Undone

The Men’s List: Responded to in Defense of Women

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Yeah. I could say the same about you. I bet you’ve never fallen into a disgusting urine encrusted toilet at three in the morning. That’s what I thought.

2. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Have you ever considered that there is a world outside of your disgusting little den? Sports on Sunday are not the only thing that’s great. There are flowers and spring and happy things. I’m willing to let you watch Sports everyday, if you just spent a day with me once in a while.

3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Good. Neither is fly fishing, or walking from the bathroom to the couch when you watch your precious sports.

4. Crying is blackmail.

That’s right, it’s a defense. You’re being a jerk, I start to cry, that’s about it.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Why? Watching you squirm half the fun.

6. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Not if you want Sex…. Ever.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

I’ll remember that when you’re sick…. Except, you don’t have anyone to care for you, since you seem so concerned about not caring about me.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Yeah, and the problem is us, not talking. Open your mouth to communicate once in a while, and maybe it’d finally clear up.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Yeah, but It’s so much easier for me to do my job, than for you to do your job. THP.

11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Sometimes it’s nice to do things for others. If you think hard enough, you’ll remember your mother telling you that.

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Whenever possible, turn off the damn TV.

14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

But he was headed to India. And honestly, America wasn’t named after him, was it? Not to mention he wasn’t the first discoverer of America.

15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

Open your eyes and see once and a while, you might enjoy life a little more

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

Please…. If you have to do it, do it discreetly.

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

We say “nothing” because when you ask, you don’t really care what the answer is. By pestering you show how much you love us.

18. If you ask a question you don’t want us to answer, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

It’s called a Rhetorical question. Look it up.

19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

No. it’s not. We like to look nice for you, you freaking moron.

20. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, or how to work on the truck.

Try thinking about something new once and a while.

21. You have enough clothes.

Maybe I buy new things so you would FINALLY compliment me.

22. You have too many shoes.

No, you have too few.

23. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Ooookay. Mr. Technical. The house is clean too. That laundry… clean.

24. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that. It’s like camping.

Really? Then you won’t mind sleeping outside altogether. 😛

(I did this For Antigone. Some of them aren’t great. But oh well. I gotta go, my fantastic Husband and I are going to his friend’s house.)

Derringer Meryl [Still insanely happy] Out