charmed im sure

I have been carelessly flipping through the want ads reading each one, checking off the ones I like.

And I’ve been listening to the new Avril CD while I’ve been doing that, and honestly I”ve decided that some regular words are worse than cuss words. Like Shit. That word means nothing to me. It’s poo. whoopdidoo. I don’t care.

The word broken brings me to my knees though. (Isn’t it odd that my page says broken but still good on it?) I hate that word. It makes my stomach churn. Makes me want to die inside.

Reminds me of another time. I think my disconcern now, my distress and deflatedness is me trying to mesh my life with Scott’s as best as I can, and I just get tired of it sometimes, and I just break down sometimes. That other time. I remember rolling over in bed at night and repeating to myself that I was broken and that no one wanted me. That’s why everyone left me eventually. Honestly i realize that everyone has to leave sooner or later, physically. I couldn’t keep the Specialist, and Wudan around forever. I couldnt’ keep things the way they were before. (I realize now that change can be good, because they left I became WAY close with Dax, which I think ROCKS. I always wanted to be really close with at least one of my sibs.) I just …

I told myself that all the time. Scott said something the other day that sent me over the edge of my momentary sanity … I dont’ think I”ll really devulge it, for privacy’s sake, but …. honestly– i wanted to scream. It was so– it reminded of me back then. Rolling around in my bed saying I was broken. Crying myself to bed, because no one wanted me.

Everyone has their little secrets they keep– (No, I don’t light the fires while the city sleeps)

Mine was (still is sometimes) that my brain likes to make me believe that i’m dirt. I think a lot at that point it’s satan. I can’t say for sure, Honestly I don’t think it’s a satanic presence, but — whatever. Chemicals–

Derringer Meryl [Feeling Better] Out

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