Jul
31
2003

Celler Dweller

In my torrid little world (which I created, and all of you exist in, but I made your characters suit me right) I have torrid little dramas, because I may have created all of the characters… but they act of their own will now. And it’s a little frustrating. Because *sighs* it seems even my own mind is turning against me, and all I want is

to NOT feel like this anymore. I don’t like feeling that all I want from the world is always out of reach from me, because i’m too slow. Because I have it, and I cherish it, and then it gets put away from me, and it’s almost like i never really had it to begin with. And I can’t help but feel it’s because I didn’t say something, or do something. and if i had dome those things, that i’d still have it.

and it’s frustrating. and it’s not so much the emotion behind it all. Not knowing if there’s something wrong about me, or if i could have done something, if i could make myself better…. prettier– to fix it all. And there’s times in life that you just wonder–

why everything you want seems to be just out of your range. *blinks* Sorry, I’m htinking about how even if you aim low, the damn bastard’s standards are set too high for you. Talk about a kick in the stomach. You think you’re slumming it ….. and he rejects you because…. God knows why. I could Guess until my eyes crossed, on why J dumped me out of no where, but my mind knows why, and so does my heart.

because he didn’t love me. Because he didn’t see me as anything more than a whore. Because he … wasnt any good for me…. and because he abused me in ways– that no one should ever be abused… not that anyone should be abused at all. and because no matter what he did to your spirit, soul, self-esteem, and to my body– I never bended my will. I left that relationship as clean as i entered it.

That’s why.

I’d give everything to him, but my will. and he hated me for that. I guess it’s something I have. My will is for God, and God Alone.

…. i wish I could just stop feeling this way …..

Oi, I wrote this poem when I had broken up with J, and i was completely devestated, wondering why, and what i could have done…. It’s called Internal Struggle

Kisses felt-
never happened
Not that I know of,
Yet I remember them
With passionate feeling-
And Yet,
You haven’t even met me
But I’ve known you for a long time

And now you know me-
I wish I was better
Skinnier,
Prettier…..
Why does it hurt?

Your voice
Makes me happy
More that Moonlight
More than Love itself….
And that same voice-
Makes me want to die-
Want to kill myself…

An Internal struggle, and It will never end.

It has a bit of commentary… not entirely true so much anymore. I dont feel like this all the time– but i have to admit it’s sometimes:

I love this one. I feel like this nearly all the time. Sure the guy i feel that way about changes from time to time. But someday– it’ll always stay the same. It’ll be nice. Anyway another moody piece from yours truly.

Derringer Meryl [dwelling on the past ruins the present] Out

Written by admin in: poetry | Tags: ,

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