anywhere. Blah. The world seems bleak. I need something that is bright and shiny to look at, so i can smile again.

I need to get out of this damned town, and away from all of the memories it holds.

Derringer Meryl [Trapped with no light] Out